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Discussion in 'Personal' started by susanrk, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. susanrk

    susanrk Occasional commenter

    A friend's husband walked out last night. He has been very controlling for years and I'm pretty sure he'll come back. She has thousands of pounds in loans and on credit cards, as well as their mortgage, due to his spending but the loans and credit cards are all in her name!! If he doesn't come back what should she do? She won't be able to make all the payments. Thank you.
  2. 50sman

    50sman Lead commenter

    Debt management plans from Stepchange or Christians Against Poverty are a good place to start

    get her to talk yo either of those NOW

    thry are charities and recognised by lenders
  3. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    I strongly suggest that your friend takes advice from the Citizen's Advice Bureau or a recognised debt charity (rather than from online strangers whose situations and experiences may be very different).
  4. susanrk

    susanrk Occasional commenter

    I absolutely agree. I was just asking for signposting I guess to the relevant agencies. Thank you both.
    agathamorse, Sundaytrekker and Jamvic like this.
  5. will_osweighton

    will_osweighton New commenter

    Stepchange and CAB are both really good for debt. I've heard good things about Christians Against Poverty but don't have any personal experience of them. None of these organisations will judge. They will just help.
  6. phatsals

    phatsals Established commenter

    If she goes to Step Change site it is all online. It is very overwhelming when dealing with debt, but it is all manageable. The credit cards and loans are not priority debts, but they will carp loudest. She needs support and advice as it's easy to become swept along and offer more than she can afford. The key is to write to them, using Step Change letters to help, asking them to freeze interest and offering a token repayment of £1 per month. Her priority debts are the mortgage, utilities, food - not credit cards or loans

    Citizens advice would be a better place to start as she will be face to face with someone, but there could be a wait. Step Change will provide online budget sheets she can use to look at her income and expenditure. That will show what, if anything she has left to offer to non-priority debts. It also provides template letters to send to creditors with offers of payment and steps to follow. It is a very good service, but you do have to do it yourself. Citizens Advice will do it for you.

    I was a Money Advisor (debt counsellor) for the CAB for a number of years. This situation isn't unsurmountable but it's bumpy. She needs to check if all the debts are in her name, and if there are any more. She can check with Experian or one of the other credit reference agencies, what her credit record is. But her first step is to write to the creditors and freeze the interest.
  7. Doitforfree

    Doitforfree Star commenter

    And if she goes to CAB she will get help with anything else she hasn't thought about, as well as her rights regarding the house and so on.
  8. Jamvic

    Jamvic Star commenter

    She should still seek out support for sorting out the debts that are in her name even if he does return otherwise it may just be postponing the same issues to a future date if he does eventually leave for good.
    Lara mfl 05, agathamorse and susanrk like this.
  9. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    change the locks?
    agathamorse and susanrk like this.
  10. susanrk

    susanrk Occasional commenter

    I'm not sure that's legal if the house is in both names.
  11. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    She also needs to talk to the banks/loaners and make sure that he cannot use her cards/does not have access to her account (this may mean opening another account solely in her name). I am wondering, if the cards and loans are all in her name, how do they relate to his spending? Has he been using her cards without her knowledge? Forging her signature on loan agreements etc.? If so, this is fraud, and may need to involve the police.
    caress, oldsomeman, Jamvic and 2 others like this.
  12. mothorchid

    mothorchid Star commenter

    CAB are excellent. I'd echo all the voices who have suggested them. Christians Against Poverty are less effective and their usual approach is to be terribly sympathetic without actually being very practical. Or such is the experience of some people whom I have been in contact with who have been involved with them.
    One problem is that people don't necessarily know enough about priorities. If you don't pay council tax, for example, you can have a CCJ against you in very short order, but credit card companies are slower. And the Council Tax bills can be smaller, but lead to your home being repossessed/an eviction much more quickly than other sorts of debt. However, credit cards have a fairly high rate of interest, which is why your friend needs to get that halted, as @phatsals suggested in post 6.
    It's not an easy road ahead.
    caress, knitone, Jamvic and 2 others like this.
  13. susanrk

    susanrk Occasional commenter

    No he's been spending thousands with her knowledge. It's been part of his controlling. If he doesn't get what he wants he doesn't talk to her and she can't cope with his moods so gives in.
  14. Corvuscorax

    Corvuscorax Star commenter

    not if its in both their names, hence the question mark. But you say she is paying the mortgage and its in her name?
    susanrk likes this.
  15. susanrk

    susanrk Occasional commenter

    I suspect it's in both their names. She pays almost everything as his employment is quite seasonal.
    On another issue completely there's a security camera outside their house which obviously feeds to his phone. He knows who's coming to see her which isn't very helpful. Does anyone know if that can be switched off?
  16. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    All finances relating to the household were in my name during my marriage. My ex had such a poor credit rating (I know, red flag) that he couldn’t get a loan or credit card. So if we needed to borrow, which we did when we bought him a car, and when we needed to have the bathroom and kitchen remodelled after a huge leak in the roof, and when I got sick and couldn’t work, all that had to go in my name. It isn’t necessarily fraud, sometimes it’s just necessity if you need money and one party can’t borrow.
    Jamvic, Sundaytrekker and susanrk like this.
  17. will_osweighton

    will_osweighton New commenter

    It sounds as if, in addition to getting debt advice, your friend also needs the assistance of a domestic abuse service and specialist solicitor. Local DA associations and Women's Aid can signpost to appropriate organisations, as can local DA services. Liability for debt may be mitigated if coersive control is an issue and the whole relationship needs to be viewed as parts of a whole, rather than in separate compartments.

  18. chelsea2

    chelsea2 Star commenter

    Smash it.

    ETA Or tie a bag over it.
  19. emerald52

    emerald52 Star commenter

    It’s coercive control - domestic abuse. Inform police and get locks changed.
  20. susanrk

    susanrk Occasional commenter

    Jamvic and emerald52 like this.

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