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Feeling jealous and guilty - again linked to the heated pregnancy timing thread!

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by becky70, May 19, 2011.

  1. This thread is stirring up some really hard emotions for me.
    I had a permanent post which I worked hard at for years but at the same time as I realised I had problems with my fertility everything started to go wrong at school. I ended up being forced out and pretty much on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
    So years more of trying for a baby and failing, years of supply and now temporary contracts. I have to spend several grand to have a chance of having a baby.
    I've worked hard and paid taxes but either I'll end up childless and miserable or I'll have a baby but with no maternity rights to speak of. I've been at the same school a while now - long enough to get good maternity pay as it happens but obviously no right to my job back. I do feel really angry that I've been cheated out of a chance to have a family and then I feel guilty for feeling jealous of everyone who gets pregnant and then gets to go on maternity leave.
    My head seems to think a lot of me and has been supportive of my fertility treatment plans but I get so worried about the future. I'm worried I won't get my contract extended if I get pregnant and I can't face the thought of supply again. Obviously we'll be broke because IVF is so expensive so I'll have to go back to work. In my permanent contract days I was going to have a year off and go back part time - stupidly, I still grieve for the life I might have had.
    Even though I'd be really happy if I had a baby I probably won't get long with them. My intention is to ask my head if there is any way I can return to school and obviously I'll have to agree to go back whenever she wants me if she wants me back. No idea what I'll do if she doesn't.
    If no baby, no adoption now either because they insist you have a year off work.
    Sorry for long ranting post. Just feeling so low.
     
  2. This thread is stirring up some really hard emotions for me.
    I had a permanent post which I worked hard at for years but at the same time as I realised I had problems with my fertility everything started to go wrong at school. I ended up being forced out and pretty much on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
    So years more of trying for a baby and failing, years of supply and now temporary contracts. I have to spend several grand to have a chance of having a baby.
    I've worked hard and paid taxes but either I'll end up childless and miserable or I'll have a baby but with no maternity rights to speak of. I've been at the same school a while now - long enough to get good maternity pay as it happens but obviously no right to my job back. I do feel really angry that I've been cheated out of a chance to have a family and then I feel guilty for feeling jealous of everyone who gets pregnant and then gets to go on maternity leave.
    My head seems to think a lot of me and has been supportive of my fertility treatment plans but I get so worried about the future. I'm worried I won't get my contract extended if I get pregnant and I can't face the thought of supply again. Obviously we'll be broke because IVF is so expensive so I'll have to go back to work. In my permanent contract days I was going to have a year off and go back part time - stupidly, I still grieve for the life I might have had.
    Even though I'd be really happy if I had a baby I probably won't get long with them. My intention is to ask my head if there is any way I can return to school and obviously I'll have to agree to go back whenever she wants me if she wants me back. No idea what I'll do if she doesn't.
    If no baby, no adoption now either because they insist you have a year off work.
    Sorry for long ranting post. Just feeling so low.
     
  3. Hi Becky,
    I really didn't want to read and run, I really have no advice I can offer but sending you lots of hugs. ((((Becky)))) Sorry I have nothing of value to say to help.
    H x [​IMG]
     
  4. (((Becky))) I think that thread had stirred up many emotions in all of us so you're by no means alone.
    I'm desperate but I cannot begin to understand how you feel. I am so jealous, I hate it but it's the truth.
    No need to apologise. Not sure what else to write but I didn't want to read and run.
    Take care lovely x
     
