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'Fancying' someone...does it happen straight away?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Fiona L, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. Hi, just wondering this as I'm currently internet dating and feeling very out of the loop as I haven't dated anyone for about 3 years! I don't really meet guys in my day to day life (all women at work and all my friends are female) so thought I'd give it a go. I've done internet dating several times in the past and nothing has ever come of it.
    Anyway, have been on 3 dates with one guy who is local to me and we've had a good laugh. So far I don't feel any attraction but really enjoy his company and we have a good laugh. He has sent me some flirty texts and always suggested meeting again which makes me think he must be interested. However, due to the nature of internet dating, I always feel this 'pressure' to decide if I think I like someone or not quite early on! I'm worried now he might try and kiss me or something (which would be awkward as I'm not attracted as yet!) whereas if I met him in a group of friends you wouldn't be thinking whether or not a relationship might develop but just enjoying each other's company.
    So the question is, those of you who are in relationships, did you fancy your o/h straight away or did it develop over time? Should I keep seeing this guy even though I don't fancy him but then perhaps that might change in time?
     
  2. Don't want to string him along but then he's good company too....
     
  3. Why dont you fancy him? Do you not find him attractive? Or is he normally the type of guy you would find attractive, and you are just putting too much pression on yourself regarding the expectation of a relationship?
    I think if you were going to fancy him, you would after 2/3 dates and getting to know him a bit. I didnt have that spark of attraction to my current OH, until I started talking to him - and then I knew I wanted to be with him.
    Don't force whats not there, but try not to put pressure on yourself as it may be that any attraction is doomed to fail if you do.
     
  4. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    If the chemistry is lacking suggest to him that you just be friends. When meeting up with him you might want to do things that take away the whole feel of 'dating', a pub quiz for example. Once the pressure is off your feelings could grow.
     
  5. Thanks, I find it all so hard! When I do feel attraction to someone, it's not reciprocated and when someone is interested in me, I don't fancy them!
    I can't put my finger on it really but I suppose I just don't find him attractive although on the last date he had grown on me a little. He's quite skinny and I normally go for chunkier blokes so that I don't feel fat in comparison!!!
     
  6. Thanks yes I think if the pressure were off it would help matters! I then also wouldn't be worried he might try to kiss me! I think also, as I haven't even snogged anyone in 3-4 years, I'm scared of the whole thing!!
     
  7. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    I think that's the key to be honest. I suspect that whoever it was, whatever their attributes, that fear would hold you back from fancying them anyway. It almost sounds as though you're trying to convince yourself you can't fancy him to avoid facing up to that fear, if that makes any sense.
     
  8. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Dating can be a scary business (not just the thought that someone may lunge at you for a snog), specially internet dates . . . it can all feel very intense and false almost, like a job interview. But it's a good way to re-build your social confidence and flex your flirting muscles after a man-free period.
     
  9. guinnesspuss

    guinnesspuss Star commenter

    Did NOT fancy OH at all, but started as aquaintances and it evolved. 27 years now and really he is my OH in so many ways.
     
  10. Yes makes perfect sense ILS and you are probably right on that score.
    Kibosh, I suppose it is a good way to get myself back out there! I'm fairly terrified of it all which is probably why I've avoided all this for so long but I need to face it as I don't want to be on my own forever....
     
  11. I fancied my husband on the spot.
    But I quite often know men for ages without fancying them but then they grow on me. Possibly I feel it's OK to fancy them because I'm unlikely to act on it.
     
  12. On the 'scary' note, I was at a wedding 2 months ago and was pursued by one of the single guys there. We had a dance and then he was following around asking for my number and chatting me up etc. As that never happens, I was really scared and wanted to run away! I felt really awkward and when he asked if he could kiss me I just couldn't cope!!! Nothing came of it as he lives 100 miles away but that was an example of me being **** in those sort of situations!!
     
  13. polly2

    polly2 New commenter

    Hi Fiona,

    I met my OH through internet dating and I remember people asking me if I fancied him after the first date. My answer honestly was no - I will never forget him hugging me and me thinking "Ugh back off, I don't know you!" Still I stayed with him all day and was nervous as hell waiting for somekind of judgement. I was so pleased when it came to the text asking to meet up again. I did and I still can't say I fancied him, but I did like him a whole lot more. Its wierd I remember having some kind of image years in the future of us been together. Then by date three I deffo fancied him but I was terrified. You see, he was and still is my first and I have never kissed anyone so I was terrified, I figured that one day he may try to kiss me and I wouldn't know what to do. That kinda took the enjoyment of dates away really. We continued this way for four weeks (saw each other twice a week) when he said he felt he was falling for me and how do I feel about becoming an item. I freaked big time, in the end I had to be honest and said to him that I really liked him but was scared because I didn't know what to do. I will never forget him saying "Who says you don't know what to do? Let's see?!" and then went in for the kill!! Two years later and we're moving in together in a fortnight - now that is scary!!
    I think you need to ask yourself - would you be upset if he didn't want to date you? Would you be upset if he only wanted to be friends? I think then you would be able to differentiate whether it is the fear or not. If you wouldn't be bothered about him saying any of this then I suggest you are honest and say you are not feeling a spark but enjoy his company and can you be friends.
     
