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Colonel Oldgit goes to war

Discussion in 'Teaching abroad' started by Mainwaring, Mar 31, 2012.

  1. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    THE SCENE: Captain Mainwaring's office at St Aldhelm's Church Hall, Walmington on Sea. Captain Mainwaring & Sergeant Wilson. Enter Lance Corporal Jones.

    L/CPL JONES: Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring!

    CAPT MAINWARING: What is it, Corporal?

    L/CPL JONES: There's a senior officer to see you, Sir. Says he's come from GHQ to inspect us. And, Oooh, sir!

    CAPT MAINWARING: What are you dithering about? Spit it out, man.

    L/CPL JONES: He's really scary, Sir.

    CAPT MAINWARING: Well, you'd better show him in. And tell Godfrey to put the kettle on. The best china, mind, and some of the Vicar's Garibaldis.

    COL OLDGIT: (entering briskly and rapping Capt Mainwaring's desk with his swagger stick): You can forget all that fatheaded flummery. I know what you're about. Buttering me up just to muddy the waters and draw a veil over your squalid incompetence.

    SGT WILSON: I say, what an amusingly mixed metaphor!

    COL OLDGIT: Ah, I suspected it as soon as I saw the floppy haircut. A nancy-boy. How did you get your warrant? Polishing the boss's bottom, I have no doubt. You public school types disgust me.

    CAPT MAINWARING: Excuse me!

    COL OLDGIT: What for? Did you fart or something? Predictably ladylike if you did, because I didn't hear it and I have ears like a hawk.

    L/CPL JONES: Shouldn't that be...

    COL OLDGIT: And eyes like a bat.

    L/CPL JONES: Permission to speak, Sir.

    COL OLDGIT: If you must. Spit it out.

    L/CPL JONES: Well, Sir, I'd like to say that I admire my Commanding Officer and it distresses me to hear him spoken to like what you just done.

    COL OLDGIT: Like what I just done? I see. Incoherent as well as incompetent. And how did you get that stripe, eh? It bet it was for more than bringing in the biscuits. All you jumped-up young tarts have to do is flutter your eyelashes and show a bit of lisle stocking and there you are, Queens of the ATS.

    CAPT MAINWARING: Lance Corporal Jones is seventy if he's a day and the Auxiliary Territorial Service is an all female organisation.

    COL OLDGIT: I know that, Gladys. What do you take me for, a fool? The sensible shoes and the moustache don't fool me, you know. What are you in civvy street?

    CAPT MAINWARING: A bank manager.

    COL OLDGIT: Don't be silly. Nobody's mad enough to appoint a girl to a job like that. Next thing you'll be telling me that Nancy here is your Chief Clerk.

    CAPT MAINWARING: She is. I mean, he is.

    COL OLDGIT: Mein Jew, if you were a feller I can easily see how you COULD be a bank thingummy. My theory is that there's a cycle of self-perpetuating incompetence which takes eejits to the top of every profession.

    CAPT MAINWARING: Is that how you got to be a colonel, Sir?

    COL OLDGIT (dissolving into floods of tears): Gladys, you absolute b1tch! That's so typical of you SMT sadists. You love to bully us people with wide experience and long careers of obvious achievement and competence because we are reminders of how things could and should be done.

    CAPT MAINWARING (aside): This man is barking mad. Wilson, just sidle out quietly and tell the Vicar to ring for help. (Aloud): There, there, Colonel. We all love you here. Please calm down and have another cup of char.

    COL OLDGIT: Can I have another Garibaldi too, please?

    CAPT MAINWARING: Of course you may. Well, Sergeant?

