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Freaking out about Dr visit

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by randomgirly, Apr 27, 2011.

  1. I am totallly freaking out about trying to see the Dr tomorrow.
    I don't live in the UK and get to go to any GP I like inthe city. I have chosen a GP that was recommended to me by a collegue at work. He is a lovely Dr but hard to get an appoitment with. I have to ring in the morning to see if he can fit me in.
    I was signed off just before the the Easter break with Nervous exhaustion, depression with related insomnia, Social anxiety disorder and an as yet unidentified eating disorder. after being signed off and checking that it was ok with the Dr I ran to my friends in the UK and stayed with her for a week and then a couple of days with my sister and my nieces (only because my parents weren't around that weekend).
    I have been back as week and didn't go in for hte first two days of school. I have one more day before I have to have a Dr's note which is why I have to see him tomorrow.
    I am totally freaking, I am shaking and feel sick.
    What if he thinks that I am making it all up to get out of work or that I am attention seeking? The thought of having to go back to school scares the c r ap out of me. Facing all hte people that I have let down, all the students that I have left inthe lurge just before thier exams (I teach A2 Psychology, AS psychology, AS sociology and GCSE History) and knowing that the parents that already have issue with me now have more ammunition against me.
    I have not left my bedroom (other then to use the bathroom) in nearly three days other then today when I had to go to the supermarket and that took me 3 hours to psych myself up enough to do.
    I am such a mess and have made such a mess of everything. I don't know what to do.
  2. I think doctors tend to act in the belief that people come to see them because they are sick. I've no doubt your GP will have come across his fair share of malingerers in his time but he has no reason to suspect you of that. It sounds more like an expression of the anxiety disorder you are suffering from.
    So you've got depression/anxiety (I'm not your GP but we'll work on the assumption that not being able to leave your room, feeling sick and shaking are symptoms of it). It must be the most common disorder affecting teachers. Have a look through these forums. Loads of people, me included, have had it and got better. Our pupils' exams and lives didn't go down the drain, there were no demands for our resignation, I for one had less time off than both the PE teacher who snapped his Achilles tendon and the History teacher who had a heart attack. No-one asked for their resignations either.
    Shit happens and this is your particular piece of shit. You didn't ask for it, you don't deserve it, it's just an illness. But because it's one that can (a) be easily faked, and (b) is misunderstoood especially by those fortunate enough to have never suffered from it, it can be regarded with suspicion by the ignorant and uncharitable.
    You'll have to try and rise above it. You're not well and you need time off to recover. If you get signed off, make it clear (if that's what you wish) that you don't want people from work ringing you up and pestering you for stuff. It may well be that because you are depressed you are seeing a problem that might not even exist - they might be sympathetic and understanding. Take the time off and take a good chunk of it. It's easier for them to get regular cover if they know you'll be off for a period of e.g. a month than if you ring in every three days saying "I might be back on Monday.....I'll see how I feel" and then not be able to.
    Go to the GP, tell him what you've told us. Tell him you need time off - sometimes they don't pick up on that, especially if you preface it with a guilt-trip about not being at work. He'll have heard it dozens of times before. I hope he can help you. Look after yourself.
  3. Thank you for your reply Lily.
    I was off work about 2 years ago with a similar problem but that was realted to a miscarriage I had a few months earlier. I just feel so much worse this time around. Maybe I just let it go to far and have totally broken down, don't feel I have actually hit the bottom yet though.
    I have good friends here but I don't feel I can talk to them, just like I didn't feel I could hte last time. It sounds all so silly and pathetic to my own ears so no idea what they must think.
    The Dr's here are great and the long term sick laws in luxembourg are really good. Its more that I feel stupid. The school have been good about it so far (but it has only really been a week and a half) and my timetable dropsto 2 periods aweek as ofmonday as exam classes go on study leave. I am supposed to be leading a trip to Malawi in July but I just can't face that.
    I know that I have to put myself first but I don't know how best to do that. Especially as even dinner with a friend leaves me shaking and physically sick and it was just the two of us.
    Its all such a mess.
  4. Well it is now but it won't be forever. It's part and parcel of the complaint that you tend to see no hope, no way out. I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Did you receive any treatment/counselling for that? You no doubt felt pretty low after that but recovered at least somewhat, and you will again.
    Is the inability to eat with your friend tied up with the eating disorder that you know of? I only ask because it was something I couldn't do for ages when I sufffered from anxiety/depression and I've never had an eating disorder. I remember my (totally unsympathetic) in-laws dragging me out for the day so I could have the opportunity to buck up/pull my socks up/count my blessings and we stopped at a pub for lunch. I got more and more tense, sweating buckets, until the plate landed in front of me and I had to run to the loo to retch.
    But it stopped when I got better. [​IMG]
    Bugger Malawi. Just concentrate on yourself. Someone else will fill the gap; the world won't stop turning because you're off work for however long it takes.Have you told your parents? Could you stay with them or would that not be your idea of "a therapeutic environment"?
  5. I got couselling for the Miscarriage - I wasn't allowed back to work until both the Dr and counsellor said it was ok as I had not dealt with it at the time and was surviving on about 3 hours sleep a week. I remember people on here being really lovely and supportive which is why I am here now I guess.
    the eating thing is that I have no hunger mechanism so never feel hungry but when i force myself to eat I feel sick, fat and disgusted with myself. I have to weigh myself everyday and write down everything I eat in a notebook. A friend of mine found it the other night when he came over and we had a huge row about it. He left to cool down and I hid in my wardrobe crying (like a 2yr old) till he came back and found me. I am currently at between 53 and 52kg (just over 8 stone and I am 5'7) and I still feel fat.
    There is another teacher going to Malawi and only 9 students so it won't fall apart if I don't go, they still have me down to as teacher Leader although the World Challenge Guy will actually be leading it.
    I don't speak to my parents and haven't in nearly a year. The last conversation I had with them my father told that I couldn't do anything right including having children so what should I expect when my boyfriend dumps me.
    i would love nothing more then to just disappear so that RG no longer exists, somewhere new with a new name and no past. I know it is the depression but I feel like I am letting everyone down and messing up everything. Luxembourg was supposed to be a new start for me instead I am making the same mistakes over again.
  6. Hi lovely,
    I have a sudden urge to get on a plane and give you a big fat hug. Though that might be partly driven by the fact that I really don't want to be sat in my classroom right now :)

