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fifties and alone

Discussion in 'Personal' started by soladra, Aug 20, 2011.

  1. Almost two years ago my husband of 30 years left me for a younger, woman. This was only 10 months after my mum had died suddenly and just as my sister and I had finished clearing out our childhood home. I was devastated and still don't feel great. I have kids but they are grown up, the youngest is at university so I have him in the holidays but the other two live away now. They have their lives to live and I really don't want to be a drag on them but I get so down and lonely. I have friends around here but they have families - teenagers and elderly parents - so their spare time is limited. My sister lives 3 hours away and I have an elderly aunt who also lives quite a way away in a different direction. So basically i have a small family who live all over the place. It all just gets on top of me and especially when my husband and his woman are now starting a new life together with a nice new house etc. I'm in the family home, which will have to be sold, with all the **** to clear up. All I see is a lonely old age which isn't appealing. Work doesn't really help either.
    Sorry this sounds maudling but feel really low again tonight as son away and it's a reminder that before long he'll be at university again. The problems seem insurmountable.
     
  2. stopwatch

    stopwatch Occasional commenter

    It probablly doesn't feel brilliant at the moment, but there are lots of positives about being single, even at 50.
    You can:
    • Live where you want
    • Go on holiday where you want
    • get up and go to bed when you want
    • decorate your house as you want, and buy whatever furniture/contents you want
    • Spend and save your money as you want
    • Dress how you want
    • Flirt without feeling guilty!
    If you do eventually want to find a partner, you may well find this easier and more successful than you think. After 30 years of marriage and over 50 years of life you will be more aware of what is important in a partner and be able to recognise it in others more accurately.
    You don't have to have a live in relationship either. It could be a weekends/weekdays only and you could both retain your own huses to retreat to when you wanted.
    You're right it isn't going to be easy, and life isn't perfect. However, after time you will hopefully see things may not be as bad as they seem.
     
  3. san38

    san38 New commenter

    Have you tried Facebook to look for old friends. I have mande contact with a few friends I haven't seen for years and we go for a drink once a month or so which is great. Volunteer things can be a good way of meeting people - you can get cheap holidays all over the place and they are for all ages. You have my sympathy - I echo the comment above about seeing a Doctor for some help through this.
     
  4. I found that my ex took all the friends that I had taken years to get to know away from me. It is difficult to start all over again to gain friends. After three years I have come to the conclusion that the old 'friends' were not in fact friends at all. I hope that you have real friends that you can call on to talk to and ask for advice. Good luck for the future.
     
  5. Is that because you didn't hang on to friends that were originally yours? It often happens that one partner adopts the other's friends and friends' partners, and doesn't carry on nurturing the friendships that were one's own, especially if you've moved to a place that the partner is already established in.
     
  6. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    Very good idea. It's a shame that OP joined us so long ago but only started posting last night. She might have benefited from TES advice sooner.
     
  7. This is so true. Whilst my ex didn't take friends, I've certainly found out who my true friends are and it isn't as many as I'd always imagined. The trouble is that at my age a lot of my friends have elderly parents who are causing concern so I don't like to land on them too much.

     
  8. Someone suggested the doctors and I have been. I'm currently seeing a counsellor which has helped a bit. Well she agrees I've had a horrible time. It has been suggested that I take anti depressants, but for various reasons I'd really rather not and my family support me in this.
    I feel a bit better today - took the frustration out on the lawn! Thanks everyone for your suggestions.
     
  9. Why do you a need to be ' in a relationship ' to validate yourself.
    The only person you have to live with 24/7 is you.
    Learn to love yourself.
    If you need to go the Dr's go, sounds possible.
    Then get on with making a new life for yourself.
    If someone else is to come along they will, if not have the best life anyway.
    I've been without a man since my husband died 17 years ago, I was 34 with two kiddies.
    Well I didn't wait around for some bloke to come and pick us up and set us straight, I did it.
    As for friends, get out and make some new ones of your own, but don't depend on them, depend on yourself.
    Good L
     
  10. I'm sorry to hear about your husband. A close friend lost her husband suddenly a few years ago so I know how devastating that an be, especially when you have children. But as this friend pointed out my loss is compounded by the sense of betrayal and the fact that I will lose my home. You seem to think I'm hankering after having a man in my life, far from it.
     
  11. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    It's just a different sort of loss - neither easier nor more difficult.

     
  12. I agree with Seren, each loss is unique to the individual,and it bloody hurts.
    What I'm saying is Love yourself first and evrything else will come together.
    Hope you work things out.
     
  13. I'm 36 and I just wanted to echo what dipsue said. My last long term relationship fell apart last year and I am now on my own. Despite being surrounded by friends who DO have partners and/or children I am the happiest I have EVER been! People keep saying "You'll meet someone soon", and I think to be honest I'm not bothered whether I do or not! I believe that is because I have learnt to be happy by myself - I enjoy my own company and seek out people when I DO feel lonely. I have made an effort to get out and meet new people - I've joined social groups that I found on the internet and have actually made new friends who are single like me! If you want a holiday I can highly recommend HF Holidays. Their hotels are lovely and most people who go are in their 50s and many are solo travellers. Wishing you all the best. xxx
     
  14. oliverferret

    oliverferret New commenter

    No particular advice but just to say you're not alone. My personal circumstances re family and friends is very similar to yours - I think there are probably lots of us out there

    My husband and I divorced 5 years ago after 20 years together and I've had a serious of disasters. Ironically the last one (a major flood which literally destroyed our home and left my children and I with a few boxes of possessions) has enabled me to begin to move forward. We're still living in temporary accommodation but it seems to have enabled me to move forward and given us all a fresh start - we will not be going back to the former family home. What I am trying to say is that selling your home may turn out for the best although I recognise it will be painful too.
     
  15. When you are back at school, see whether there are any members of staff you get along with. There is usually a gang that go for a drink on Friday night at the pub or some that go to salsa or keep fit. It might be worth going along to some social gatherings with work colleagues - you will be included in future invitations and may find a little group who you share some common interests with. I don't do any of these things, I should say, but I know I could if I wanted to! I have been on my own for fourteen years and have got rather used to my own company but still get the odd twinge of loneliness. I have definitely realised that I am not looking for another husband but a handyman and dining out companion who goes home at the end of the evening would be the answer to my dreams.
     
  16. Sounds perfect!! Where can one find one of those??!! ;-) xxx
     
  17. Enjoy yourself, being alone is the best
     
  18. How are fairing Soladra?
     
  19. dumpty

    dumpty Lead commenter

    There was a segment on the BBC about this, namely that it is very difficult for women in the 40s and 50s to meet men through the internet dating sites, for the simple reason men in their 40s and 50s invariably ask for women in their 20s and 30s only to contact them. So the conclusion was it was best to get out and about, make friends and hopefully be introduced to people in your age group. Or you could use the net and lie about your age! (You wouldn't be the only one!)
     
  20. Perhaps women in their 40's and 50's should ask for men in their 20's and 30's to contact them !
     

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