    SGT WILSON (confidentially): It's all right, Sir. They reckon he's not dangerous. It seems that he works for a highly secret unit counter-intelligence unit called OFSTED and it's all become too much for him. The yellow van should arrive any moment now.
  2. Colonel Oldgit slumped down and sighed heavily. "You are quite right Mainwaring - I am too old for this."
    He pulled out his hip flask and drew heavily on it and then took off his tunic and undershirt.
    "What's he doing?" shouted Mainwaring beginning to flap.
    "Calm down, calm down," said the Colonel. "Jones, Wilson - come here."
    "Sah!" said Mainwarings faithful retainers.
    "See this?" he pointed to an ugly scar under his heart. "Malakand '97. I was 17 when that wily Pathan got me."
    He pointed to another star shaped mark: "Peking Field Force 1900 and this," he bared a nasty gash on his arm. "Cape 1901 - shell."
    A heavy silence fell across the room.
    "This one I got in Somaliland and this one on the Somme. Copped this one at Paschaendale and this one in Afghanistan in 1923. These were pretty serious ones from Iraq and I got this one with Wingate in Palestine."
    He pulled a trouser leg up to reveal a fresh bandage. "Just outside Dunkirk, a couple of months ago."
    He swigged again at the booze.
    "You're right Mainwaring. I am over the hill. But me and Richie-Hook reckon we've got one last fight in us."
    Another pull.
    "And you'll note the wounds are all in front."
    Another swig.
    "You never did see any combat service did you Mainwaring?"
  3. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    ... which nicely balances all the BS coming from the rear.
    Only on the old Tessaland Front, old boy. A victory every time.
  4. No Clodface/clodpiece, no Private Pharaoh?
  5. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    His Cloveship has a walk-on part in a different episod (no it's not a spelling mistake) which appears on both the 'Catholic Church' and 'Irony' threads on Opinion. Private Pharaoh will reappear by universal demand in the next one.
  6. Dr CO Jones

    Dr CO Jones New commenter

    Duw! How these Masons can drink!
    No Pharaoh? You can cast him as Oldgit in the remake.
  7. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Yes, I can see how he might be a member of the Craft. Probably the Grand Wizard of his local Klavern if truth were told. No young women there to mess up his promotion prospects.
  8. [​IMG]
  9. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    What, run out of ammo already?
  10. I think Oldgit talks a lot of sense and reflects the views of many here.
    And Oldgit old chap, better to be over the hill than unable to ascend it in the first place.
  11. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Each to his taste but if relentless negativity's your cup of tea the jokes are better in the Book of Jeremiah.
    I bet that's what the recruiter said when you told him how to do his job.
  12. mainwaring
    I have read your posts here in the past, read the views of others on the content of your posts and received good advice from you in the past. I believe you are a headteacher but in the past I have tried not to let this colour my perception of your posts. On this occasion I have found the temptation too difficult however.
    Relentless negativity is not my cup of tea, far from it and if it is jokes you are after I would suggest Lee Evans at the O2. I would however say that Jeremiah may have lessons for the International Education Community.
    My over the hill comment was a response to Oldgit's own reflection that he/she felt too old for this stuff.
    'Colonel Oldgit slumped down and sighed heavily. "You are quite right Mainwaring - I am too old for this."'
    Oldgit' comments give me the impression tha they have been very successful in the past.
    I am actually starting to think that this poster may be a troll and not the original Mainwaring. This thread has nothing whatsoever to do with my post about recruiters advertising nonexistent jobs. You will note if you go back to the thread that I did not tell the recruiter how to do their job, this was in fact a product of your imagination at that time. You seem to be starting to believe your own hype. If you check you will see that I chose not to get involved in their process once I discovered that there was no post.If you check you will find that the recruiter considered that short sighted. If I recall correctly you agreed, but please excuse me if my recollection is incorrect.
    I still believe the behaviour of the recruiter was shabby practice which is representative of much behaviour in the international education sector and your advice. I believe your advice was also shabby but I understand that this is my personal view, albeit one shared by a good number of teaches here.
    I find a good proportion of heads and SMT to be arrogant with delusions of sapential authority. In international education i find that heads sometimes try to justify their shabby practices by suggesting that they have little choice. It would be my view that there it is never justified to be dishonest or or treat people shabbilly but I am happy to disagree with you on this one.
    I still think Oldgit talks a lot of sense, negative or not.