  5. I really feel for you becky - life seems very tough at the moment. However, your head seems a supportive person so perhaps you could just talk to them and explain your concerns. You could discuss options and put some feelers out.
    If you become pregnant (and fingers crossed you do) yet are unable to go back to your current school for one reason or another, you could perhaps look to do something else, but still in education / working with children? Tutoring perhaps? Exam marking? I know this wouldn't help with maternity pay but would keep your hand in should an opportunity for another teaching post came up.
    I know this perhaps isn't my place to say, but rather than worry yourself about finances, just look towards the positive steps you are taking to getting pregnant, because I'm sure I'm right when I say everyone worries about whether they can afford children - and everyone would say they probably can't - but you survive. So, I'm going to be bold and apologies if I seem harsh, but rather than mourn the loss of what-could-have-been (i.e. old job) and look towards the what-might-be. I'm sorry if this is patronising - I've not been on the rollercoaster of emotions you have had to deal with, and I'm sure I cannot even imagine how heart-wrenching it must be for you to desperately conceive and having had no luck so far. A family member of mine is having fertility treatment - they finally conceived but had a miscarriage on the same day my daughter was born. They didn't even tell us til a few weeks later. To do that requires such strength that I think only those who are on the fertility treatment road can truly understand. My hope goes out to you all that you conceive soon.
    (Apologies I went off on a bit of a tangent there.....)
     
  6. I'm going to say something trite, which is: that somehow, whatever your financial income/outgoings, you will manage. So (try to) stop worrying about your job.
    I'm also going to say something important, which is: concentrate on the thing that matters to you - and clearly, that is becoming a parent. Fretting about the job is unfortunately likely to impact on your ability to achieve your real aim.
    And yes, both comments are probably really the same thing, in a way, but I do think of them as separate. It's difficult to think of managing financial commitments on a lower income, but when it happens, somehow people manage. And while I have no idea about the statistics, I've often heard it said that many adoptive parents go on to conceive their own child - because they stopped worrying about conception (obviously the reasons for infertility play a part here). But it also happens post-IVF. I do wish there were figures on this stuff, but I have experience of a couple with two children, the second of whom was conceived spontaneously (the first resulted from the final attempt at IVF).
    I have enormous sympathy for you, but can only suggest that you try to stop worrying, because the worry itself won't get you either the career or the child. And I do know how stupid it sounds when people say, "don't worry", but it's still valid, if impractical (!) advice.
     
  7. Thanks for the hugs, woo and humphree.
    Thanks, also, Lily and Jazz, for your thoughtful replies. I know I shoudn't worry so much.
    Part of it is that I've been so happy at my school after so much unhappiness linked to work. It will be so hard to move on. I suppose I could just do supply for them - that's how I got the job in the first place. I don't want to be at home for years on end - my OH doesn't earn a lot and I want to make a financial contribution. I've really had to fight to stay in the teaching profession and obviously I would walk away to have a baby but eventually I'd have to do something else.
    I must try to be more accepting of life how it is and try to have hope for the future.
    Thanks anyway all.
     
  8. Becky - lots of hugs and sympathy. I feel the same jealousy of those people who get pregnant very quickly and also understand the emotional minefield of infertility.
    My friend is on maternity leave and is topping up with tutoring - she does it in the evening when her husband is able to look after the baby and she tutors for about 6 hours a week - two hours on three evenings. They still have time together and she still has lots of time with her baby but charges £30 an hour and therefore earns a decent amount a month.
    Lots of people I know also do exam marking or coursework moderation - it's time consuming but again, something that can be fitted around family obligations.
    Please don't worry about maternity leave or adoption leave. Lots of people have children and shower them with presents and holidays. Lots of people don't. Your long journey to have a child will mean you treasure and love them beyond belief. And you will find a way to fulfil your dreams to become a mother. You will look back on these times with relief that they are over and happiness that you got through them.
     
  9. Thanks, whiterabbit, what a lovely post. Where are you at in your journey?
     
  10. We've been trying for nearly four years with two MCs. I want to move on to adoption and we're meeting with our local social services during half term. My husband now wants to consider IVF so we're trying to decide whether to do that then, if unsuccessful, go on to adoption, or bypass IVF given the cost financially and emotionally.
    My husband was made redundant a couple of years ago and for a few months had no job. I know how horrible it is to stress about money as well as fertility.
    I guess I just have to believe that we can all achieve the family of our dreams, or at least to feel happy with the situation we eventually find ourselves in. I hope you can find it - hopefully in 10 years we'll all be looking back and saying, it was awful, but we got through it!
     

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