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End of life husband - update

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Marshall, Aug 17, 2019.

  1. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    I will say something and it may shock you. Probably not.
    The length of life your husband has to live is indeterminate. But the end sounds as if it's coming. So now is the time to consider your life and your future, At the moment you are the full-time carer of him but when it ends you will be left with a large hole in your life and of course, maybe mourn and then re-jig your life to a new life or lifestyle.
    I might ask you to consider planing and undertaking a holiday when you're ready, go somewhere you enjoy or maybe even a place you won't feel alone. Maybe singles or group holiday. The place where you might be able to forget the stress of caring, to relax and realise you have your own life to enjoy and experience. Not sure what is your likes and desires are, but a cruise, a visit to beautiful places like Florence, to an art course of something you have always wanted to do. It might give you the chance to make new friends and meet interesting( or boring ) people!
    My wife is not ill, well may be sick of me lol, but have plans if she should die. In my mind I hope I will travel, to explore. If I can, to get on a motorbike, and ride at least around Europe. I certainly will move house, sort the children out before Corbyn's planned grab of the house values, and then downgrade. To a flat maybe or one with a small garden. Then still travel to see for myself some of the many beautiful places in the world I have longed to see but cant go-to for a variety of reasons,
    So pleases consider and plan. It sounds mercenary I realise but at the moment your life is full of care, worry and at times I assume despair, but when the time comes, dream, plan and then go. It then becomes your time, and your life and you do it your way.
    meanwhile, I wish you strength and endurance in your care of your husband.
    Oldie x
    caress, Nanny Ogg, chelsea2 and 5 others like this.
  2. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Oh (((((@oldsomeman ))))) I knew your wife had some health issues, I remember you saying at a Meet several years ago you might be looking at 'acre' soon and I think you're right to be pro-active.I remember, because care took over my whole life it took me ages to 'adjust' to normal life and start planning things for me.
    After Mr L's diagnosis of prostrate cancer and treatment it woke me up to spending as much time as possible doing things together whilst we still can. Yes he's currently got the all-'clear, but he may well not make the 'old bones' his parents did, and I've already started discussing with family what we should do with the house etc.
  3. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    Hahaha, yes, but knowing my wife she might outlive me, so I am actively trying to ready her for life without me. I told my son he could look after her, but he didn't seem to happy with that lol
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  4. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    Pleased to hear that you husband has improved now that you at home more.

    How are you doing? How is your shoulder and your confidence with going out in the garden?
    Lara mfl 05 and grumpydogwoman like this.
  5. emerald52

    emerald52 Star commenter

    If you can’t get out @Marshall then there is lot online you can do. I have my library digital app for ebooks and audio books. Really lovely having someone read to you when you are stressed. Also to keep the brain going how about learning or improving a language? I like the Coffee Break podcasts for all sorts of languages.
  6. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    Oldie - such a lovely post and thank you!

    I have already organised my finances and we downsized 5 years ago because we knew something like this would happen.

    I would love a holiday - not had one for a couple of years and the last two I had were solo holidays - one a cruise and one in a lovely hotel. I don't mind having a holiday on my own.

    Daughters not volunteering to cover for me.

    I am very practical and pragmatic but I don't think anything can prepare you for the hole that will be left when your spouse dies how ever hard you try.
  7. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    You'll be ok. You haven't been a busy woman for all these years just to become a sad-sack. You'll keep on keeping on.

    Or I shall berate you for not "doing your bit" and (one of my favourites) making a positive contribution!
  8. frustum

    frustum Star commenter

    Thanks for the update. Take care of yourself.
    Marshall and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  9. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Thoughts with you...

    Not much else I can add which others haven't said better but didn't want to just read and go.
    Marshall and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  10. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Best wishes, Marshall. You're doing a grand job.
    Marshall and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  11. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    I think that is very true. You think you're 'prepared' , but then the 'reality' is quite different.

    Indeed you are.
    emerald52 and Marshall like this.
  12. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    Spoke too soon.

    Hubs had a big fall yesterday and has had to have his leg stitched up. He just tripped whilst carrying cup of tea and his kindle.

    He's a mass of bruises but OK.
  13. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    Sorry to hear that Marshall. Sending best wishes to you both.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  14. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    sending you lots of love
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  15. Sundaytrekker

    Sundaytrekker Star commenter

    I expect it’s shaken you both. Take care of yourselves. (((Marshall)))
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  16. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    It’s a hard road you are travelling Marshall. I wish you strength, patience and peace. And please do keep letting us know how you both are, if it helps. I do feel that the online community can be used positively.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.

    ROSIEGIRL Lead commenter

    A friend is in a similar situation to you, though for a different reason. She too is adjusting to recent retirement and having to deal with less than ideal support from the wider family.

    We spent a few days with them recently and it made us realise how much resilience is needed for just day to day living.

    Making a bit of time for yourself is crucial - please do prioritise that, build it into your routine, make it happen.

    Very best wishes to you both.
    Lara mfl 05 and grumpydogwoman like this.
  18. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Silly boy. Walking round with a cup of tea AND another item. My health is ok but I struggle with my iPad and a cup of tea!
    Marshall likes this.
  19. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Oh Marshall. The lack of energy and strength has almost certainly led to lack of muscle strength, which may have precipitated the fall. Mr Marshall may well need something like a 'standing frame' now for your piece of mind. Your district nurse will be better advised to suggest something and usually they just loan you something, giving you a piece of paper saying it is on loan and later on you just return both. We had a a variety of things for m-I-l as she had grade 2-3 pressure sores (formerly bedsores) due to her inactivity and she was very 'wobbly'.
    A push-trolley with a shelf to carry tea etc would be useful too.

    Sending love your way. As foxtail says your online communication will become even more important from now on- especially as his daughters are 'conspicuous by their absence'. :rolleyes:
    caress, Jesmond12 and Marshall like this.
  20. Marshall

    Marshall Star commenter

    Thanks everyone - he is stubborn and won't use anything to help him other than me.
    Strict instructions to tell me if he needs to get up during the night, etc. Been up since 4am!

    Had a lot of pressure from his daughters yesterday - he may lose his leg, it could be the end of him, etc. GP came for his usual visit and said I'd done the right thing. District nurse again today. They panic but I don't need their pressure - beloved sister in law (hubs sister) politely told them to leave me alone!

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