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Feeling useless and not really enjoying motherhood anymore :(

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by whistle4it, Apr 21, 2011.

  1. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    I havent been on here for a while, as moved house and new job. Hope you are all well. x
    My OH is looking after LO who is now 16 months while I work 0.7. I thought I would love the part time ness but I don't. : ( I dont know what is happening to me really. Any days I am at home I wish I wasnt. I find work a peaceful haven. My OH is looking for a job and struggling to get any leads at all, so maybe that is adding to the stress.
    My LO can't walk yet. He seems to only happily want to do things that he is not allowed to do, ie standing against wobbly chairs, pushing the TV. He seems really grizzly and is screamy and bitey. He laughs if he hurts me and I tell him no. He screams and wriggles when I change him. He screams when i've put him to bed. He doesn't like cuddles. He has moments of real sweetness and laughing, but most of the time I feel resentful of all the noise and chaos at home (new puppy doesn't help.) I resent always having to DO things and go out so LO is not whingeing around the house. I just want some peace, and I dread waking up to it all each day. I am permanently exhausted and long for evenings when there is peace. I am constantly stressed and upset and often angry.
    I don't know what to do. I have no patience anymore. I think I'm a terrible mother. I wonder all the time if I should have had chidren. It used to be so easy when he was younger, but he seems to be displaying so much brattish behaviour, screaming and having tantrums for things he isnt allowed, then switching it off instantly when he gets things, or if he is around our family/ strangers, who think he's an angel.
    I love him, but I'm really worried that I don't always enjoy being a mother. I know this sounds dreadful. :( xxx

  2. Hi Whistle,
    You have been through an awful time during and after your pregnancy. If I remember right you had a emergancy c-section? Have you been checked for PND? I really do feel for you as you have not had an easy time of it. Please don't let the fact he is not walking yet play on your mind.
    I went through hell with my first after E C-section, never really enjoying the chaos that comes with child. I didn't get diagnosed at all, however looking back now I think I suffered with it for years after my first. It was only this time it was more identifiable and now I am being treated I can see that I haven't been myself for years. I hate to say it but you sound like I did 4 years ago, I hated everything I had to do but just kept ploughing on. Partly because I didn't believe in stress and depression (something I have well and truely changed my mind on now).I spent years convincing myself I was useless and that I should be enjoying every waking moment with child. When I looked around everyone else was better than me with children, I was just useless!
    20mg of Citilopram a day (and reducing) later......
    Now I do enjoy my time, even with the stress of two noisy boys. There is nothing wrong with going out, I always do it. Toddlers need a lot of space and interesting things to look at and do. If you have a park near you go there let him crawl around on the grass, take bubbles to entertain. My Ollie sound just the same as your LO, he's just too busy to be messed with. I don't get cuddles, hates being dressed, changed or move away from dangerous things. I think that's just boys in general. Hopefully this will help, Myles (my eldest 4) used to be the same, now he cuddles all the time. Every night for his story and just at random times in the day.
    PND can hide itself very well, please talk to your doctor.
    If it's not PND, then just remember lots of people feel like you when the child appears to not care one bit about you. I am sure your LO knows where the safe place of mummy is and will be there when ill, scared or just when he starts to understand how to show love.
    There is no doubt you love your child, but we are humans and have feelings! I think it is safe to say all mothers have moments when we think I hate this, I need a break and I don't mean 10 mins I mean a week!
    I hope this helps
  3. Hi Whistle4it,
    Didn't want to ignore you but not experienced in this really. Please go and chat to your GP-i guess you have a new one if you've moved house. You do sound depressed and obviously are trying to juggle so many things in your life and worrying about money etc which is enough to make anyone feel rubbish .
    Hoping you get some comfort soon. Do you have a friend you can offload to a bit? x
  4. Chica77

