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daughter going to uni- dreading it already!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by breadmaker, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. breadmaker

    breadmaker New commenter

    Does anyone have any tips? My daughter is on course to go to uni in september and even though it's months away, I'm already dreading it and wondering how we will cope when she's gone. We are a very close family who have shared interests and she is especially close to her brother who is 12. Anyone got anyu tips how we will manage individually and as a family? I have encouraged her to go and live away from home- 2 hours away- as I know it's better for her in the long term, buit I feel tearful every time I think of her not being here. Thanks
     
  2. breadmaker

    breadmaker New commenter

    Does anyone have any tips? My daughter is on course to go to uni in september and even though it's months away, I'm already dreading it and wondering how we will cope when she's gone. We are a very close family who have shared interests and she is especially close to her brother who is 12. Anyone got anyu tips how we will manage individually and as a family? I have encouraged her to go and live away from home- 2 hours away- as I know it's better for her in the long term, buit I feel tearful every time I think of her not being here. Thanks
     
  3. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Don't look on it as losing a daughter so much as gaining a bathroom.

    Mrs MSB felt the same way when our youngest was about to fly the nest, but since last September she's settled into the new home routine and actually enjoys a free bathroom, not having to tidy up after daughter, no lifts, no piles of dirty plates hidden in the bedroom, reduced food and utility bills, quieter evenings and so on.

    Said offspring comes home from time to time anyway (and she's at the opposite end of the country to us), and they find opportunities to meet up somewhere in between for girly shopping trips as well. Two hours away is nothing.

    Also - younger brother has always shared you with older sister, but older sister once had you all to herself. Now's a chance for younger brother to get more of your time.

    Advice? Let daughter settle in to Uni, don't get overwrought if she doesn't make friends for a week or two, and especially in Freshers Week. Don't keep ringing and texting about this that and the other (as I'm sure will be your instinct) every night. Get a Skype account and use it sparingly - that way you can see each other. Our daughter uses it to keep in touch with the cat! If you're as close as you say she'll probably be back at regular intervals, but she has to move on and find her own way at some point.

    Knowing when to let go is the hardest part of being a parent, but you're not letting go for good anyway. And make the most of your new-found freedom once you've stopped blubbing ;-)
     
  4. Don't fret. She will be back in the hols at latest with a great big bag of laundry.
    You'll cope - all our parents did too (long way off for me to be saying tata to my kiddies, and of course, it will be strange) - but you can stay in touch and things are never as bad as we imagine.
    And your son now gets you all to himself for a while - he has never had that.
     
  5. Henriettawasp

    Henriettawasp New commenter

    Wise words indeed!
    I fretted for months before No 1 child left for Uni last September... and was amazed how quickly I became used to the new routine.


     
  6. Richie Millions

    Richie Millions New commenter

    Change is a normal process. Change is inevitable. Change brings both concerns and opportunities. One day you will be welcoming your grandchildren. One day you will all be dead. Life goes on x
     
  7. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    I lost both mine to uni in Sep 2009 within 4 days of each other. I was in tears....heartbroken having spent 20 years with them!
    I got used to it very quickly though.....tidy house, food in fridge, beer in bottles and my electricity bill slashed!
    Still miss them loads.
    Love it when they come home now but it's fine when they go again.
     
  8. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    Sorry nothing to offer, mine are off in September/ October, I've got everything crossed that they will live 2 hours + away so that they can't come back every hour/ day/ weekend.
    It'll be lovely to see them grow up and start a new stage of their lives.
     
