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End of life husband - update

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Marshall, Aug 17, 2019.

  1. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    No, I imagine you have enough pressure of your own...
    I detect an amount of displacement on the part of his daughters - if we flap at Marshall, we dont have to face the reality of what's happening. They really are not coping very well, are they?
    I like the sound of your s-i-l.
    Marshall likes this.
  2. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    Thanks - it's basically one who isn't coping but yet she can visit her mother (45mins away) and not come to see us and that really naffs me off.

    sister in law in fab and my best friend.
    mothorchid likes this.
  3. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Wel done that s-I-l.
    Being a bit more mature she's probably a lot more sensible and as a sister possibly slightly less emotional than his daughters, who as mothorchid points out are probably struggling emotionally.

    :mad:Grr just read your post about the daughter who finds time to visit mother, but not dad.
    Jesmond12, mothorchid and Marshall like this.
  4. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    She's the one who gives me the grief.
  5. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    Oh Marshall. You have enough pressure without ‘daughters’ They May well be suffering, but they are also adults , old enough to understand, know better and deal with their emotions without detriment to you.

    You seem to be doing a fantastic job and have some good advice and support on here. (Especially about caring for yourself)

    Can only add my best wishes and support to what others have said.
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
    Lara mfl 05 and Marshall like this.
  6. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    So he's guilted you into being his sole support, has he? That's not fair. It's not sustainable. It could be many months, could it not?

    Oh, dear.
  7. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    I will pass on what a wise lady once told me - you are not rresponsible for other people's problems. Not Your Problem. If the daughter is struggling (and I quite understand why she is) and not coping with the situation well, that's her issue Not yours.
    Tell her to back down when she gives you grief. Step away and ignore her as best you can.
    Take care!
  8. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    An expression that I like to think of in situations like this is - Not my circus, not my monkeys.
  9. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    GDW - I understand what you mean but I don't think it's like this really. He has been so independent (as far as he can be) but I think this has really knocked him for six.
  10. Aquamarina1234

    Aquamarina1234 Star commenter

    *Jaw drops in amazement*
    I think we've already established you have the patience of a saint but how you did not club them to death with a walking stick I do not know.
  11. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Sorry to hear about this set back! Flippin' 'eck!

    Not sure how Hubs has 'guilted' Marshall into being the sole carer...o_O
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  12. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    GDW - you might have misunderstood. I think 'sole support' meant, literally, that - leaning on her, not using a walker.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  13. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Ah, I see. Not that he won't accept help from others? But he won't use a walking aid?

    Ah. Well, he had better start. It isn't good for balance to lean your weight to one side. And it certainly isn't good for the weight-bearer. A frame with a tray but also a drinks container with a LID!
    mothorchid likes this.
  14. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    GDW -there is no-one else nearby to care for him.

    I agree - he does need to think about me too and your post has made me think seriously. I need to think about drinks in the night and he needs to think about his needs too. Trouble is he does get confused. I need to anticipate more and remove obstacles.

    One daughter has turned up - she lives 45 mins away.

    The one who gives me grief - not heard from her today and the other one not all (she's not a fusser and knows that I do what I can).

    I have left him to make his own drink and toast today - he can do this at the moment.

    We are all still learning!

    I really do appreciate all your posts - good AND bad - they make me think and re-evaluate! I don't know all the answers.
    chelsea2, mothorchid and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  15. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    I don't know about answers. I favour compromises and making do. Oh, and BALANCE!

    And you not getting to the point where you get so cream-crackered you have a breakdown. Or him becoming so psychologically reliant on you that he won't accept any other help.
    Marshall and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  16. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    No-one knows all the answers Marshall and as soon as one thinks one has 'cracked it', a new dilemma / problem / issue arises. ;) And of course there are no 'courses'. One just has to learn as one goes.

    I'm glad you realise we post only out of concern. Some of us 'have walked the path before, and I know in my own case, although others could see the strain and stress I was under, I myself just took it as 'normal and natural 'coming with the territory; and only afterwards did I come to realise just how much toll it took of me. Hence my concern for you.

    Heart failure, because of the lack of oxygen to the brain, because it uses most of the 'energy just to do the bodily functions, will I'm afraid lead to more and more confusion. The brain comes well down the line in order of priority and that's certainly something you need to expect to get worse as his disease progresses.
    grumpydogwoman and Marshall like this.
  17. Sundaytrekker

    Sundaytrekker Star commenter

    Marshall, can you get the OT back to assess his needs? From my experience with elderlies the medical professionals all want them to use aids to be as independent as possible. It won’t be good for either of you for him to physically lean on you whenever he needs to move about, day or night. I’m still concerned that you don’t speak of getting out of the house for an hour or two.You need a bit of respite somehow however devoted you are.
  18. Celticrosie125

    Celticrosie125 New commenter

    ((((marshall))) didnt want to read and run, I've been looking out for an update. I know you have mentioned disabillty allowance but have you considered attendance allowance its not means tested and every little helps, we used it for extras like having a hairdresser come to the house and taxis instead of buses when going to the hospital.

    remember when the time comes whenever that maybe you will be able to reflect that you did everything you could for the good of you and your husband but remember to look after you too.
  19. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    Major shower operation today along with changing his dressing. Air was blue but we got through it. The first time is always the worst!

    Leg looks fab and is healing really well!!!
  20. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Great news about the leg!

    How would it be if you had a plastic chair or stool in the bath and a shower attachment on the taps? As long as he can step into the bath (with assistance) he might be able to be more independent?
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.

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