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Choosing not to have kids

Discussion in 'Personal' started by passionateteacher, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. Hi.

    I'm in my early 30s, happily married, healthy, a good teacher, loving aunt and my husband and I have chosen to not have children.

    I am amazed by the reactions I receive when I tell people this!

    I also struggle finding friends who are child free by choice. I have friends with kids, friends trying for kids, friends who want kids. I don't want to meet people to party with- my idea of a good time includes museums, travel, theatre, and cinema.

    Anyone else out there in this situation?
     
  2. Hi.

    I'm in my early 30s, happily married, healthy, a good teacher, loving aunt and my husband and I have chosen to not have children.

    I am amazed by the reactions I receive when I tell people this!

    I also struggle finding friends who are child free by choice. I have friends with kids, friends trying for kids, friends who want kids. I don't want to meet people to party with- my idea of a good time includes museums, travel, theatre, and cinema.

    Anyone else out there in this situation?
     
  3. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Yes, me! Also very happily married and happily child free. I knew from a very early age that I would never want children.
    No idea why, but I'm quite content with the situation and as I'm 46 (nearer 47 than 46 now!) I'm mercifully free from the eternal questions from friends and family.
     
  4. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    I'm not quite in your situation: I am 30 and would like to have children very much but don't have a partner at the moment so obviously I can't really think too hard about it just now!
    However, I do understand how frustrating it must be - let me guess, you'll change your mind [​IMG]
    There is a forum which springs to mind, I'm not sure how I found it to be honest with you but I'll see if I can find the address. There's childfree bratfree but that is a scary place to be (although quite funny!)
     
  5. catmother

    catmother Lead commenter

    Same here. I must say that I've never felt as if I had to justify myself. Maybe I've been lucky?
     
  6. catmother

    catmother Lead commenter

    just noticed the controversial bit!
    Step away from it!
     
  7. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    Oh my goodness, I've had complete strangers recoil in horror that I've had the nerve to actually choose not to procreate! This is in response to the very direct 'why don't you have children?' question. Very rude IMO.
    If I get asked that question now, I just tell them that my husband had cancer and aggressive chemo just a year after we got married (true) and that usually shuts them up.
     
  8. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    In my experience people get used to it. I am 38 now and have been married 5 years. People have stopped asking.
    We still go out with friends who have kids. I also have quite a few friends who are older than me and whose familes have grown up and gone.
     
  9. littlemissraw

    littlemissraw Occasional commenter

    I don't have any great longings for children at all but I'm only in my late 20's so I may change my mind. My friend is fostering at the moment and if I could I'd adopt the little boy shes looking after but just because it feel mean that he's got nobody.x
     
  10. MarilynDan

    MarilynDan New commenter

    My only child has decided not to have kids. I'm OK with it now. She doesn't keep getting asked about kids/no kids and has lots of child free friends.
    Whilst not wanting kids and being asked about it "all the time" might be annoying, just imagine what it must be like if you're continually asked but CAN'T have children. That's much worse IMHO.
    We had two children and lost one and couldn't have more. We are still asked if we only have one child. It happens and is the way of the world :)
     
  11. Middlemarch

    Middlemarch Star commenter

    Me too. I never, ever felt even remotely maternal. I once tried to make a 'reasons for and against list' (largely because my then husband wanted a child), but all I could ever put on the 'for' list was that it would have made him happy. Conversely, I had to put on the against list that it would have made me miserable. Before anyone says 'Why didn't you discuss it before you married?', I assumed I'd want to have kids at some point, because everyone else seemed to want to. It just didn't happen.
    I'm now 53 and well into the menopause, so it's entirely out of the question.
    No regrets at all. The thought still makes me recoil in horror.
    PS In case people are wondering, my ex now has a child and is happy.
     
  12. I know two couples, in my circle of friends who are in their 50s now and neither wanted children. They have travelled the world and have much more disposable income than I have!
    My two sisters are childless, through choice and there has been many a time when I have envied their lifestyles and freedom.
    I couldn't imagine my life without my three now, but often the happy family dream is just that. My life changed drastically when I became a mother - from minute one, after horrendous birth complications! Kids are hard work from the day they are born (even harder if you find yourself a single parent too!) and as they age they bring new sets of problems with them. I do feel sorry for those unable to have children but many, many of the most troubled times of my life have involved the children and one problem or another. Because you love them so much the pain is magnified in a way. Even now they are in their twenties there are worries....
    I sometimes wonder why I did it when I see the sort of (mostly) carefree lives my sisters have.

     
  13. I was in the 'choosing not to have kids' demographic until I panicked at the thought I was making the wrong decision and had one (a child) in the end. :)
    On the whole I think I laugh more than I used to, but there are thousands of other things that have changed forever, and probably not for the good - for exmple, my fears for her wellbeing and future multiply and mutate every day. I have trerible intrusive thoughts about all the awful things that can happen.

    I would say my piece of mind has been affected, on the whole.
    Ah well... you makes your choices (if you're fortunate) and you get on with things.


     
  14. Oh, meant to say - I do get raised eyebrows and 'WHY's when I state that I'm never having another one.
     
  15. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    I am 27 and would not want to be an 'old' mum. 32 would be my cut off point for my first one if I ever had children. I used to think I would have my first at 28 and be done by 30, but as I get older I still feel no urge to actually have one.
    I feel like I should have children, and that it would be a great shame if I didn't have any. Having said that I would never have one unless I felt right about it and so far I have never felt like that. I am about to become single again and am in no rush to meet anyone.
    I am happy not to have them I think, all of my friends are the same age as me and none of us have children. One of my friends is getting married in the next couple of years and they have both agreed that they do not want children.
    I have always said I couldn't get rid of one if it happened, but equally I have also been as careful as possible about staying on the pill! I think that I am ultimately too selfish for a child, and unless I was 100% sure I would never actively seek to have one.
    The closest I think I would come is adoption. Two of my cousins in their mid twenties have given birth a year apart and I did not feel the slightest maternal twinge in seeing them pregnant or meeting their newborns.
     
  16. Dogcat, that sounds like a very level-headed and sensible approach.
    In my twenties I really didn't want children at all. Even when I married I was indifferent to the idea of becoming a mother...and THEN...I got broody and started gazing into Mothercare windows!!!
    It was wierd At 28, I had this strong, strong urge to have a baby...to give birth, use my womb. [​IMG]
     
  17. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I was adamant I didn't want children. Then I was 32 and it all changed almost overnight.
    However, I am subfertile - it's incredibly difficult when people ask me why I don't have children. Especially the pregnant girls at school!
    I do have a friend who is childless, but I don't feel I can ask her if it's by choice. It's such a sensitive subject!

    I've lost the track of my point.
     
  18. Interesting responses from everyone, thanks!

    Am jealous (well, that's a tad strong, but you know what I mean) of those in you in my position, or similar, that have like minded child free friends. Lucky you!

    We did go to an adoption information session last year as I was curious. But in had two reactions- one, we were the youngest couple by far so we must have time ahead of us to do this and two, a realisation that I don't want children.
     
  19. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    Sorry to selectively quote but I am genuinely wondering about this - would you really think anything above 32 is old to have children?
    I am almost 31 and won't be trying any time soon, if indeed I ever do (I need to meet a partner first!)
    My mum was 35 when she had me and I don't think she was especially old x
     
  20. catmother

    catmother Lead commenter

    Yes.
    Some of you might remember that when I got married to my second husband,he had two children living with him,which made me a stepmother! Why I thought I could handle this is still a mystery today (lust,mostly!). The ten or so years that followed were the most miserable years of my life. How,it did not end up in a second divorce is a miracle.
     

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