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Everyone can't be wrong

Discussion in 'Workplace dilemmas' started by carl2015, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. carl2015

    carl2015 New commenter

    Please can you offer me some advice. I'm not coping with home or school. I'm devastated that I can't cope with either.
    I'm a useless parent, spouse and useless teacher, I've been told that all I care about is my school and myself and my spouse want me out by tomorrow. I can manage financially but the truth hurts.
  2. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    No one is a "useless" anything. I think after what might have been a row when things have been said tonight.... you need a breathing space and a little think.
    Tomorrow.... a hug and apology and a promise that you intend to try and reorganise your life a lil better for both of you.
    Try as many other people who are struggling on here....to at least keep one day of the weekend free from "school" That must surely be a start. Have a look through some of the threads here as people have posted some of the corners in modern school teaching that they use to try to reduce workload.
    I should imagine if you and partner have young/small family that there might be some resentment at what your partner perceives as you not affording the family enough time/attention. Is your partner running the home and family on their own as you try to keep head above water re school? Again try to take on board some of the advice on here re coping mechanisms.
    Now... breathe..... try to have a good sleep tonight....if it is better try not to go to bed with a row festering.... make it up.
    Keep communicating on here of it helps..... ppl will try to suggest help.
  3. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    This is the grim reality of modern teaching. There have been times when I have thought Mrs P puts her teaching first and other things second. Fortunately there have been many other times when that's not been true...

    Spouse kicking you out tomorrow isn't a good place to start. Cold grey light of dawn is a rough place. Keep the lines of communication open and try to rebuild things even if you're not sharing the same roof.
    Maybe the job's to blame - maybe you need another one. Some schools aren't family oriented.
    Have you got an objective friend who can look at things unemotionally and help you to find fixes?
  4. scienceteachasghost

    scienceteachasghost Lead commenter

    Was this said in a 'you lost it a little as well heat of the moment' type of argument or more of a calculated dig by your spouse? If the former, try and make up and don't devote your entire life to school, no school deserves to take a person's soul!

    If the latter......maybe your spouse has something to answer for and needs to be a little more understanding!

    Life can be busy with many demands on most of us, with a profession like teaching I suspect what you describe sadly occurs up and down the country on a regular basis!
  5. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    Take the opportunity to weigh up what you really want in life - family, job, career, professional recognition, time out with mates?
    Then think, how would the ideal life look if Fairy Godmother were able to deliver it? What would you have to do, what would those around you have to do? How realistic is this?
    Alternatively what bits of your life need to be perfection oriented? Which bits just need to be OK?
    Giving advice is difficult, because I know nothing of you - hence questions only you know the answers to - and the answers don't have to be the same as anyone elses.
    Best wishes
  6. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    What do you want to do? Do you still enjoy teaching, or would you be glad to get out? If you still enjoy it, what about part time, or if you can't cope with it any more and the finances allow, resign to leave at Easter and take a break.
  7. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    Hi there,

    My spouse and I have had similar conversations, they are extremely difficult. I can only tell you what we, it is not the only way, but it helped us at an utterly devastating time- my eldest son had severe breathing difficulties at various times, he would collapse and then be taken to hospital. I tell you this not for sympathy, but to give you an idea of the pressure we were under... There is a lot more, but to keep it relevant to you this is what we did:

    We sat down (after we had calmed down) and made a list of all the points of stress in our life together. We realised that we did actually love each other, after that we decided to make a plan.

    So columns for 1.problems, 2.next for whose "bag" they were, 3. how this impacted on us/ relationship/ family, 4. What we wanted to see in this area, 5. How to achieve this, 6. date by which to achieve this

    We did this- some points were easy to address- a cleaner to help with household chores. etc.

    Others took a lot longer. Every so often we review our lives to see how we are feeling.

    My spouse and I have decided that we love each other, but we have to actively make our lives work for us.

    I wish you all the best and every joy.

  8. joannagb

    joannagb Occasional commenter

    I feel similar things about my husband at times, but then remember that I have been in the same place he is now and cut him a bit of slack. It's incredibly hard to focus on a home life at the same time as a school life, and both partners have to be working at it, that's still harder when there are small, demanding children involved.
    If you were a useless teacher someone at work would have picked up on it. Can you break the problems down a bit for people to advise you on?
    To be completely honest you just sound like you're having a really hard time at both work and home and that can be a really, really tough time for anyone. Perhaps you could talk to a dr about some counselling or something along those lines - this can't be a productive time for you at work so just try to take some time out, get some help and make a plan.
    Good luck.
  9. englishteach101

    englishteach101 Occasional commenter

    My husband and I had a similar row over the summer, about selfishness and it turned out that we just weren't communicating with each other effectively, if at all really. We've since made sure that we take time each week for each other. We ask each other about our days every evening and we have gone back to sending each other messages during the day. There have been other things that I won't go into on here, but it's really helped.

