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Depression - scared of losing my job

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by politicspeg, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. politicspeg

    politicspeg New commenter

    Hi
    I'm 26 and have had a couple of periods of mild depression in the past. I am currently in the grip of what is my worst episode so far. My moods vary wildly with most mornings spent in tears and then feeling more positive by the evening. I am a determined character and am working hard to improve my lifestyle to help myself, and my GP has referred me for counselling.
    I called in sick on Tuesday as I couldn't stop crying but made it in to work today, albeit late as my car battery died (of all the things to happen!!) When I got to work, I was so upset at having let everybody down by being late that I ended up in tears. My manager, who is thankfully lovely, sent me home as i was not 'fit to work'.
    I have recently completed my NQT year (I teach a secondary core subject) and the irony is that I LOVE my job. I am passionate about what I do, but too much of a perfectionist. Many of my problems arise from disappointment in myself for not achieving the targets I have set myself. I have been plagued by fears that I have let the children and my colleagues down by not being good enough, even though I recognise this as mostly irrational since my performance management and observations are good.
    I am very concerned that I have actually been sent home and that my boss has seen me acting like an absolute mentalist, crying and being irrational. What does this mean for my career? I love my job and normally cope well with the demands of it. I am terrified of losing my job and therefore ruining everything I have worked for. My boss assured me they will support me through this but, as is the way my thoughts work in this situation, I daren't believe her.
    I am very self aware, which can be helpful but also makes me angry at myself because I recognise the irrationality of my own thoughts. I am so frustrated at my own stupidity and wish I could snap out of it. I feel incredibly guilty for what I am inflicting on those around me.
    I actually feel quite positive and normal right now as I quite often do in the evenings, but then the morning comes and with it the tears.
    Can somebody please advise me how safe my job is???? I'm really worried.
    Thanks
    K
     
  2. politicspeg

    politicspeg New commenter

    Hi
    I'm 26 and have had a couple of periods of mild depression in the past. I am currently in the grip of what is my worst episode so far. My moods vary wildly with most mornings spent in tears and then feeling more positive by the evening. I am a determined character and am working hard to improve my lifestyle to help myself, and my GP has referred me for counselling.
    I called in sick on Tuesday as I couldn't stop crying but made it in to work today, albeit late as my car battery died (of all the things to happen!!) When I got to work, I was so upset at having let everybody down by being late that I ended up in tears. My manager, who is thankfully lovely, sent me home as i was not 'fit to work'.
    I have recently completed my NQT year (I teach a secondary core subject) and the irony is that I LOVE my job. I am passionate about what I do, but too much of a perfectionist. Many of my problems arise from disappointment in myself for not achieving the targets I have set myself. I have been plagued by fears that I have let the children and my colleagues down by not being good enough, even though I recognise this as mostly irrational since my performance management and observations are good.
    I am very concerned that I have actually been sent home and that my boss has seen me acting like an absolute mentalist, crying and being irrational. What does this mean for my career? I love my job and normally cope well with the demands of it. I am terrified of losing my job and therefore ruining everything I have worked for. My boss assured me they will support me through this but, as is the way my thoughts work in this situation, I daren't believe her.
    I am very self aware, which can be helpful but also makes me angry at myself because I recognise the irrationality of my own thoughts. I am so frustrated at my own stupidity and wish I could snap out of it. I feel incredibly guilty for what I am inflicting on those around me.
    I actually feel quite positive and normal right now as I quite often do in the evenings, but then the morning comes and with it the tears.
    Can somebody please advise me how safe my job is???? I'm really worried.
    Thanks
    K
     
  3. What you are experiencing is a form of illness and therefore you cannot be sacked for it.
    You need to visit the GP and see if you could have a few weeks respite, or have your hours altered.
    i think you really need to see that in this profession many of us are perfectionists but must accept that you could work constantly (and many do) and yet still find there is more to do. All you can do is your very best and nothing more.
    If you carry on like this you may potentially burn out, just relax, accept that you are doing the best you can.
    I can thoroughly recommend alternative therapy like hypnosis
     
  4. Keep up the counselling and take whatever relaxation therapy you can get. If your compulsion to overwork, overthink and obsess on not being perfect enough are making you ill or unfit for work, then you need help with managing these feelings. You can't be sacked for a couple of weeks off with anxiety - there'd be no teachers left - but if you're worried about it you could ask for some sort of medication to calm you down a bit while the counselling takes effect.
     
