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Dad missed the birth and I'm having a hard time accepting that...

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by notsomightymouse, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. Hi everyone,
    Not sure anyone can help, but having a really hard
    time coming to terms with the recent birth of my daughter and could use
    any advice or comments.
    My partner started a new job literally on
    the day that I gave birth to our daughter. He had to go away for 48
    hours for a conference and I said that he should go, as there were no
    signs that the baby was coming and really didn't think we could be so
    unlucky with the time, also felt it was his decision to make and so
    didn't want to beg him to stay, only to look like an over reacting woman
    when no baby came for another 2 weeks and he missed such an important
    start in the new job. He left on Wednesday afternoon (2nd March) and
    then that night I had my waters break and went into labour. I was lucky
    to be staying with my mum and after 2 hours of timing she insisted that
    we go to the hospital. We got there and I was 8cm and baby Elli arrived
    one hour later. From start to finish it all lasted about 4 hours, and I
    was lucky to need no pain relief and have just a reasonable tear. I was
    in denial most of the time thinking it was stomach pains, refusing to
    accept that OH wouldn't be there. Think I was in shock for the first
    days as there was no time to adjust to the fact that the baby was really
    coming.
    I have been so lucky, Elli fed well right from the start,
    she sleeps for 4 hour stretches through the night, only really cries
    when she needs something. I have my mum and dad nearby for these first
    few weeks and they come by each day and help with food, cleaning,
    washing etc. I should be over the moon.
    But... I can't stop crying
    today and thinking about the birth and how awful it is that OH missed
    it all. I can't help feeling sad that we won't have that special memory
    to share with each other when we are old. He has no idea what it was
    like, and it doesn't really interest him to talk about it because it is
    such a foreign idea to him. It's like hearing about a holiday you didn't
    go on when someone keeps wanting to show you the photos and you can't
    really understand. I feel gutted that we missed this chance to bond over
    this amazing thing, and that we'll never be able to say 'remember
    when..?'.
    Elli is 11 days today, and I guess this must be the baby
    blues kicking in, so shoudl just grin and bear it for a while.. mum is
    coming over with lunch to look after me. I just wish I could turn back
    time and have had him there to share it with me and to see what I went
    through.
     
  2. Hi - I didn't want to read and run - sorry to hear your sad reflections on such a momentous occasion. I guess there's not much I can say that will make you feel better - but relish in the fact that you and her have this amazing bond and (I may be well out of line here) but treat it like a little secret that only you and her have. I know that might seem wrong to say, but rather than keep going over old ground and getting more frustrated that your OH wasn't there, try to go along the acceptance route.
    Sorry I can't be more help! Keep your chin up
    x
     
  3. i'm not quite sure what to advise - i know i would be gutted too, but i think more because he wasn't there for me than he wasn't there for the birth. i know my OH would have loved LO just as much as he does even if he hadn't been at the birth and i would have been able to keep some of my dignity! i'm not sure many people have their ideal birth (i sure as heck didn't) and having a good, rapid labour with no complications and a healthy baby is an amazing achievement. your OH is probably just as gutted he missed the birth which is why he doesn't want to talk about it - he's probably a bit jealous.
     
  4. In my area you can make an appointment with a midwife to go through your birth notes and talk about what happened and why. You might find this helps? Since you say you were in denial for most of it, it would give you the opportunity to go through your birth story with someone who can talk about what happened? Just a suggestion! xx
     
  5. First off, HUGE congratulations NSMM.
    I can offer my opinion as I (as yet) have no experience of giving birth, but I imagine I would be hugely disappointed if my OH could nt be there for the birth. Thank goodness you had your mum to hold your hand. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel, does he feel the same? Was he able to come home from the conference to be with you? Could he take some paternity leave to support you when your mum is nt aorund, although I guess with a new job that may be hard. Can you speak to your midwife/health visitor about it because if it is a touch of pnd then I dont think you should ignore it and grin and bear it, you're too importnat to put up and shut up.
    Good luck and once again congratulations ILTW x
     
  6. It is true of course that lots of people have traumatic births but that doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel upset about what happened to you.
    In truth, I think that most people have something that upsets them around the time of birth, whether its the birth, having a cs, bfing not working out (mine!), there are lots of possibilities. It's a very hormonal and vulnerable time, your body has been through a massive trauma.
    I really think that you need to talk through the experience with
    someone like your health visitor, it sounds like a horrible thing to
    happen. You don't want this to turn into PND, you want to enjoy your beautiful daughter. For what its worth, in time you will be able to see it objectively.
     
  7. It is true of course that lots of people have traumatic births but that doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel upset about what happened to you.
    In truth, I think that most people have something that upsets them around the time of birth, whether its the birth, having a cs, bfing not working out (mine!), there are lots of possibilities. It's a very hormonal and vulnerable time, your body has been through a massive trauma.

    I really think that you need to talk through the experience with
    someone like your health visitor, it sounds like a horrible thing to
    happen. You don't want this to turn into PND, you want to enjoy your beautiful daughter. For what its worth, in time you will be able to see it objectively.
     
  8. Thanks for the advice and good wishes everyone. I had a very long talk with my mum about this and she was also sure that I was just fixating on the birth as everything else was going so well and I needed some kind of outlet for all the hormonal feelings. I talked to OH when he came home and he was also very sweet, and said that of course we have great memories, and our special time is when he got to the hospital for the first time and saw me and Elli and that is what we will remember. Had a bit of a rough couple of days, but has passed a bit since then, definitely just a touch of baby blues I think. I am very lucky to have lots of family round looking after me and helping out and hopefully these will just be little blips along the way
     

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