    These are, however, long term things to put in place, not an answer for an immediate crisis. I found that sitting down, explaining where each of us was coming from helped us both to see that we wanted it to work and were prepared to make significant changes to fix things.

    Start with something small but significant. The teachers helpline is also a fantastic place where you can speak confidentially and about anything and everything that is bothering you and your partner.

    Good luck @carl2015 and you have a wealth of people here who will help out if we can.
    joannagb likes this.
  10. TheoGriff

    TheoGriff Star commenter

    You can see from the above posts, @carl2015 , that other posters have been through, and survived, similar experiences with their partners. I hope that this is some consolation - you can get through this.

    But above all what you need to know is that there are large numbers of people on here who understand your plight and are hugely sympathetic. If you really feel down down down, then you need to contact the Teacher Support folk, 24/7, by phone e-mail or live chat. They understand teachers and the pressures and can give you the boost that you need.

    Best wishes

    finisterre_277 likes this.
  11. carl2015

    carl2015 New commenter

    Hi and thanks for all your replies and advice. I'm happy to report that I have not been turfed out of my home but we have had honest and frank discussions about our marriage and work life balance.
    Remarkably, my teaching is deemed good but now I can see that it has been at the detriment of my home life. With a heavy heart I feel that I may resign this summer.Until I listed all that was required of me (us as teachers) on a rolling termly basis, I had no idea of exactly how much we were expected to do! Just for your consideration I've listed the termly overview.
    • Data assessment sheets (Eng, math, science and skills broken down into strands)
    • Online assessment data
    • Book scrutiny coverage, peer assessment, marking ( eight A4 sheets of self assessment)
    • Planning file and scrutiny of lesson evaluations (micro managed down to sections)
    • Scrutiny of learning environment with self evaluation sheet as per policy
    • 140 pieces of childrens' work to profile with annotated front sheets and levels
    • Parent class assembly
    • 2 parent participated lessons where they work with their children and evaluate (Not teaching but learning)
    • 1 smt observed lesson
    • Governor learning walk
    • Scrutiny of spelling with individual children's spelling tests
    • Scrutiny of reading records with attached levels and learning objectives
    • Scrutiny of homework books and teacher file
    • Scrutiny of children's individual target ladders
    • 2 parent evenings plus after school clubs and lunch club
    This is ongoing and begins again each term.
    My priority now is my family. I may try supply or I may not. I'll take the holiday to decide my fate. I'm just so glad that after 25 years of marriage, I have been given the wake up call before it's too late.

    Many thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.
  12. JRiley1

    JRiley1 Established commenter

    @carl2015 that list of jobs is ridiculous :( it is fantasy to expect people to fully commit to all those tasks, plan & teach good lessons and then have quality home time as well. There isn't enough hours in a day and something has to give. I'm glad that things are ok at home but it's sad that the job has become so much that people feel the only way to have a good home life is to leave.
    cissy3 and Anonymity like this.
  13. Brunettegirl

    Brunettegirl Occasional commenter

    I'm glad to see you sound more positive, and that you have been able to rationalise your workload. My 25 year marriage collapsed for a number of reasons, but largely due to a ridiculous commitment to work. That was 10 years ago, and I am going through a difficult patch workwise ATM, partly because I wanted a healthy work life balance and the school were having none of it. One things for sure though, I have a second chance now with a lovely man. I'll be blowed if a school is worth sacrificing him and our happiness for. Take care of yourself and your family.
    cissy3 likes this.
  14. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    An enormous hug is being sent your way. x
  15. chelsea2

    chelsea2 Star commenter

    And one of the saddest things is that nowhere in your list of ridiculous things you have to do is the most important one: teaching the children!!!

    I just wonder if you presented this list to your SLT, (perhaps along with your resignation), they might realise how unreasonable are their expectations.

  16. marymoocow

    marymoocow Star commenter

    Before teaching broke me, my OH was keen for me to go full time instead of part time. He wouldn't believe me when I said we would be divorced in 2 years if I did. To think years ago teaching used to be seen as a family friendly job and unfortunately still is by some poor sucker career changers.
    cissy3 and finisterre_277 like this.
  17. Compassman

    Compassman Star commenter

    Have you noticed how much the word 'scrutiny' crops up in that list.


    You are better off out. Cash poor but time rich.

    I emailed my Head last year about workload and was threatened with a disciplinary.

    I might put it up here when I dig it out.
    cissy3 and finisterre_277 like this.
  18. Compassman

    Compassman Star commenter

    Be careful complaining about workload as I did that after I resigned and was asked to leave the same day!
  19. finisterre_277

    finisterre_277 Established commenter

    What a ludicrous response on the part of that Head. If h/she is such a prima donna, and is so defensive about the genuine concerns of a member of the teaching staff, maybe h/she does not have the courage or the empathy to be head of anything.
  20. Compassman

    Compassman Star commenter

    I may have mentioned the Head's lack of empathy after I'd resigned..........

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