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Divorce - how do you know when it's time to throw in the towel?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Nov 10, 2018.

  1. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    For those of you who've been through it, please share as much of your experience as you're comfortable with. I know it's a big decision, I know it's more complicated when children are involved, I'm just trying to get some alternative and objective perspectives at the moment.
    kibosh likes this.
  2. Sillow

    Sillow Lead commenter

    No advice but wanted to say sorry you're going through a tough time.
    Laphroig, Jesmond12, lrw22 and 3 others like this.
  3. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Thanks. It's ok. It's been a long time coming. I'm just very conflicted about how to do the best by everyone.
    kibosh likes this.
  4. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    As you know there are bad patches in every marriage - we have been together for over 30 years now but we had one terrible year and very nearly called it a day. I guess to have to think whether the situation will ever improve or whether this is what it will be like for evermore.

    We decided we would work through it and see what happened - that was a while ago now and we survived.

    But from what you've said before on this forum I think you may be in a different situation to the one we were in.
  5. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    No words of wisdom from me I’m afraid. I can only add my good wishes that things will work out whichever way is the best for all of you.
    kibosh and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  6. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    I am a nearly did that but didn't in the end. We decided to work at it.`That was 5 years ago. It has worked so far but at times i stil wonder,Love keeps me anchored.
  7. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Ooh. Difficult.

    I left my husband but wanted to go back to him after a few months. He declined my gracious offer! ;):oops:

    I could hardly blame him.

    There's rarely "right" thing to do. Unless you're a victim of abuse. Most things are shades of grey. Can you rub along as you are with a good grace? Whilst knowing it's not perfect? Can you make a virtue out of "making do"? If you can? Stick with it.

    If you're prone to the "what ifs" in life then maybe pack it in.
  8. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    We don't really argue or fight. We get along well enough day to day. But we don't really have anything to do with each other. He spends most of his time playing on the Ps or on his phone, i spend the evenings in another room, watching tv and doing bits and bobs of housework or school work. At the weekends I go out with friends because he doesn't want to. The physical side of things is non-existent and not likely to ever get back on track after an incident I don't want to go into earlier in the year. We don't kiss or cuddle, we rarely talk about each other's life or job. We don't ever go out together unless I book and pay for it. It is just very empty and I am starting to resent him for it. I feel like his mum and I want to get out before I start to really hate him.
    senlady, lrw22, emerald52 and 3 others like this.
  9. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    I did that, grumpy, and I ended up paying a very heavy price for my own patience. I will not do that again, I hope.
    Being 50 and single is not something i ever imagined nor wanted to experience.
    Lara mfl 05 and sabrinakat like this.
  10. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Housemates, then?
    ETA: it's very lonely when it gets to that stage, thwarted coupledom is the elephant in the room
  11. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    What does the husband say about it all?
    Lara mfl 05 and kibosh like this.
  12. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    Then you have to consider whether your life will be better without him in it. Both practically and emotionally. From what you’ve said, both now and in previous conversations, you feel that you are behaving rather like his mother, in that you are the person who holds the household together. I get the impression that you are intellectually his superior and that his lack of engagement on that level is diminishing him in your eyes.

    I do not mean to be harsh, but you sound as though you are at a crossroads and that it’s up to you to decide which road you take as a family. What is his feeling?

    If you decide to initiate a split, ensure that you have everything in place as much as you can, practically and financially. Are the children aware? What do you think they feel?
    kibosh likes this.
  13. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    He thinks things are ok apart from the lack of sex. He thinks it's easy for me because him not being there would have no impact on my life but he's going to have to find somewhere to live and sort out bills and work out how he's going to pay for his car etc (his words, not mine btw). He thinks I just wanna go and bang a load of men. He thinks I'm only motivated by money. He doesn't want to make me unhappy. He wants to try to work it out.

    I agreed that we should give it till Christmas with both of us knowing this is the final chance and see how much either of us is committed to making an effort. It's been a week since that conversation and I've seen no change to be honest, in either of us.
    Lara mfl 05 and kibosh like this.
  14. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    If you're going to resent him then that's probably the end of it.
    Moony, sabrinakat, lrw22 and 5 others like this.
  15. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    Have you explained to him what you want from him?
    lizziescat, kibosh and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  16. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    What changes were you wanting to see/feel?
    lrw22, needabreak and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  17. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    A trillion times.
    kibosh and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  18. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    Have the two of you worked through the 'incident'?
    kibosh likes this.
  19. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    No. He denies my version of events. I know what happened.
    kibosh likes this.
  20. racroesus

    racroesus Star commenter

    If the incident can't be resolved then separation might be the only way.
    freckle06, FrankWolley and kibosh like this.

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