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Christmas blues...

Discussion in 'Personal' started by lurk_much, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    don't you have a teacher voice?
    I am teasing.

    If I was you I would head north on my own.

  2. bnm


    The key thing it seems to me is that your husband gets to spend Chrsitams day with the people he wants to and you don't.
    You need a more equitable arragement.
    We have tended to do his family Christmas Eve, my family Boxing day and spend Christmas day by ourselves doing just what we want.
    Perhaps it's time for a radical change? A bit late for this year, but how about the 2 of you going abroad for Christmas next year, or to a cottage in a different part of the country?
    What you need to do is have an honest conversation with your husband about how the experience of Christmas day with his family feels for you.
  3. bnm


    Not Chrsitams.
    C h r i s t m a s
  4. What a rude cow.
    The thought of having to visit that would depress anyone. No-one has the right to put you down like that and if you don't want to go then please don't feel guilty.
    How could your husband miss what's going on?
  5. This situation sucks. Why should you have EVERY christmas at his families? Even if you simply loved being with his family it wouldn't be at all fair. Try speaking to hubbie again and agreeing on spending this Christmas, and every other Christmas with his family if next year, and every other year, you get to spend it with your family. OR you spend it together without any of the families. OR he goes alone and you do your own thing. (...did you say the obey thing in the marriage vows? Hope not otherwise he could have you on that!)
  6. <u> WHY</u> do you have christmas with your husband's family each year?
    Seriously I don't understand why you are in this situation. You say your husband "isn't keen" but you clearly aren't keen on having his grotesque family shoved down your throat every December 25th.
    I think he is incredibly selfish but he will only continue to be so whilst you give in to his wishes every year. I do think you need to make a stand (admittedly it's a bit late this year although I would be tempted to have "gastric flu" on the 24th thus rendering me too ill to move on the 25th) and sort out a compromise for the future.
    I think you need to develop a coping strategy for the time you have to spend with them all this year - not sure what to suggest other than a good book, ipod and lots of alcohol. Yes you will be regarded as an anti-social so and so but it might work.

    Good luck

    JRT xx

  7. To spend time away from his family that is.
  8. Having witnessed the tyranny that some parents exert on their adult children at Christmas, I always vowed that I would never do the same to my sons thus I sometimes have all, some or none of them and that is fine by me. They come, they come, they don't, they don't.
    I cannot understand why your husband feels the need to go every year even though he must know how much you dislike it. It sounds like a habit that nobody knows how to break.
    It is time you started your own christmas traditions. I don't think you can do anything about it this year but really need to discuss it with your husband in plenty of time for next and try to work out an acceptable compromise. If you leave it much longer it will be very dfificult to make changes and this will only fuel your resentment.
    I do hope that you can sort this out and manage to survive this Christmas! Smuggle booze in your bag and take long solitary walks!
    Good luck.

  9. NellyFUF

    NellyFUF Lead commenter

    this isn't the true spirit of Christmas!
    Either give in and arrive at in laws with a big pressie of wine - and brandy - and sherry - and alcopops - and gin
    and grin and bear it. They will die eventually. Is there much to inherit?
    Then set aside New Year as your private time of celebration together and make it your way of doing Christmas.
    Or risk the balance of power and next year, do something different thus giving you something to look forward to.
    I have this vision of you in twenty years time, feeding them all liquidised Christmas dinner - hubbie included..........
  10. When I was with first husband, I refused to go anywhere. We would pop to my mums and his mums on christmas morning and then we would go home and I would cook. This was primarily because husband worked Boxing Day.
    Husband number two and I always had xmas day on our own and did the full family thing with the kids on boxing day. I never said to husband no1 I wnat the kids this year as it's my turn as that would have been unfair as he works on boxing day. so we just moved it all.

    I was forced to go to ex's mum's for xmas lunch one year and I hated it and vowed never to do it again.
    I have spent the last two years alone at xmas (because of bereavement) by choice and even though my mum tried to persuade me to go there I refused and was quite happy alone.

    This year after feeling that I would never enjoy xmas again I actually am. Mr c puts no pressure on me to visit his parents, in fact I asked if we could and that will be couple of days after xmas. We will also be visiting my parents sometime between christmas and new year. perfect we get to do what we want on xmas day.

    Sorry for the waffle but I am just trying to say that precedents are set but they can also be broken and changed.
    Your OH really should consider your feelings and you should be able to spend the day doing what you want after all you are grown ups and not kids. I did what my parents decided when i was a child as i am sure you did, however, you should now be able to decide for yourelves.

    Smuggle some drink in this year and tackle the issue for next year soon, maybe even sew the seed on the drive home.
  11. hazeymazey

    hazeymazey New commenter

    Hi elisa....saw this a day or two ago and did want to post then...stuff got in the way. i've no real advice really except to second what someone else said about impressing upon your husband that you'd like to establish a few of your own traditions? It's nice to have little things to do each Christmas that you kind of rely on and go back to. I tended to have quite insular -Christmasses when I was married, with us often spending the day as a couple. I do things very differently now with new o/h and it's so lovely being part of something different. Sometimes we do go to one family or the other, and occasionally we go to friends so we try to keep things a bit flexible. Your in laws sound like hard work so maybe your husband should be thinking about that a bit too. I wish you a happy festive season anyway - please pm me if you want to - it'd be good to catch up.

    hazey x
  12. elisa1

    elisa1 New commenter

    Ohhh Hazey!!! Great to hear from you friend!! I will PM you!!!
    My in laws are hard work soooo old fashioned I am desperate to start our own traditions but hubby is reluctant at the minute!!
    How are you girl am so pleased things are going so well for you!! I will PM you xxxxxxx
  13. What worries me about this situation is the nature of your relationship with your hubby. You love him loads yet he isn&rsquo;t willing to compromise about this.
    I may be wrong but I feel that you could do with some assertiveness training. I wonder how damaged your self esteem is following the break up of your first marriage.

    Marital counselling may help your new husband understand the importance of compromise in a loving relationship. If you are giving a clear message about this and he isn't listening then something is wrong here.
    Sorry if I am wrong and I&rsquo;ve jumped to the wrong conclusions.

  14. guinnesspuss

    guinnesspuss Star commenter

    I started my own tradition 22 years ago! Unfortunately I'd really like to change it now, but haven't the heart to.
    When little GP was born we said it would be easier if everyone came to us so that he didn't have to be travelling all over on Christmas day. Now they just assume...
    I've been rather selfishly hoping the snow will fall really heavily on Christmas eve, then feeling guilty as this is the first year without father in law. I spend the day on pins as my mum and his are as different as chalk and cheese.
  15. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    That's the problem with "tradition" they get rather stuck and it is difficult to break from them without hurting everyone involved.
    I don't wish to pry so these questions are for you to think about rather than try and answer on here.
    1. How well do you communicate with your husband? If you ask him to do something (no matter how big or small) is he likely to do it?
    2. Has he said anything about the atmosphere at his parents on Christmas day? Does he know how unhappy you are with the current arrangement?
    3. You say that you "love him loads" (I think you said that I can't go and check), does he "love you loads" too? And if you think so, how do you know? Also, how would he feel if he didn't know you were this unhappy about visiting and you hadn't told him?

    I'm sorry if these questions seem very personal and prying, I don't want to know the answers but I think you should try and answer them for yourself because from what you've said this marraige seems very one sided, where is the give and take?


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