  9. It's not as bad as I expected. She left last year. A couple of hours away too. She couldn't wait to go as she had "outgrown" school. As she does a humanity contact time is sweet FA, so she comes home every month or more to work, go clubbing or party. Frequently enough to avoid taking her clothes to the washing-shop. She's grown up loads and TBH is nicer for it. There is more freedom for us;we can go out more or just catch a film when we want. All in all not nearly as tough as I expected. HTH
     
  10. landaise

    landaise Occasional commenter

    My eldest started university in September. She had been away for the summer, though so we'd started to get used to her not being around ( she worked all summer to earn a bit of money and lived on site )
    I find we have a closer relationship now, she rings nearly every day for a chat and we argue less. I'm pleased she's learned to be independent so quickly, she manages her money OK and she doesn't always bring washing with her when she comes.
    You say you're a close family, I think we are too because we've always lived some distance from the rest of the family so we've always relied solely on each other. The whole role of a parent is to bring your children up to be responsible adults so they can leave and gain their independence. Going away to university is doing just that. Consider it as a job well done and enjoy her visits, next step is grandchildren !
     
  11. chicabonita

    chicabonita New commenter

    If you keep thinking that you won't cope, then you won't, and you might make her feel guilty for spreading her wings and moving away. If your whole family depends on your daughter to be there to "cope" then it's probably a good thing that she is moving out, because then all of you can find some individual interests and branch out- especially your son, who's at a good age to develop his own interests.
    That said, it won't make you less close- unless you inadvertently make your daughter feel bad about not being at home any more. I have seen this in action- one of my house mates in my first year at uni felt so guilty about leaving her mum (who wasn't shy about broadcasting her pain and sorrow at being left) that by half way through our second year, she had dropped out, moved home and was trying to enroll at a college nearer to home, to do a course which wasn't the same as she'd been on and wasn't really what she wanted to do. She'd spent every first-year weekend going home, or feeling guilty on the odd one or two where she stayed at uni. It cost her a fortune in travelling and I'm sure that it will have cost her a lot in fees and loans, because of course by the time she started her new course, fees had come in and the loan system had changed. We lost touch but this girl sacrificed a hell of a lot for her mum who just "couldn't cope" without her living in the same house, and she didn't want to give up her course and her life; I do wonder whether she ever managed to escape or whether she still lives at home...
    Landaise in particular is right when she says you can become closer after you've got some physical space- I certainly became MUCH closer to my mother after I'd left home. It was easier to talk to her when we didn't have to live with those conversations hanging in the air afterwards!

     
  12. I found the run up to their leaving for University the hardest part.
    It hurt to think of their bedrooms being quiet and unused. When they were packing to go it used to tear me apart although I kept a smiley face. Mine have been away, graduated and come back home again, although daughter now has her own house with her boyfriend.
    Like MAJ says, they really do grow up after a little time away and seem to appreciate their parents more when they come back to visit. The hardest bit is driving them there for the first time and dropping them off, but it's amazing how easily you get used to a quieter and tidier house. If you are close now, you'll remain close I expect, and the growing up they do when they have to fend for themselves is a real bonus. Your relationship moves up one level and becomes different, but better imo.
     
  13. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Indeed they do!
    Agre with that one too.
     
  14. And another thing ... with hindsight.
    A lot of what I thought I would miss after she was gone actually stopped happening a few years before. So all that fun family trips to the zoo, helping with arts and crafts, baking, shopping for clothes (for example. I am sure you know what i mean) had already stopped. The reality of the last year with a 17/18 year old was out at school/college, homework, facebook, boyfriend, weekend-working, nightclubs, sleep overs elsewhere and holiday without us (and with us!). So when she went it was not the drastic change I thought it would be.
     
  15. smoothnewt

    smoothnewt Lead commenter

    This was certainly the case with out eldest, now in her second year away, as she had been pretty much leading her own life for a couple of years before departure in any case. Family holidays had become a pain since she was 14 if the truth be told - she wanted her friends over and above family and used to come away with us under duress.
    However, as with the OP, we have a far closer relationship with our younger daughter (Year 12)who, whilst she has a good number of friends, will still come out with us to lunch, dinner or occasionally to see a film. Even though she goes on trips far and wide with the ranger guides, she will still come away with us willingly if time allows. I just love having her around and know that I will be living in a void once she goes, and that it will hit me very hard.
     
  16. It's the dog v cat thing. You have one of each. I guess it's a bit harder with the dogs.
     

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