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Cyclothymic disorder..... anybody else have this?

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by anon4561, Mar 7, 2011.

  1. Cyclothymic disorder..... a milder version of being bi-polar. Long periods of mild to (occasionally) severe depression (months at a time) followed by a brief (usually 2-4 weeks) of feeling really happy and energized.......I still teach and function in the depressive state, and mainly hang around 'entertainment' threads as a diversion, so I come across as being 'happy' .......but I'm not. (TES is a lovely diversion for me and has kept me sane at the worst of times) . I've just had my 'good' phase, and now I've hit low point and just want to just die peacefully. I don't mean I'm feeling suicidal...I'd never do that...have been through this for years, so am not going to start now! But I just get so very tired of it all..... The sad thing is that in the 'up' period, you want to stay that way....but you just know that the 'downs' will follow. It's all peaks and troughs for me, and I just long to be 'content'. The lows are difficult, the highs are tiring.....I'd just like to feel just 'ok' most of the time.... To any of you who read this....I'm not talking about the normal highs and lows of life...we all get those.... I'm talking about very, very grim lows, and very high, 'highs' and never, ever reaching a neutral ground......Anyone else have this? And how do you cope?
  2. Annie, Cosmos is right, you need to get proper medical help for this.
    You've been through a rough few months and things are still not right. You (and OH) need time to come to terms with everything that has happened.
    I don't know anything about your condition but I'm wondering if trying to appear happy or normal is actually doing you more harm than good? Just a thought.
    Take care of yourself x
  3. Thanks, Cosmos and Gar.... I have an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow, but not looking forward to it, as I was supposed to go back and see him six months ago, to increase the dosage on my anti-depressants...... but I haven't actually been taking them at all. So, he's not going to be very impressed.......I've been cancelling, missing, or postponing the appointment for months now. He wants me to be on anti-depressants long term, and I just don't want to be. I 'cope' most of the time. It's just when i hit a real low, like now, and start having the 'death thoughts' (again, not suicidal...... just I-want-to-go-to-sleep-and-not-wake-up) that I realize that I'm in real trouble. But I'll keep this appointment and ask him if I can also get referred to someone as still haven't discussed the food (and my dislike of it) issue with him. I'm in a bit of a mess really when I look at myself logically....a very highly-functioning mess......but a mess nonetheless, and just so very tired of being me.........it's exhausting. x
  4. Annie, for goodness sake go to the appointment!
    To my (completely ignorant and untrained) mind this seems to be the problem.
    Life shouldn't be about coping most of the time, it should be about living and enjoying it most of the time and coping when things get rough. (Sorry, that sounds a bit twee even to me but you know what I mean)
    Why don't you want to take the anti-depressants?
    On a defferent note, is there a possiblity that you and OH could have some couples counselling to help you through the grief?
  5. Thanks, Gar.... unfortunately HAVE had to postpone appointment....didn't realize we had after school meeting tomorrow...but have made one for two weeks time...which is fine, as I have enough tablets to take for two weeks, and have to be on this dose before I can 'up' it...... I don't want to be on tablets, as I do lots of behavioural techniques for coping with the depressive episodes, and I'm a stroppy Scot...so it's like a personal battle..........me taking on the depression, and I can usually win...... it's just every now and again, it gets the upper hand and kicks me in the guts (like now......) I know that this is stupid, and doctors have said things like "Well, if you were a diabetic, you would have to be permanently on medication......." I don't see the depression or the whole cyclothymic as a 'weakness'.... it's a medical condition......but I see taking the medication for it as being weak! And i do realize the contradictions inherent in that statement! But WILL see doc soon and take tablets in meantime.....I think OH needs counselling for his dad's death, and I think I need separate help..............xx
  6. snowstorm

    snowstorm New commenter

    I haven't been following your story, and Im no medical expert, but I have some experience of what you describe here. Have you been referred for expert help ie, your GP can only do so much. If you are on the bi-polar spectrum, the anti-depressants will shoot you up into a high, which, although is a fab feeling, will bring you down with a crash. It sounds like you need to be taking mood-stabilisers to get you on an even keel. The ones prescribed is medication for epileptics which calm the brain down; you may need a combination of anti-depressants, mood-stabilser and another one which deals with the depressive side of your condition.
  7. Thanks SS.... will discuss options with the doctor when i see him. I'm just very reluctant to try out new medication, as the last two anti-depressants that he prescribed had awful side effects....... Have started taking the only ones that have ever worked for me..... except I stopped taking them again, as felt 'ok'...... Ax
  8. snowstorm

    snowstorm New commenter

    To feel the benefit of the ADs Annie, you need to take them continuously as prescribed, otherwise the side-effects will persist; it really is worth giving them a chance to work as they will give you back your life. If you want mood-stabilisers, you will need to ask for them; they give you all the info on a leaflet to help you choose, and they dont pressurise you into taking them, but they are a god-send.
  9. Thanks everyone for your responses. But I shouldn't have started this thread. I'm going to cancel doctor's appointment (again) I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life..... I will continue to cope with it as I've done so far... at this moment in time, I would still like to just go to sleep and not wake up. but I realize (rationally) that that is the depression talking.. so will carry on regardless.... but thanks xxxxx