  14. Hi Fiona
    I met my OH through internet dating. Like you I was very scared (I had only been in one very long-term relationship, and then was single for sevral years) as I had no idea what dating expectations were Other people were no help at all - the younger ones tried to tell me people were expected to 'seal the deal' on date 3 (no way that was going to happen!), and people me age (mid 30's) were either hopping in and out of each others beds or in long-term relationships.
    This fear did make me very nervous and I was also fearful of rejection, which I think can lead to you holding back. I found the whole when to kiss/hold hands etc very awkward at first. I would try not to let the physical appearance get in the way (I wonder if this is just an excuse) because that is not really what matters. My OH is very fit and sporty and I am not - I did worry this might be a problem as he'd expect me to be as fit as he is, but it really has not been as he accepts me for who I am.
    I did not feel a 'spark' immediately I don't think. We did get on well (with the normal awkward pauses) from the beginning, and had lot's of fun as we have a very similar sense of humour. It did take a while though before I really felt like it might work out, and dating felt more natural. Even then once we had settled into a pattern of dating it took a friend to tell to me to stop being stupid and just ring spontaneously if I wanted to see him when it wasn't a 'date' night - I was too worried about being pushy.
    One of our best early dates was a trip to the Zoo, as it gave us a long time to talk in a relaxed environment, and lots of things to see if we ran out of ideas.
    Not sure if any of that helps at all, but I think if I was you I'd give it a bit longer.
    (BTW we have been married for more than 2 years now)
     
  15. bnm

    bnm

    Trying to remember!
    I think I was attracted to him as a person, initially, rather than physically. He doesn't resemble any of my teenage fantasy figures in looks but, as I got to know him better and like him more and more, I think I became attracted to him physically because he was him, if you know what I mean.
    I think, what I'm trying to say, is that if he was the same person but in a different body I would still be attracted to him. Obviously this can't be tried out but, as I've changed shape, hair colour and wrinkle-number since I've known him, I hope it's a mutual feeling!
     
  16. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    Fiona
    You have been this way before....and the answers are often the same.
    Firstly you dont always have an attraction. I have lots of folks who i like but who im not attacted to in the sense i would wish to pursue a relationship. many who have remained a friend.both now and in the past before i met my wife
    When you do meet the right person there is almost an internal zing..you suddenly become aware of an internal interest..How far you take it depends upon your want or desire. if you are scared then i might never go forward..because at some stage the element of trust enters and you begine to commit to the person as you begin the process of becoming more than friends...sometimes this take ages..for me it took almostt 2 years before i would utter to my present wife.'i love you'.sex wasnt a problem like today, as being practicing christians sex was after marriage. but on commital then we bonded with that deep bond which has stood for over 34 years of marriage.
    Chosing a person to go out with is never easy....but if you dont feel the pull of deep attraction then aknowledge it.its not shame..but at the same time you have to be honest and not lead the guy on ,even at the risk of him vanishing.
     
  17. Thanks for the responses and I was especially interested in reading Polly's story and itsasecret's experience.
    That's how I feel. I can't relax on the dates as I'm worried about that and I hate it at the end as I just dread the awkwardness and just want to get home!
    I wish I could just be relaxed about it and not care! I think as well, I worry that if I did relax and go for it but then later decided he wasn't for me (or vice versa), you then have to have the whole 'letting down / dumping' conversation which I find so awkward. I suppose I try to avoid dating so that I don't have to have those conversations and will only jump in if I'm fancying the pants off them and am totally sure!!! In those scenarios though, I always end up getting hurt as the bloke goes distant and finishes it or just goes back to an ex....
     
  18. Hmm, yes that's the problem. I don't want to lead him on but also would quite like to see him a couple more times. Scared of anything physical (even a kiss) as then it's more difficult to say 'no thanks' once things become more established.
    I wonder if some of the problem is that there is a guy from my past I really liked, haven't seen him in 12 years but we have been in touch on fb etc. About a year ago he was v flirty etc but basically only wanted sex whereas I wanted more than that! He was being quite inappropriate (he was just out of a relationship) so I told him straight and said it was best to not be in contact anymore. He was v apologetic and I cut contact with him, removing him from fb and deleting his number. That was a year ago but I think about him loads and can't get him out of my head!!! Ridiculous I know!
     
  19. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    Thinking about him is "safe" as you're not going to have any physical contact/take things further, so the kissing thing or any possible sexual implications aren't something you're facing.

    I don't see how having a few dates with the guy is "leading him on" either. You aren't in a relationship yet - much less an exclusive one.
     
  20. Thanks ILS, just what I needed to hear :)
    Yes you're right re the leading on too, we've only just gone out to the pub, cinema etc so there aren't really any expectations at the moment....
     

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