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delicate problem, don't laugh

Discussion in 'Personal' started by amberwaves, Apr 10, 2011.

  1. My partner (male) and I have been together for three years (on and off). He is a big built guy, plays rugby so has always been around 13 stone. He had a knee injury six months ago and has had to stop playing rugby although he still goes training once a week. He has put on quite a bit of weight, I didn't notice until we were in bed the other night (I am v. embarassed to even write it) and I was finding it hard to breathe with his weight on me. I just switched position and it was OK but it's happened again since obviously, and I think I almost pulled a muscle trying to move with him.
    I tactfully suggested that he could take a bit more weight off me and he got all huffy and said he thought I liked it and if I didn't why didn't I say so before now. I stupidly said that I did but the problem was that he had put on so much weight, over a stone as it turned out. He was not happy at all and said if he ever made a comment about not fancying me because I got fat, I would think he was a b*£$%*&. He hasn't exactly been avoiding sex since but it's there between us now and I don't know how to make it right.
    I've been staying at my friend's house this weekend and it feels like a relief to not have to think about having sex with him ata ll.
  2. To be honest, I can see his point; I'd be absolutely mortified if my OH had said anything along those lines, and I'm ashamed to admit it but I've hovered around the 13 stone mark in the past and resembled a beached whale!
    I don't know if I've misunderstood but are you saying it's a relief not to think about having sex with him because of the atmosphere since this remark or because of his weight?
  3. I do fancy him! He is still the same man just a bit heavier and not through his own fault. But he really does weigh a tonne when he's - well you know what I mean. I've obviously really hurt his feelings but I think he's making too much out of it.I think i should be able to say something (to avoid being crushed and suffoccated) in a nice way without this major huff. It isn't something I can talk about with people I know so I do value your opinions. Is it me that was insensitive? Should i have just put up with it?
    I have to go home now so will check in later.
  4. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    Why dont you teach him more adventurous ways....missionary is not the only position. Im way overweight but one can 'do it; withough leaning or putting your weight on your partner.
    Maybe you need to show him and tell him to grow up
    Male pride in this area is a bad thing...he probabaly knows he is over weight but stil imagininges himself as wonderfully attractive...and you have dented that.
    Either give him time to lick his pride....or be honest , face up to it and talk.....and buy hima good manula so he realises their is an alternative way(amazing how many guys dont know a method other than missionary).You never know you might even enjoy it rather than enduring it![​IMG]
  5. Si N. Tiffick

    Si N. Tiffick Occasional commenter

    Why don't you just get on top?!
  6. I can see why he is sensitive about his weight but there is a difference between not fancying and not wanting to be crushed
  7. She said she did that in the first post. As the much smaller wife of a recently-larger husband I am feeling her pain. Don't most people use errrr... a range of different positions per shagging occasion? If only to avoid cramp?
  8. fab208

    fab208 New commenter

    LOL! I have just read oldsomeman's post and thought a 'manula' was some kind of exotic sex toy that I had never heard of until I realised it was a typo!
    Anyway, there are lots of positions you can try which won't involve your being squashed. I am sure he was very hurt and embarrassed even though you didn't mean for him to be.
    Helping find a constructive way for him to lose weight might be an option - walking etc (not to mention the exercise from the 'you know what'! [​IMG] when you next get round to it). To be honest, I think you may have to be the one to initiate the next session (as it were...) as he may be so mortified that he doesn't want to try for fear of rejection.
  9. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Alternatively you could take up womens' rugby, weight training, drinking copious quantities of beer, singing rude songs and exposing your bum in public, and put on loads of weight so your nocturnal activities take place on a more equal footing ;-)
  10. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Put the fat git on a diet.
  11. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    think he dam lucky to get any knooky myself! lol
  12. Thank you all for your funny replies ! We have done it several times since, it's just that he's so self-conscious now that he won't attempt anything that might put any weight on me - it's forced and it sort of breaks the moment- not sure that it's better than breaking my ribs or not.
  13. How about you just leave it? It's such hard work to keep up a huff, I bet he just gradually goes back to normal (you know, crushing your ribcage). In my experience the huffiness will wear off if left alone, though as someone else said, an apology wouldn't go amiss though I daresay you've already done so. If not, make it soon because dragging it up will just open the wound again.
    The huff can be sorted but the weight thing - if he's going to go off on one every time you point out you're going blue with suffocation during sex, that is not good at all. I don't know where I'm going with this to be honest. In the case of my old man I told He Of The Uncrushable Ego that he was doing my back in and the next time we did the Conjugal Beastliness he started doing dumb press-ups and counting them. And he hasn't made the slightest effort to lose any weight.
    I suppose you could just try and avoid ever being underneath but I can see that it might clobber spontaneity a bit. Though when i had my knee op, indeed when I was heavily pregnant, we did it different ways, though without resentment.
    Am wittering now so will stop. Sorry not to be any help.

  14. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    He is now being considerate and trying not to hurt you. That's sweet. That's what you wanted to happen when you told him, rightly so, that you weren't comfortable.
    How about a bit more communication in future about what is and is not good for each of you? Then if anything uncomfortable occurs again, it will be no big thing (Sorry!) to just say so.
    Many couples do enjoy trying 'this and that' and develop an easy communication about it that doesn't involve too much talking - subtle gestures etc
    Be positive!
  15. I know! It sounds as if he can't do right for doing wrong! I think the problem as you say is communication. I cringe with embarassment having to say anything at all and made a big effort to say it in a nice way and it still went wrong. He cringes with embarassment and then gets narky at having to hear it. I think I would be the same with anyone.
  16. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    FGS take the inititive...you drag him into the love place( might not be bed) and tell him tonight you are really going to please him, then ask him to follow(nicely) and lead him to the new places...including his weight on you if you feel ready.Im so pleased yu have managed to get it together and if he is acting that way he has obviously thought about it....but a i have said in the past there is more than one way to do it...so suggest,wheddle and cajole, but try to let him think he thought of it.....wont hurt his pride then!
    I so hope yu have a happy time
    Il just sigh and remeber when...lol
    it does say in the Bible that old men shall dream dreams lol
  17. Why not go on top?
    How exactly did you put it?
    At one point I had an ex who was 20 stone - I had to give him a gentle tip that he should use his arms to support himself, rather than crushing my ribcage.

  18. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    You know what they say 'A big nail needs a big hammer'!
  19. lardylady

    lardylady Star commenter

    That's given me a mental image I could do without.
  20. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    i do remember on grim fighters one of the fatter guy said when your heavy you can at least put some welly into it!.......why would he wear wellingtons in bed?

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