  5. flickaz

    flickaz New commenter

    Oh my god you're me but 2 years younger and teaching secondary not primary! I too love my job, have very high expectations of myself and often tell the head she should just get rid of me cos I'm not good enough when in fact I get good with outstanding features on the majority of my lesson obs!
    I was referred to occ health who haven't been incredibly useful yet but we shall see what happens next. At the beginning of November I was sent home as "not fit to teach" after spending 2 hours solid crying in the heads office over a variety of stupid things! Went back into school as normal the next day, convinced the head that I ok and it was a combination of things set me off and we've agreed an action plan should I ever feel myself getting into that state of mind again. Fingers crossed I haven't had to use it yet! I didn't believe her either intially but I'm starting to realise now that she isn't out to get me and does want to keep me in class whenever possible. Don't be afraid to ask for support or take what you are offered - it's not a sign of weakness!
     
  6. I hope you appreciate what a star of a HT you've got!
     
  7. politicspeg

    politicspeg New commenter

    Hi all
    Thanks for your input. My main concern has been losing my job. I have been working really hard to get better and to look after myself and am feeling more positive. I've not yet had to cope with a day on my own but in company i'm a lot better.
    I want to go back to work as I hate missing it but I don't know when to go. I don't want to jump back in and go back to square one, but nor do I want to let my colleagues and students down. I know my head of department is wonderful and I am grateful for her support, but as she is also my friend, I still feel very guilty about the pressure my absence puts on her.
    I'm thinking of going back mid-week this week, if I feel ok. I have two days on my own to get through before then, and I think they'll be a good measure of how I'm really doing. I'm not entirely sure I've not just stuck my head in the sand although I have been working hard to change my thinking. I think work actually does me good, provided i don't fall to bits again!!
    Thank you for your reassurances. Even if occupational health were to get involved, I now feel more confident that I can get better. Frustratingly, I know I am having a good day and bad days are not so positive, but surely having a good day is a good start.
     
  8. groovy15

    groovy15 New commenter

    Hi,

    I know exactly how you feel. I go through spells of clinical derpression. I currently have Post Natal Depression and have just come back off maternity. I too am frightened of losing my job because I feel I am not good enough and past bullying has not helped. I too love my job!!!
    If you need a chat feel free to email me gorgeous_fashion@hotmail.com

    Chin up x

     
  9. This could have been written by me 12 months ago. Almost identical situation, feelings etc, was sent home after sobbing uncontrollably in the dep head's office.

    School gave me a week's leave, then I went and got signed off with stress-related anxiety and the school paid for counselling for me and I gradually went back in on a phased return. No ulterior motive from the school or SLT, although I was very frightened that there would be at the time due to the previous school I'd worked at.

    Through my counselling I managed to change my approach and mentailty to work, and it sounds as though you need to do this now. I had to accept that a major source of my stress was me, and my constant berating myself for not being exceptional for every hour of every day. These were my expectations, no-one else's, and I count my lucky stars every day that I work in a school run by human beings instead of suited & booted psychopaths, as ulttimately this experience changed my life better in the long run. I really think you should try and see a good counsellor, if you can afford to pay then this will enable you to be seen much sooner. Where abouts in the country are you? I can recommend the one I had if you're around Lancs.
     
  10. Just tried to link to my thread from when I was in this boat but it isn't allowing me to copy and paste for some reason. If you want to read it search for my user name, the title is 'Sinking but don't want to give up - some advice please?', thought i might give you a little hope to read from the start and see that I've come out the other side...
     
  11. Vampyria

    Vampyria New commenter

    What an apt description! [​IMG]
    Glad to hear things are better now and you're in a much nicer place!
     

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