    I can't really suggest anything concrete, everyone is different. But I spent four months last year unemployed, alone and so miserable. I finally secured a maternity post in December and hoped that would fix things. Then my 'aunt' hanged herself two days after Christmas. Turns out my actual aunt hadn't told me how depressed she'd been because I'd shut myself away from everyone. Cue a whole host of guilt. At the same time I realised that I needed to deal with all of my stuff and forced myself to the docs. Told him everything that had screwed me up since I was 5 and demanded counselling.

    I got the counselling, but talking through things that I've shut my brain off from for 10 years was hard work, stopped me sleeping, made work really hard. I was doing a **** job at teaching and that made me feel even more useless. Turns out that that's a cycle I've been in since I was 5.

    Without knowing a lot about you, I'd say the 'dad issues' are certainly something to look at. It had never occurred to me that I had learned to believe I was worthless, useless and derserved everything I got as a kid and growing up. My step dad 'wasn't a nice bloke' shall we say and when I finally did something about it, my mother told be I was mental and tried to have me sectioned. When the people you're meant to be able to rely on let you down, and tell you it's your fault, you're going to think they're right.

    But they're not honey. Really, they're not. Miscarriages happen, there's nothing we can do to stop it (I had that battle too). You're dad is wrong. You're not useless but the depression and the anxiety will make you believe it. The GP will see that you're not faking it and will help.

    Now having said all that, I need to find the strength to 'beat' the c r ap into Yr10, who yesterday told me I didn't know what I was doing and should shut up. That on top of an email from my mother showing off about their wonderful life in Australia and I'd quite like to curl up in my filing cabinet. But we'll be ok, because despite what our heads are telling us, we deserve to be.

    Feel free to PM xx
  7. Thank you TLadams

    Yr 10 are the worst year IMHO, luckily I didn't have to teach any this year.
    I managed to get an appointment with my Dr tomorrow at 9,30. it takes me over the 3 day rule but I have emailed the HT and AHT's to let them know. But I am scared that they might get a little @rsey with me. I am trying to do my best but I seem to be even screwing this one up. It took me nearly an hour to get the cuorage to ring and I burst into tears as soon as I hung up.
    I only got about 2 hours sleep last night, a friend came over at 2am really worried and scared for me and we talked. We both ended up in tears, (although I think his was more alchol realted - he is currently sleeping it off in my spare room). He has been through this himself and can realate to where I am but it is still hard to articulate what I am actually going through.
    I am going to try and get a nap then go for a walk. see if htat can clarify things in my head a little.
  8. I know what you mean about trying to articulate yourself. I came in yesterday having had a migraine and no sleep and couldn't get words out to my HOD. All I wanted to say was 'I've had no sleep so I might struggle, don't judge me if I send some to you!'

    Going for a walk is something I do alot. I have to force myself but it's a little easier now the sun is shining. I tend to get really angry with myself for being sat in bed with the blind down when it's so lovely outside. Then I end up coming back and napping because walking makes me think and thinking is exhausting. I'm always lying in bed as soon as I get home from a counselling session.

