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Elderly (ish) parents

Discussion in 'Personal' started by princessdiaries, Apr 11, 2011.

  1. Thanks ILS, yes he is 66. It isn't exactly a second childhood thing although the first signs of old age are approaching and I suppoe the repeating himself thing is a part of that. What hurts really is his complete lack of interest in me, in my life, yet the expectation that I will be fascinated with the minute details of his.
     
  2. You don't know that. Dementia or Alzeimers (God forbid) doesn't know age boundaries.
    And even if not, trying as they are, annoying as they are, older folk need us. They were there for us.

     
  3. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    I'm no expert, pd, but he sounds like he's suffering from anxiety. Poor chap, he's lost his parents, his wife and he's getting older and is dithering about the move because he knows he needs to move forward but desperately wants to cling on to the past.
    I could on the other hand be completely wrong.
     
  4. On a bit of a lighter note, I am worried, I am only 52 but my son already complains that I repeat myself.....sorry!
     
  5. Possibly manashee but I used the house thing as a for instance but it is literally EVERYTHING - the new drive, where to go on holiday, which uspermarket to use to fill up the car with petrol!
    Plus my mother died in 1999 and he lost his parents in 1980 and 1985 respectively and so it isn't a recent siutation if you see what I mean, I'm not without sympathy but it is trying!
     
  6. daff, I am 42 and my son tells me I repeat myself!
     
  7. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    It does sound awfully like he feels rather lost and looking for reassurance/guidance.
    Was he like this when your mum was alive?

     
  8. I don't know really she has been dead for ages and I was 17 when she died so obviously the dynamics of our relationship were different then.
     
  9. PD, I suppose he maybe should have his health checked just to be on the safe side, but he does sound fairly typical of someone who is "getting older".
    Yes, he is probably a bit anxious, and yes probably repeats himself, a lot, but I may be hung drawn and quartered for saying it, but unfortunately some people as they get older, just stop seeing the bigger picture and focus on what is going on in their own lives.
    If you look back, you may see that he has always been a bit like this, and it is being exaggerated by age.
    I suppose, if you felt able to, you could talk to him about it, but if he has been inclined to be like this all his life, it may be that it is going to be hard to change him now.
    It can be hard when you have many decisions in your own life to make, to face listening to someone who seems to be unable to make any decisions for themselves, or seems to focus on things which don't seem of any importance, in the grand scale of things.

     
  10. It sounds to me like he is lonely and scared. Your Mum may have been gone a long while, but he may still miss her, you know.
    I know it is difficult, PD, I am really not having a go. I am just trying to put the other side, so to speak.
    My Grandmother can drive anyone up the wall. She is a right primadonna.
     
  11. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Sorry, pd. Hope I didn't upset you.

     
  12. Don't worry manashee, you didn't upset me
    CQ I know he misses her, so do I, but I can't realistically do anything about that, I'd bring her back if I could but I can't. But in the meantime it would be really nice if in exchange for endless housing tales he could know that his grandson likes dinosaurs, that my favourite colour is purple, that we're going on holiday next week, that's really all. As it is he has become SO fixated on tiny little mundane details he doesn't have a clue about life as it is. And yes he probably has always been that way and no he probably won't change but I'm just moaning about it a bit, I'm not saying he's the worst father ever to walk this earth, he is quite sweet in many ways but he can be a bit annoying and frustrating and it ALL falls on me as we have no other family members in a position to help/listen. And that can be hard. That is all.
     
  13. I know xxxx
     
  14. PD, it is very hard when you are the only child to look after and take responsibility for parents as they get older. When my mum and dad annoy me, I can phone my sister and have a good old moan to her, because I know that as well as being the only other person in the world who loves like them I do, she knows then and the same things that drive me mad, drive her mad too, lol!
    My dad had to care for his elderly mum up until 2 years ago, as an only child, and I know especially in later years when she wasn't always well, it would have been nice if he had a sibling to share that with.He tended to rely on us his children, but I know he felt guilty about that at times, as he felt he was burdening us, and of course he wasn't.
    My husband has a brother and sister, and might as well not have, and it was not easy for him easy.
    You haven't said anything which makes it look like you don't love your father very much - but all the love in the world doesn't stop you feeling irritated by someone, in fact it probably makes it worse at times. Take care x
     
  15. He seems quite young to be so fixated on things. It may be trite but could he join something ,do more ,somehow broaden those horizons. Could he be depressed?
    For yourself it's OK to feel irritated and thinking you must be super kind all the time is not really realistic.
     
  16. I agree he is young to be like this but everyone is different. As others have mentioned he might be depressed.

    I do feel for you being the only one. I hope things improve and remember you are only human and bound to feel irritated at times.
     
  17. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    As people get older they sometimes get fed up of walking on eggshells round their offspring and start to say what they actually think and expect the adults around them to listen. I know you won't agree that this is what your dad is doing.
     
  18. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Princessdiaries
    ( By the way I'm an only too!) you won't want to consider this (I certainly didn't) but is it possible he has early- onset Alzheimer's?
    I fought the idea for years, convinced my mum was just dperessed after losing my father, but last Sept. we received the dreaded news. It certainly heightens all those negative points in their personality because they no longer have those social controls. Even now many people say 'But she's not bad' because in company they have certain' learnt habits' to cope, but as an only daughter I know the person inside my mother's body is no longer my mum.
    The latest drug treatment of Aricept does help & they say the earlier it is given the better it is.Since my mum's diagnosis I have been reading & it is much more common than I'd believed, whether the result of modern living I'm unsure.
    Part of me hopes this is not the case, but if it is the sooner it is sorted out the better.
    Hugs & love to you!
     

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