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Discussion in 'Personal' started by SIRFRANK, May 3, 2011.
Just interested really as mine has just been down for a stay...
Yes, but not through choice.
On a practical level - no. I live in a one-bedroomed flat, there is quite simply nowhere for anyone to stay ....other than sharing my double bed! (And if Mum actually 'needed' to stay I'd sleep on the floor for a week to accommodate her)
In every other way - yes. For five days I would happily have Mum here.
I don't think she'd be happy - I don't have satellite TV so she'd miss her German soaps!
I could but one of us would be dead before the 5 days was up.
No. No contact for twenty years x
Mine lived with us for five months. Twice. But at least the second time she was admitted to hospital for a month of it.
My mom just came to visit us in China and stayed for month (since she was coming so far). It was mostly a very enjoyable month. It did get on my wife's nerves a bit just having someone in the house during the times she usually had a bit of downtime, but then again we had built in baby-sitting for a change.
Yes, without any qualms at all.
Even though Mum was partially deaf and I had to speak loudly or say things two or three times to her, even though she always was an 'old' Mum (she had me at 40) had a bad hip and a hiatus hernia and couldn't help much around the house, even though she was elderly, even though her routine was different from mine.Yes, I'd have her to stay.
She had a heart of gold, was gentle and kind and looked after us so well when we were small even though her own life had been completely awful, devoid of love (and her family background was tragic.) It was always hard (physical) work for me if she stayed, but it really was a labour of love. She remained, kind, funny and generous (of heart - she had no money) right until the end.
I just wish I could look after her again, because she left an enormously big hole in my heart when she died. I was blessed to be able to have her to stay and care for her - I really think that. I know that not all people can say that about their mothers....and I find that quite sad.
oh gosh yes - my mum is fit and independant, but if she ever needs to live with one of the 4 of us, i think we'll fight to have her!
my dad however is increasingly awkward and frail - and my mil and husband fight all the time, so either to stay for 5 days would be ghastly
True.....so why do they have children in the first place? I don't understand how any mother can be vile, selfish and lacking in maternal feelings. I'd do anything for my kids.....walk over hot coals if I had to........and I know my Mum would do the same.
Nothing gives me more pleasure than when my own children (well, adults) come home and give me a great big bear hug!!! May that never change!
Because some people are twisted, snide fu.ck ups and they can conceive and give birth.
Yeah, absolutely. I stayed with her for a week recently when OH was away and we had a high old time. I suppose it's a bit different if you're the host rather than the guest, but I still think it'd be fine. She's a great lady.
True, I'm quite sure that my mother would have quite happily had me adopted if only my dad had agreed.
I'd happily have my MIL(sort-of) for longer than 5 days
As for my own children, they will always be welcome to stay at home for as long as they need to, they know this and while they don't always notice and appreciate what I do for them, they do try and know that they are very lucky
Isn't it sad?
I wonder if I'd be unbearable to my own children if I needed them or wanted to be with them in later life? Right now we have a good relationship. It isn't all sweetness and light - I have to lay the law down still every now and then, but the love is there...and it's not forced from them either.
So where do relationships with mothers go wrong or turn sour? Those who said they couldn't bear it or would be suffering if they had to put up with their mothers (the majority here it seems!) - did you ever have a good relationship with your mother?
I am of the opinion that you reap what you sow...My own mother was very loving and when she became older and more vulnerable it was my DUTY to care for her and even to hide my frustration when she'd slow me down or drive me slightly barmy! Oh at times I resented having to care...just a few times...but by and large I loved her to bits - always. It often took patience but NEVER ever would I have wanted her to feel she was a nuisance or a burden.
I just cannot imagine having a mother you don't like or want to be with. (I appreciate it happens...as this thread has shown.)
Is there any guilt then, or sense of duty or even shame that would make you feel it was your job to reverse roles and care for your own mother? Could you really, really slam the door in her face and feel no remorse?
(Genuine questions...not criticisms.)
Exactly! My mum gave up so much, and made so many sacrifices to care for me as I was growing up. It's only right and proper I do the same for her when she needs me. Fortunately she is still very sprightly and capable of caring for herself at the moment and will be 80 this year.
Arched...you have made the assumption that mothers have cared for their children. This is not always the case.
With me, my mother did care for me when I was a little girl, but as I began to grow up and develop my own personality she became very critical of me (obviously just my perception, she would probably have a very different view). I also think she was very unhappy at that time in her life and did not have the love and care to spare for me. We understood each other less and less as I became older and now have nothing in common. We are polite when we meet and I wouldn't wish her to be unhappy, but we have no connection. We see the world in very different ways and I do not want her to really get to know me as it would make me vulnerable to her hurts and criticism all over again.
And I should have said that many wonderful people can become terribly difficult to be around later on life, through physical and mental illness. They can have complete personality reversals - all that was good, goes bad. The reverse can happen also. Nasty people can change - it takes a lot of time, but I've seen it happen, they spend many years feeling terrible guilt over what they have done and they try very hard to right all their wrongs . . . . . takes time. You may never fully trust them ever again, but love can flourish.
I don't remember her saying a kind word EVER. However, I lived with my Gran from quite a young age and if she were still around then she would be welcome for 5 days++++
I don't feel any guilt or duty towards her - she has her "perfect" daughters to care for her. I would be happy to have my dad stay for as long as he wanted, it might drive us both a bit barmy but he's clever and funny and we'd find something to talk about.
Before I met OH and heard his experiences, I had naively assumed that all families operated like ours. Was quite a shock. to find siblings didn't get on and that mother was a witch. We did a lot for her when she was initially diagnosed with cancer - time, travel, expense, care etc. but she fell out with him a while before she died and sister stepped in. We heard a few months after she had died when sister sent a cheque for £100 which mother had left him - a deliberate, calculated insult. Had things been the other way round, he would have ignored the will and shared everything equally. I am so lucky with my brother and sisters - but we were brought up to love each other and get on. Thank you, Mum.
As you know Kinsa, my own darling OH has a very fractured relationship with his own Mum. So much so I've never met her! I'm sad not to have met her, but for the record and somewhat relieved as I would have to address her a 'Lady XXX'............no thank you!