    Let me know how you get on at the docs. School can't get @rsey, it's all genuine. (Says the girl who is convinced everyone here thinks she's incapable and falling apart!) So much easier to give advice rather than follow it! I'll keep an eye on here so if you need a rant let me know :) x
  9. Thanks Again

    Luxembourg has got some great walks but do find it hard to go out of my flat. Just feel like I am being judged by everyone around me constantly which obviously puts me on edge and I end up hugging my self so tightly that I have caused bruises on myself.
    I tried to explain to my frend last night that I feel really pathetic for not being able to face work. I am stil spiralling and I just wish I could start coming back up. I was told to go swimming a couple times a week but as soon as I put on my swimming costume I felt fat and disgusting and didn't want anyone to see me like that so I have not gone yet.

    I just want to find me again, but I don't know who that is anymore, I have lost myself so far into the black hole I can't find myself again.
  10. It does sound like a whole lot more than a depressive episode. There are so many things you've brought up that you dsound as though you need some really thorough therapy to work through it all. Am I right in thinking that the post-miscarriage counselling was more focused on the miscarriage than all this other stuff? Does your GP know about all this that you've written here?
  11. I haven't yet.
    The last time I saw him i was in such a state through not sleeping that I could barely get anywords out.
    I am going to take along my journal tomorrow so that I can use that as a prompt for myself and if necessary show him some passages. He was really lovely today and apologuised for not being able to see me but gave me an early appointment tomorrow.
  12. Got back from the Dr a while ago but it took me a little while to calm down so that I could email school and other people i needed to and tell them what was happening. I have been crying pretty much since i got up this morning. Eventhough I only got 1 hour of sleep last night.
    I have been signed off till the 10th May and have been given some more names for Psychotherapists as the one I saw couldn't fit me in for 6 weeks and the Dr thinks I need it much sooner then that.I have been given some more AD's and sleeping pills which to be honest is good as I have only had 3 hours sleep in the past 3 days.
    I made total fool of myself in the Dr's office and couldn't stop crying and I was totally inarticulate. The only thing I could get out was that I was scared all the time and all I want to do is stay under my duvet all day.
    I feel really stupid and just don't want to be here anymore. I want to curl up and disappear. :'o(
  13. Thank you Lily
    I took 2 of the sleeping pills and have slept till just now, but wish I could go back to that oblivion. I am taking all the medication that the Dr has given me (5 different pills) and am hoping that they help soon.
    I feel like I have let the mask of who I was trying to be slip and now it won't fit anymore and I am trying to make it fit but i can't and everyone is getting to see the sad and scared little girl behind it all.
    I would love to run away from all this, *** off to a new place and hide until i can get myself together. I have to call for a new psychtherapist on monday and hope that there is someone with space to take me but I keep hearing my mothers voice in my head telling me that I am her daughter and should be strong enough to deal with this myself and not embaress myself in public as I have been doing.
  14. I would love to run away from all this, *** off to a new place and hide until i can get myself together.Residential care?
    Tell your mother's voice to shut her face. Give her "The Idiot's Guide to Mental Illness and How Not Make It Worse" from me. You haven't let anyone down, including your parents, your employers and yourself. You're ill. Be sensible with the meds, be patient, be kind to yourself. When I had a breakdown I had the full support of family, friends and employers, and even then it was six weeks before I could haul myself out from under the duvet and leave the house. Don't expect to snap out of it. Take it slowly. It's taken a long time to build up to this point, it will take time to put right.
    Glad you had a good sleep. That always helps.
  15. Torey

    Torey Occasional commenter

    There are a variety of respite services available that you might want to have a look at.
  16. not necessary, just away, somewhere where no one knows me and i can just be for awhile. be alone, be unhappy or happy which ever the day decides, stay in bed all day or just walk for hours when i know i won't see anyone i know. Somewhere I don't have to talk all the time. (it's different online mind you, easier). somewhere i don;t have to wear a mask or make any pretence.

    I am just so tired of it all to be honest, tired of the pretence and the "I'm okay's" when clearly if someone looked hard enough they would see i am not at all.

    I will be careful with my meds and follow dr's orders. The hardest two being eat and get out of the house each day.
  17. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I found that going to the shop to buy something to eat each day was what helped.
    I got into a routine of going to the shop after lunch each day, and buying things to get me through until the following day. I often spent the morning looking for a recipe or something to inspire me.
    Might that help you too?
  18. Thanks Lilachardy
    That's what I am trying to do, i not long got back from going to the DVD and electronics shop. Tomorrow my friend wants to meet for tea which will be nice.
    I hoping the routine will help. Last time it was baking that I would do to get me out of the house to get the ingredients. I might try that again, just don't know what i would do with the all the cakes [​IMG]
  19. Eat one! Choke it down! Think of all those lovely nutrients building you up!
  20. I am going to make Banana, date and raisin muffins tomorrow, they are usually really yummy.

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