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Dad help needed

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Elerirose, Dec 26, 2010.

  1. Hello all, I used to be a regular poster but under another name. I apologise but I would rather not be recognised but was hoping for some advice. I've had an ok Christmas and today broached the subjectof booking a holiday in the new year. My OH didn't seem very up for the idea but I guessed perhaps the time was wrong to ask. Anyway I had assumed that we would go away during the holidays in the summer to the house he owns. Last year we took our daughter and his 3 older kids. I bought our flights and he bought the kids and also paid for his ex partner to fly out after us so his kids could have an extended holiday with their mum. He paid all spending money for them and we went halves for the time we were there. Anyway today our little girl had an almighty tantrum in a town centre (she's hard work but I'm sure it's just a toddler stage) we came home early at his suggestion and I thought I would mention buying the flights again as a way if cheering him up. He then said he wasn't bothered and that he would rather not go anywhere because our little girl has tantrums and basically hinted he hated our last holiday because she was hard work. Yesterday he told his previous partner to arrange flights for her and their kids and that he would pay. It seems like I'm not entitled to a holiday even though I pay. More worryingly though is how he feels about our daughter. I never realised he disliked her so much. He said she's hard work and his other kids were never like that. I feel absolutely crushed. She's my only child so I have nothing to compare her too and she is stubborn and willful but she's also only 3. I said I want to take her away somewhere otherwise she doesn't get a break and I'm off for 6 weeks. He said to take her on my own if I wanted because it's not a holiday for him - even though I do everything for her. I'm gutted. He's asleep now but I need to talk to him when he wakes up. What would you say if you were me?
     
  2. Hello sorry, anyone?

    I'm really stuck for help, I've left it a few days and today he has booked and paid for his ex partner and kids flight and told his ex partner not to worry about paying him back. I've said nothing but have no idea what to do. Please all opinions gladly listened to.
     
  3. I'd tell him he was being selfish and using favouritism for his ex and other children and that simply wasn't on. You are *both* responsible for your child. However, you may also want to discuss ways that you can agree parenting skills for your child. Toddler tantrums are one thing but a 3 year old ruling the roost is another. My 2 (well actually my daughter more than my son) could be wilful at that age - but so what - I was in charge and they learned that pretty damn quickly (without the use of violence I may add!). My daughter is getting on for 20 and can still be a mardy madam sometimes but you know what - I'm still in charge and she still knows it!

    I really don't think that either his attitude or his actions speak well of him or his views of your relationship together though.
     
  4. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Lead commenter

    Apart from his second home abroad what was it that attracted you to this man, Elerirose?
     
  5. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    Or perhaps he just doesn't want to think about going on holiday at the moment
     
  6. Perhaps you need to think about how his new family differs from his first family. The other big difference is that his children are now older and it's very easy to see the past with rose coloured glasses when you're not dealing with the daily fuss and bother of littlies.
    Some second time around fathers enjoy the chance to spend more time with little ones, partly regretting the lost chances with the older ones. Others were never terribly keen and are even less keen when they find themselves in that situation again.
    One big difference for your daughter is that she has to deal with the fact that daddy has another family that interrupt and detract from the attention she (like all small ones) feels should be hers alone. His first family never had that disruption to their home or emotional life.
     
  7. Also to add to the mix, your OH is himself older and perhaps a little less tolerant of children. If little one is a handful then maybe he just feels that he is at a point where it is too difficult to deal with. My ex is 49 with a difficult 4 year old and I know he finds that hard. I also know having had a difficult first born (he is 21 and still difficult)I wouldn't be able to cope with that at my age now.
    Maybe your OH is feeling a little tired out as I am assuming he has been at home and not work over the last few days so has had a little more contact with the little one than he would have normally. With that in mind suggesting a holiday at this point may not have been good timing.
     
  8. Just to clarify one point

    He does not seem to be advantaging the previous family over the new ... in both cases a holiday sans himself has been suggested ... unless I have misread

    It is entirely possible that his previous relationship was one where his wife cared primarily for the children and that he did not have to cope with them at all

    Oh, and, tantrums are normal but not acceptable
     

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