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Does your OH resent your holidays?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Fiona L, Jul 10, 2012.

  1. I just resurrected a thread on opinion on this as it's quite topical with me now!
    I moved in with my boyfriend back in April and it's all going well, he's lovely etc apart from the issue of my holidays. I know he really resents it and I'm finding myself dreading the hols as I can't just relax and enjoy like I normally would as he will be there, having to get up at 6am when I don't and knowing that I've got weeks off. I've said to him that i know I'm lucky but that is the situation and there is nothing I can do about it! I will be spending quite a bit of time in my new school for Sept, planning and sorting resources etc. He has made quite a few 'alright for some' comments and tuts. I think his family think I don't really do much work and am always on holiday, overpaid etc.
    It's really bugging me and I'm almost inclined to stay at my parents' during the week so he doesn't have to 'witness' me being off! We are going away for 2 weeks at the end of Aug but it's the 3 weeks leading up to that I'm dreading! This will be my first time living with him that I've had a chunk of time off when he's at work.
    He does earn more than me, gets a car allowance and recently got a 4k bonus but he says that isn't comparable. Arghhh!
  2. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    No,my husband doesn't resent my holidays. He sees what I'm like during term time and hears enough horror stories about pupils/parents/colleagues to know that he would not swap his job for mine. His job is lower paid than mine and more physical. However,as long as he does his job,his boss doesn't ask for more and more.In fact,on slow days where everything is done,the boss sents his staff home early. He can have a laugh with his colleagues and doesn't have to watch what he says in case they stab him in the back!
    My husband knows that if he's lucky,I might have cooked something for tea when I'm on holiday. He also knows that it's likely that he will find me still in my dressing gown,having watched tv all day!
    I think you need to sort this out straight away with your boyfriend. You can't spend your life like this.
  3. Hi Fiona, I have exactly the same problem with my husband's views. He thinks teachers have it easy (which is even more laughable given I have been off with stress). My honest advice on your predicament? If he doesn't respect your career you are lookig at an underlying problem with his perception of you and are possibly incompatable. I am working up to a full and frank discussion with my OH about how his attitude is demeaning and unsupportive. This problem will never go away and it is him who will have to put up or shut up. x
  4. Tell him he is quite right - and he should leave his job, with its higher salary, car allowance and bonus and retrain as a teacher.
    I suggest this to everyone who tells me that it's 'Alright for some'. So far none have them have thought that it's so alright that they want to do it.
  5. Mrs_Frog

    Mrs_Frog New commenter

    When this comes up at home, I always state there is no reason why OH could not be a teacher.....
    There is always a swift answer of "Oh I don't have the patience, wouldn't do it for the money, I'm not good with gobby teenagers, I'd want to smack them....."
    I don't think he resents the holidays, what I am aware of him resenting is the fact that we now can't just book a holiday and go, because I need to do it in the holidays. Its not the fact that we are tied to dates, but that the prices go up in school holidays! But I imagine that is another discussion for another day!
    MF x
  6. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    I find your use of the word 'resent' odd. Why on earth would he resent your holidays?
    My hubby and I used to play the 'I work harder than you game' back in the mists of time, and when I was at home with the babies, but there was always this deep understanding that we could not actually do each other's jobs, and neither would we want to.
    It bothers me that you would consider staying away to get away from his moaning - be careful, you might like it!!! !!!
    Are you sure that it's not YOU he resents? Are you sure that he is not trying to control you by chipping away at you?
    A full and frank discussion, and a putting of foot down is the order of the day, I feel.
  7. Thanks for the comments, I wasn't sure if other people experience this. Sometimes I find that if I tell him horror stories from the day, it then can become an unspoken 'competition' as to who has the worst day and he might then say something about his job to show that his is also difficult. Not in a bad way but I think both of us are non confrontational people so there is quite a bit regarding our jobs and working hours that goes unsaid! I leave slightly after him and often arrive home before him (but only about half an hour or so) and he once said something about that.
    I'm probably making him sound awful but in every other respect he is so lovely and caring, it's just the teacher holidays that's the sticking point! Last week I got really tearful about the stress of my workload and he was really supportive then. I haven't brought much work home recently as I'm leaving my job soon and going to another school but in Sept I might have more in the evenings.
    It doesn't help that his step dad, on the few occasions I've visited, goes on about how we don't do any work, are overpaid, always on holiday etc etc and goes on about how disgraceful the holidays are (in a 'jokey but serious') way and it does my head in!! My parents have never said the same about my OH's job!! Ok rant over, time to do some work! Thanks for listening!
  8. clear_air

    clear_air New commenter

    Yes, we used to do it all the time.
    We ended up using the phrase 'I feel harassed' to try and take some of the personal bit out of it, allowing each other to offer the sympathy and space the other one was needing. It gave me understanding that he needed to go into the garage and think about nothing (bizarre male behaviour, gotta love 'em), and me the opportunity to tell him to give me a hug and ask permission to blither on for a bit.
    As far as FiL is concerned - there's always something,I find!
    Just tell him, if he wants the holidays, he can teach. That shoudl shut him up! You can also point out all the advantages to having you at home at beck and call - this also works a treat, I find!
  9. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    My husband doesn't resent my holidays but I think he resents the time I spend glued to the computer (some of it on TES) each evening.
    He also resents having to pay over the odds for holidays as we can't go off peak and he can't wait for me to retire.
  10. Brunettegirl