    Chica77 New commenter

    Don't be so hard on yourself Whistle - you've had a tough time lately and gone through loads of stressful things what with your OH, moving, changing jobs, being depressed and you also had/have issues with your mum?
    Your son is just being a typical boy and a typical 16 month old. Mine is 22 months old and while he walked at 12 months, he still has tantrums at times, he runs away when he needs to be changed, he chucks his toys about etc. He can be very sweet and huggy, but he's also very independent. We have to remember it's just a stage they're going through, and they will change yet again! I think once yours walks he will change as he's probably getting frustrated.
    You've spent quite a lot of time at home with him lately, i think? It's perfectly normal to want your own space! My son's been at his childminder's 3 days this week for a few hours, and i feel so much better for some time to myself. My situation is slightly different - as you know i'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant, so i'm finding it hard to be able to take an energetic toddler out and about on my own.
    It just sounds like you need some time to yourself, to do something for you.
    And as for entertaining him....have you been to any groups? My plan is to take my son to some toddler groups now that i'm on maternity leave and once my baby is here because then he can play with other kids and run about safely while i can sit and watch and spend time with my baby.
    I can tell you do love your son very much. I hope it all starts to get better for you soon x
  5. whistle4it

    whistle4it New commenter

    Maybe it is PND. No, I have nobody here. I have been on and off citalopram fo past eight years and don't want to be on it forever but seems I will need to as a few months after coming off it I'm awful again. I'm so fed up x
  6. Whistle nobody enjoys being a mother all the time - so please don't feel guilty about that. I don't know if you are depredded but you definitely sound stressed. It can't be easy if your partner is worried about his work situation and this is affecting him. I think even the most educated men need deep down to be the one that is supporting their family. What do you both do that you enjoy? Exercise is one of the best treatments for mild depression and some time entirely to yourself is really important (well it is to me anyway). Honestly the further my daughter got towards 2 the easier she got - now she is 2 and has a bit of sense of her own less climbing, prefers toys to messing with the sky box, doesnt try to eat mud. Plus she can talk which really helps! If you feel really low then go to the docs or talk to.your health visitor (may be better initially as they have an hour rather than 10 minutes). Depression is when you cant 'snap out of it'. Anyone who says they always can has never been depressed. One of the confusing things about pnd is that it can be a very up and down thing - that's what mine was like. I'd be fine for a couple of weeks then crash. Over time the OK bits got longer and the crashes shorter and less frequent. Take care and sorry about the lack of paragraphs its my phone.
  7. Remember it is not a mental illness it is a physical problem. PND can last 7 years after you have had a child.
    My husband put it quite blunt to me, 'if you had cancer you would get treatment so why debate treatment for something they can easily fix'.
    Take care
  8. anon2799

    anon2799 New commenter

    Toddlerdom is hard work. They're into everything, and demanding but you can't reason with them. Sometimes mums don't help eachother because they can be quite competitive and no one wants to admit that there are days when they could quite happily walk away!

    I love my kids to bits bit readily admit that work ( no matter how tough and stressful) sometimes comes as a welcome relief.

    Be kind to yourself. You've gone through a lot lately, moving is very stressful, your mum isn't supportive, and you've got a demanding toddler.

    I would be looking for a baby group ( preferably in a mixed area, nothing worse than competitive mums!) to make new friends and develop a support network for you, to take baby to on your day off. At my local leisure centre they do mums mornings, free crèche so you get some me time. See if there's anything like that for you locally. Visit the local children's centre/ sure start and see what's going on. Join am exercise or evening class, it'll widen your friendship circle and give you some time to be you, not just mum.

    Tell your oh how you feel, he needs to help you too. You need to share baby duties. Remember that your son won't be like this, things get easier. Take care.
  9. anon2799

    anon2799 New commenter

    Meant to say your son won't always be like this. It does get easier- especially if you stick with firm boundaries. Think short term pain, long term gain.
  10. All the above advice sounds good - you have been struggling with lots of big events and if you say you have a history of depression that must make things more challenging.
    The only thing I would add (and this is way, way, way easier said than done!!) is to 'fake it till you make it' with your son. I don't mean that you should pretend you don't feel like this in general, not at all... but with your son it may help to be super positive (i.e. really be smiley and excited when he does the things he IS meant to do, or is having the sunny smiley time you mention above). It is really easy when you're feeling low or knackered or stressed to think 'thank goodness 5 mins peace' when they are doing what you want them to and therefore give them the most attention when you have to say 'no' which makes the atmosphere niggly and negative.
    On days when I'm struggling my daughter is rattier and less responsive without a doubt.... a bit like my classes at school!


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