  13. SMT dude

    SMT dude New commenter

    May I presume to speak for the sage of the sierras and remind you that he is no longer exercising his powers as such, though like anyone else he may have carried his professional vices and mannerisms into retirement.
    Presuming even more riskily, I thought the joke here was that the Captain has, in fact seen more winters than the self-styled 'oldgit'. It also accords with the original - 'Dad's Army' being among other things a comedy about ageing.
    Excellent news! So there are <u>two</u> people frequenting this tiny corner of the TES empire, who are capable of delighting readers by writing an excellent pastiche as funny as the immortal originals. Let us have more, I say, from both of you - and those of us who fancy ourselves as literary critics can attempt to distinguish between the Ur-Mainwaring and the ersatz one.
    Haven't we already had this discussion and agreed to differ in a perfectly polite and friendly manner?
    We are also not infrequently 'intoxicated with the exuberance of our own verbosity'.
    I find the same thing, and not just of heads but people in all walks of life, and in literature as well. May even be regarded as an aspect of the human condition to those of us flabby-minded and old fashioned enough still to believe in such a thing.
    I also find that sometimes... people do indeed have no choice.
    If a teacher of a key subject still won't tell us whether she's leaving or not, is that 'shabby' or just legitimate self-interest?
    Eastertide finds you in very solemn vein, 'methinks', bt.
  14. Karvol

    Karvol Occasional commenter

    Does he work for OFSTED? If so, he can keep his lessons to himself.
  15. Who would you suggest for funny jokes?

  16. Mainwaring

    Mainwaring Lead commenter

    Brigadier Dude is correct. I was already old when this young Colonel Oldgit was still a beardless boy, and deeply died in gittery while yet he sucked upon his mother's pap.
    Now then, young BT. British Telecom? Surely not. A BLT without the lettuce? Unlikely, as you are clearly enjoying your salad days and still green in judgement: Having felt the bite of many a serpents' tooth I should have known better than offer what you call 'shabby advice' and I prefer refer to as a friendly sharing of experience. With regard to your comments on the recruitment thread I consulted Mrs M, a redoubtable deflater of headmasterly pretensions, including mine. She reminded me of the following examples:
    a) We had both been interviewed by Field Marshal Deelman (more ancient even than I) for speculative posts and as a result been appointed to good jobs, a year later, on the strength of it. Cast thy bread upon the waters and it shall return to thee after many days. (When it comes to advice I prefer Ecclesiastes to Jeremiah any day of the week).
    b) There were several occasions during my own twenty years of dudery when a telephone call to a headhunter (Do you happen to have on your books A bilingual Physics specialist who also does needlework?) has resulted in a long, happy and productive marriage between school and appointee.
    c) When some folk invite 'advice' they really mean 'Reassure me that the decision I made was the right one.'
    I find this a fabulous suggestion in every sense of the word and one which deserves the most serious creative consideration. Today will be fully occupied with the second round of tribal junketings attendant on the emigration of our son, daughter-in-law and two of our grandchildren to her native Minnesota (Let that be a warning to those who are bringing up their sprogs to be 'international') but tomorrow I shall be in fully dramaturgical mood. I feel a further Walmington episode coming on.
  17. SMT dude

    SMT dude New commenter

    A spelling error from this particular source needs to be pounced upon with zealous glee, and I do so on behalf of all the toiling staffroom illiterates who have had their buttocks belaboured by Captain M. over the years.
    Although... so exquisitely Freudian is this one, that I wonder if it was introduced deliberately, in which case the joke is on me.
    May you never 'deeply die' sir, but live a thousand years!
    Oh dear, yes. The thought of my infanta taking up with an American or Australian and flying away to Chattanooga or Cunnamulla, is already too much to bear. Mrs D reassures me that all the attractive young men from both those countries are homosexual, but just for once statistics and common sense do not support her opinion.
    Mrs M, on the other hand, is spot-on, and the point of this post (at last) is to remind BT that (a) and (b) above are ideas to take seriously. No opportunity to set out your stall and display your talents should be passed up, BT, and those who want to help you do this, deserve better than your 'shabby' treatment.
  18. You make it sound like the worst of crimes... "Mainwaring, I was willing to overlook the mopery and dopery, and even the 3 homicides, but damnit man, headship! How can I just turn a blind eye to that!"
    Are all heads to be equally condemned?

  19. Off with their heads
  20. [​IMG]
    Just for you, Robby! The last one is mister maker.
    There are one or two up there that I could have worked for....

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