    Brunettegirl Occasional commenter

    It's interesting how people always resurrect the same old stereotype regarding our holidays. I always respond in a semi-joking manner by raising my eyebrows and saying.. ' Ah yes we teachers..start at 9, finish at 3.30, long holidays and Loooads of money. You tell me who's the mug'!!
    That soon shuts them up, along with suggesting they might like to try it for a week!
  11. moonpenny

    moonpenny Occasional commenter

    I didn't know you had moved in with your boyfirend ,Fiona.Congratulations.
    If he is caring in most other ways, could it be becasue he is finding his job tough?
    My oh is really sweet in the mornings as he always gives me a few kisses berfore he leaves in the morning and tells me he loves me.
    He also likes to see me snuggling back down when I am off and he has to go to work.
    He does like his job and doesn't have the same need as me for holidays.I am usually on my knees before mine and desperate to wind down. He just keeps on going !
    Maybe your boyfriend is saying how he feels -i.e. he wishes he was off too and perhaps doesn't realise that it is putting you under pressure. Maybe you need to point it out.
    I also think the suggestion of him becoming a teacher is a good one as it is a definite good thing about being a teacher.
  12. Thanks everyone for your comments.
    Yes Moonpenny I moved into his flat in April and it's been lovely. Have just had this niggle about the teacher's hols in the back of my mind. He is very loving and sweet to me, really looks out for me and is always saying lovely things but it's just that one issue really.
    Yes, he hates his boss and finds the commute really tough. He's currently looking for something else more local.
    I think you're right. He feels really tired at the moment and dreads going into work so it's probably all about that. I'm sure he'll get something else soon though as he's good at what he does.
    He does seem to have a problem with people who he perceives to have a better deal than him as he made some pointed comments when the doctors were striking and about how he could only hope to get about a third of what their pensions are. I'll talk to him about it. Doesn't help that both of us hate confrontation!
  13. Oh yes and he did say once that he knows he'd never be able to stand in front of a class of kids (he's quite shy and reserved) and that he wouldn't have the patience!!
  14. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Star commenter

    I think that's relevant, but his stepfather's attitude might have played its part too. Either way he needs to know how his attitude is affecting you as the situation will get worse if it's not addressed.
    Sometimes problems need to be confronted though. He needs to know that you've seriously considered moving out for part of the holiday in order to avoid his perceived resentment. I suspect he'll be mortified but he needs to know how you feel.

  15. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    I agree. If you are going to continue this relationship,this needs sorted now.
  16. dozymare1957

    dozymare1957 Occasional commenter

    Fiona, it's great that you and your BF felt so special about each other that you wanted to live together. This is an opportunity for you to really get to know each other.
    When you love someone you want them to be happy. You will do anything for them and you will support everything about them. Do you resent your BF's car allowance, big salary and bonus? Why does he resent things about your job? I think it's really sad that he feels the need to make these comments to you.
    I understand that you don't want to confront him but if you don't talk about this it's going to niggle at you and one day you'll blow up and have a huge argument about it.
    You have two choices really. Either you just live with what he's saying and he'll eventually get fed up with it. After all, it's just a joke, isn't it? Treat it as such and don't let it get to you. Or else you do need to let him know that he is hurting your feelings by belittling your job. Remember to do this when you aren't upset, just throw it into a conversation. Maybe use someone else as an example:
    "You know, Jane at work's husband keeps having a dig at her about ... blah, blah. I'm really glad that you don't feel that way about my job. I know you tease me sometimes but I know that you realise how hard I really work. Yeh, it's been a bit easy this past couple of months but it's going to be pretty tough when I start my knew job and I've all the planning, etc to do.
    Then mention that you know how hard he works too and say how lucky you are to have each other's support. Big his job up. Men love to feel important. Remind him that when you have children his job will be extra important[​IMG]
    I'd be more concerned that he doesn't back you up when his dad has a go. TBH you are the most important person in his life and he shouldn't let ANYONE say anything nasty to you. But that's a discussion for another day when he's stopped making the silly comments.
    I hope you can sort this out because you sound as though you love him very much.
  17. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    Fiona - how do you think he would feel if he knew that his comments had concerned you this much? I bet he would be really shocked if he knew that you had thought about going away while you are on holiday.
    You need to let him know that his comments have made you feel like this.
  18. I agree with Dozymare and previous posters. After Thirty plus years of marriage I have learned that issues need to be dealt with or they simply fester.
    There is a difference between angry confrontation and an honest face to face discussion. Explain patiently and calmly to your partner how it makes you feel when he grumbles about your holidays.
    In a strong relationship you are not competing against each other but are a united force against the rest of the world. If you are happy he should be happy and vice versa. His resentment may be more about his own feelings than anything against you.
    Don't go away for the holidays, teach your partner to love your holidays! My other half looks forward to the school holidays. Instead of arriving home to an exhausted, tetchy old witch, he finds a wanton woman in the kitchen wearing nothing but a McDougalls Flour apron, serving a glass of chilled white and a steak dinner! (not every day, mind- I don't want to ruin the element of surprise)
    Go and talk honestly to your fellow, the only way to find out why he is doing something is to ask him. Ignore the 'Idle teacher' moans from his family, it's a lazy stereotype treat it as such!
  19. smoothnewt

    smoothnewt Star commenter

    My husband simply admires me for being able to spend my days keeping teenage boys in line. He freely admits he'd probably be done for ABH after one day in the job.
    He works far longer hours than I do (admittedly for double the pay) but he certainly does not begrudge me my holidays. He knows that it all evens out - given the extra hours that I have to put in during term time.
  20. I can't believe you would consider moving out! I know my husband sometimes gets fed up that I'm around all the time in the holidays but the perks of a tidy house, nicer meals, baking and a generally less tired me tend to make up for it! Even if he moaned, I know he values my work and my ability to do it - your partner clearly doesn't. Speak to him about it. The idea of living elsewhere during the week makes me think you have a really weird perspective on it.

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