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Dilemma which is driving me to depression

Discussion in 'Personal' started by ethnic, Apr 5, 2012.

  1. Hi all

    Just felt I needed to post this. I am driving myself mad trying to come to as sensible decision. At present I am not working, having partly given up teaching (now almost 14 months) because I felt I needed to offer support to my parents, my mother has Alzheimer's you see. I have recently been awarded carers allowance, backdated to January, and I rent out my flat, so financially I seem to be getting on okay. I do very much want to get back into teaching though, as I miss it and I think living at home is having a detrimental effect on my own mental health. However, I do love my mother very much and I think it would send her 'over the edge' if I left. I can't seem to get any jobs in the UK and recently I have been offered a job overseas in the ME, It seems a great opportunity, good school, package etc. and part of me really, really wants this, but I worry for my mother. I have taught overseas before and really love it. My dilemma is this: do I sacrifice my career at the age of 44 for the sake of my mother and deal with the consequences of that choice like depression from being unemployed, depression and worrying that I will never get a job again, depression from living with a mentally ill parent, or do I take the job overseas and deal with those consequences - worrying about my mother and the worry that my leaving might send her 'over the edge'.
    Any advice would be welcome.

    E
     
  2. Hi all

    Just felt I needed to post this. I am driving myself mad trying to come to as sensible decision. At present I am not working, having partly given up teaching (now almost 14 months) because I felt I needed to offer support to my parents, my mother has Alzheimer's you see. I have recently been awarded carers allowance, backdated to January, and I rent out my flat, so financially I seem to be getting on okay. I do very much want to get back into teaching though, as I miss it and I think living at home is having a detrimental effect on my own mental health. However, I do love my mother very much and I think it would send her 'over the edge' if I left. I can't seem to get any jobs in the UK and recently I have been offered a job overseas in the ME, It seems a great opportunity, good school, package etc. and part of me really, really wants this, but I worry for my mother. I have taught overseas before and really love it. My dilemma is this: do I sacrifice my career at the age of 44 for the sake of my mother and deal with the consequences of that choice like depression from being unemployed, depression and worrying that I will never get a job again, depression from living with a mentally ill parent, or do I take the job overseas and deal with those consequences - worrying about my mother and the worry that my leaving might send her 'over the edge'.
    Any advice would be welcome.

    E
     
  3. This is so difficult and I feel really sorry for you......I haven't really got any advice only that as a parent I would never want my children to sacrifice their own happiness and I think that would devastate me. I think you should find a way to ensure your Mum is well cared for but you've preserved your own sanity and your own personal well-being
    Good luck x
     
  4. Anonymous

    Anonymous New commenter

    No one can make up your mind for you. Only you can judge what you are able to do. The alternatives you propose do seem rather stark though. There must be some middle ground like your getting a job in the UK so that you have the chance to keep your career on the go and at the same time be closer to your parents than if you were in the ME.
     
  5. Noja

    Noja Senior commenter

    An incredibly difficult decision but I would agree with Nutella - there must be a middle ground here, even if you end up getting a job outside teaching, if only to give you others to chat to during the day. This won't last forever - you have to do what you can do to make yourself able to live with yourself afterwards. There are many on these boards in a similar position - find the alzheimers thread - may give you some support and better ideas.
    So sorry and good luck x
     
  6. I feel for you, this is really difficult. I found myself in a similar position a few years ago, as I was offered my dream job, not abroad but a long way away. I struggled long and hard with it, it meant leaving my mother alone and taking her grandchildren away - horrible. In the end I did go, and my mother understood, but sadly she died two months later. It wasn't because I left that she died, that would have happened anyway, but I nearly didn't put myself and the needs of my family first, for what turned out to be only 2 months and I know I would have regretted it. Only you can decide what's best - good luck.
     
  7. this is pretty horrible but how much awareness does your mother have?
     
  8. Well I would say she is in the early moderate stage as opposed to just the early stage or just the moderate stage, if that makes sense. I have spoken to her about moving abroad. She does say that it is up to me and that she will never stand in my way, but that she will miss me. I would say she has been quite stable since she has been taking medication. She was diagnosed in July 2008. I am pretty sure that my being home has given her a great deal of stability and I am fearful that if I move abroad she might accelerate in her condition.
     
  9. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    If she was diagnosed as long ago as 2008, and she's stabilised at early moderate stage,with something like Aricept, it's unlikely she's going to deteriorate rapidly. The moderate stage <u>can</u> last anything from 2yrs up to 10 years and the severe stage, if no other health issues are involved can also potenetially last up to 7 years- though not many people do last that long at end-stage, though my aunt <u>did</u> last 6 years at that level!
    If you can still hold a logical conversation with her like you describe, I would suggest she is still early on in the disease.
    Take the job and have lots to write to her about the wonderful time you're having!
     
  10. Does the job allow for visits back?
     
  11. You should go, accept the job. If your mother stays in a stable condition, no issue at all. If she gets worse there will come a time when you will not be able to offer any support beyond anger and frustration in that you will feel your life is ending, too, - and yes, even you will start to blame your own mother for this. It is perfectly natural to do so. The very first response here says it all and I believe this is how your mother is talking to you now (that she would only want what is best for you). So go.
     
  12. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    When does a compromise turn into a sacrifice?
    The way I see it you have moved back home and been supportive and loving for sometime. You have provided stability. Now it's time to make sure that that situation does not turn into a huge sacrifice that all of you will come to regret in your own individual ways. Go to the new job and allow your parents the bittersweet pleasure of knowing that you are following your dreams. They can be happy for you and proud of you. Yes, they will miss you, but it could be argued that that is their 'job'.
     

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