  10. Annie, I sympathise, but surely being permanently medicated is preferable to feeling low most of the time? As SS says, you really do have to give medication time to kick in - sometimes months - before you feel the benefits and discover you're on a more even keel.
    Unless the side effects are horrific, what is so wrong with your body being helped long-term and chemically to balance itself? All you have is some sort of imbalance that needs to be rectified.
    It's your call of course, and I wish you all the best. You have ably weighed up the situation and seem very sensible and clear about what's going on. As you say, you cope, you get by, but it must be a struggle if life rarely holds much joy for you? I hope you'll reconsider cancelling the Doc's appointment.
    Best wishes.
  11. I hope you'll reconsider too Annie. I think you need to explain your concerns to your doctor who may well be able to suggest alternatives.
    Of course, I wish you well whatever you decide to do but I do agree with AE; do you really want to be struggling for the rest of your life against an illness that is causing you so much unhappiness?
    Take good care of yourself
    C xx
  12. Thanks Arched_Eyebrow.... unfortunately there IS a side effect to the only anti-depressant that will make me feel "normal' and once I feel 'normal' I tend to stop taking it (against doctor's wishes) It's sort of embarrassing, but has to do with libido and my 'response' .... so stable...... but feeling dead from the waist down for the rest of my life? (Sorry!) I've suffered from this for so many years now, so I don't take my depressive episodes 'seriously' .... by that I mean, that I recognize that wanting to go to sleep and not wake up is not a 'rational' thought. i can, on one level, step back from it all and think "Oh, I'm not well again...." As I mentioned before, it's like having the flu... I know I'm feeling 'ill'....and I know it will pass (eventually) and I'll have a mildly elated episode, before crash and burn again.... I've got a really good book on cognitive behavioural techniques, so I understand rationally what I'm going through in the depressed state, and a lot of the time, I can feel the depressive bit coming on, and I can usually start using strategies.....lots of exercise, whether I like it or not, knowing that the depression makes me feel like not doing anything, and understanding that the best thing to do is to force myself to do things anyway, and that actually doing things will make me feel better. I can usually 'head it off at the pass' .... this one has sneaked up and kicked me in the guts, but my father-in-law just died a few weeks ago, so that's probably affecting me. So, I don't mean that I'm just going to sit back and suffer this... I mean that when this episode passes, and I start feeling a bit better, I'll make some lifestyle changes, get back into the CBT techniques, and cope with it... Now that i've made a definitive decision (after six months of making and cancelling doctor's appointments) that I'm not going back on medication.... I KNOW that I have to start embracing other coping mechanisms again. So, thanks again to everybody... I WILL be ok.... I've done this for maybe 15-20 years now? xx
  13. (((((((Annie))))))
    I mislaid my libido somewhere on the menopause journey and have yet to find it! As mentioned on another thread I occasionally find it at the bottom of a bottle of wine [​IMG]
  14. Thanks, Cosmos... sorry... I must have spent so much time writing response to Arch that I missed your previous one. I sort of know what I'm doing.... I've made a definite decision.... have warned OH that I will go through the "I have had enough and just want to die' to "Isn't life wonderful?" ... so he's prepared to deal and help me cope with whatever.... We had a 'lovely' night out last week, when we went to our favourite pub by the river, and I sat and sobbed and said "I just want to jump into the river and float away...' (that was the real low) so, this is my life as I know it... it IS a life of extremes.... has been for a long time... I'm not really used to anything else, so given that I've coped so far... I don't think it will get worse, so, I'm just readying myself for putting up with a lot more of the same....it is cyclical, so I know that the depressed bit won't last for ever.... xx
  15. Just posting because I'm as high as a kite again. Not totally manic, don't think I'm God or anything... but just feeling so energetic it's exhausting. Heart is racing, pulse is racing, mind going into overdrive...... at the time of term when all the staff are feeling exhausted from end of term reports, exam marking..... I should feel exhausted too..... especially as had all the stress of end of term concert to contend with too..... but the concert went well... so am now planning next major one.... Don't bother replying... am just venting as don't know what to do with all my excess energy! Would still welcome responses from anybody else who suffers from this..x
  16. Oops... have sort of contradicted myself about the exhaustion... what I mean is that the rest of the staff are tired/exhausted/stressed from report writing...... and I'm not stressed/exhausted... I feel on top of things with too much energy which leaves me feeling PHYSICALLY exhausted....

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