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Children at uni - life for me now?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Ezzie, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. Ezzie

    Ezzie Occasional commenter

    Could do with some advice, please. My youngest goes to uni next month; can't believe how time has flown but anyway..... their dad (who was not the hands on type so I've been Mum and Dad) and I split 18 months ago. I have since met a lovely man who strangely seems to think the same about me! The problem is, he's from Ireland and wants to move back there and for me to go with him. I want to be with him but feel like I would be abandoning my children. I've kind of planted the seed of it with them and the reaction was that they want me to be happy but aren't keen on the distance. I'm totally torn; I know they're off on the next exciting part of their life and it's 'my turn' now but I'm worried I won't be there for them as I have in the past and that I won't see so much of them. This will also be an opportunity for me to take a break from teaching as things at work have not been going well, either. Sorry for the self-indulgent rant but what would you do? Thanks xx
  2. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    It's a tricky one and I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do, but you all need to talk it through. Graduates have a habit of coming back home! Again and again... I presume your ex will have room for them?
  3. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Follow your heart, offer to subsidise the offspring's extra travel costs, and remind them that if they choose to fly there'll be a weight limit on how much dirty washing they can bring home.

    You'll never stop being their parent, but you've given them the required kick start into adulthood and now it's time to become reacquainted with your own life again. They'll adapt.
  4. frangipani123

    frangipani123 Lead commenter

    Can he stay here for longer before moving back to Ireland? University has so many holidays and your children may feel cast adrift. It's not long since you and their father split up which must have been a major adjustment for them too. On the other hand, you have your life too and as magic surf bus says, you should follow your heart.
  5. Ezzie

    Ezzie Occasional commenter

    Thank you all for your prompt and sympathetic replies. There is a bit of urgency as I live in the family home which we agreed to sell when our son is at university. So I have to make a decision: look for a new home near here (happy kids, possible end of relationship for me), or look for a home in Ireland for all of us. Heart says Ireland, so more talking is obviously needed.
  6. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    You could rent here to give the kids a base for a year while keeping your relationship going over the distance for that period.
  7. How about New Guy relocating to England?
  8. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    Ireland is not that far. There are plenty of Irish students in the UK and they all manage to travel between Ireland and England. After all, they are all big boys and girls.
  9. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

  10. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Go for it..... your children will be fine at Uni and probably won't give you all that much thought (unless running out of £££s)

    Ireland is lovely - coupled with new man, no need to teach, and a new life which you can share with the kids when they wish to make fleeting visits......

    It's a no contest...... go for it ! We pass this way but once.
  11. DogsareNOTstupid

    DogsareNOTstupid New commenter

    I would understand your kids being upset if your were selling up the family home in order to leave the country with a new man, and literally turfing them out of their bedrooms, but since you have to sell anyway, I think it's up to you to decide where your new home should be.

    Your kids are embarking on the next stage of their life, and who knows where job opportunities will take them when they qualify? Do you think they would turn down an amazing job offer as they want to stay close to home? What if one of them meets a partner from another country and wants to relocate?

    I would, as another poster suggested, offer to subsidise their travel fees so that they can come and see you in Ireland. It's not that far from the UK. We only get one shot at life, and I don't think you should sacrifice your happiness for your kids, when they have their whole lives ahead of them.

    Good luck whatever you decide :)
  12. Ezzie

    Ezzie Occasional commenter

    Thank you so much for all the help and advice, so kind of you xx
  13. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    I am feeling sympathy with your children. One of mine was very happy to lose touch with his school friends and used to take holiday jobs near uni and not always come home much but the other loved seeing old friends during university holidays and has maintained important friendships into his 30s. It will be harder for them to see old friends if their base is in Ireland. Is that the plan, or will they stay in England? You say the offspring reacted by saying they want you to be happy which is great but aren't keen on the distance. That doesn't sound like a strong reaction, are you underestimating their feelings, or have they minimised it out of consideration to you. Talk it over with them properly and try and sort out if they are being honest with you before you make the decision. They will adapt as someone else said but you might find you see them less if they want to keep England as their base.
  14. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    How d'you know your kids will be happy in the new (English) house? You don't. They might hate it.

    Go and live with man in Ireland but don't commit money to it at this point. Don't buy a house with him just yet. Give it a go but keep your options open.

    If the kids need you then they can find you!
  15. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    I'm with GDW here... just because I'm cautious and have a friend who met a lovely man (also from Ireland) after she had not long split from her husband, and who was encouraged to sell up and move to Ireland to live with him over there. She did, and he basically took her for pretty much everything she had. She came back with practically nothing and had to start again.

    Not that I am painting all people from Ireland with the same brush - far from it. But just be sure that your own interests are well protected and that whatever you may want to keep aside to pass on to your children is carefully set aside. Give yourself an escape route if you need one.
  16. What's your Alternative Strategy? I don't want to go all Worst-Case here, but you have sunk your future and your house cash in Ireland, and the relationship fails (not doing stats here, but since no reply to my question as to why New Guy can't move to England...), what remains for you and your children?
  17. felltogroundinberkeleysquare

    felltogroundinberkeleysquare Established commenter

    In all honesty it seems a little early to abandon the kids, who will no doubt graduate ( despite not knowing where they live in the hols) , but there is then a pregnant pause whilst they find jobs and settle relationships which can take a few years, especially in the present economic climate. Finishing or starting Uni is not the time to cause upheaval unless the parameters and safety nets are clearly subscribed, and I would certainly not rush out of the country whilst all that was still going on. A new man and a "new" life come after the present one you have concocted for yourself, and you should see it through until you are sure.
  18. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Yep, always have a plan B, an escape route, call it what you will and protect your children.

    My sister was widowed young and now lives abroad with her partner. She sold her house to sink money into this foreign property. Funnily enough, he didn't... They aren't married, they have debts, and if he dies or they split up, she has nothing to come home to. Except my spare room.
  19. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    Time is passing...... the kids are off to university! Ireland is NOT the other end of the world (how many of our kids have sprinted off abroad for varying lengths or even permanencies of time without hardly a backward glance?)

    There are 2 issues here..... I am not at all suggesting that our OP should sell her house, gather all her assets together and fling them into a comparative stranger's lap. Of course she should be financially careful and make sure her finances are secure. The other issue is a chance of a new life with a new and presumably vetted, approved new partner. From the 40s onwards...and later... three or four years is quite a long time..... so not time to waste.

    Go for it! (Can you all guess that my first bf and love was a wonderful Irish lad from Wexford who I loved the bones of? ) If the kids wish to visit friends in the old home town then I am sure there would be spare rooms/floors for them there ! As long as the new man is willing to welcome them on visits to their mum ..... I just say go for it and I wish you all happiness !
  20. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    You have a choice of asking the new man to wait....if he cant then to be honest you have lost nothing....he really doesn't love you.If he did he puts you and yours first.

    I second not committing money other hand for rent.i have had a few friends who have been sucked dry by 'lover' till they run out of cash and are the abandoned. Love is great but it does require a lot of give and take...not just take by the other person. Im all for waiting if unsure.....and why the rush to go home when happiness is with hi partner..isnt it?

    Will your kids survive..of course...but as a mother you both wish them to be happy but also to develop their life. You need to take through this with them as adults..and explain.You might find they want you to have the happiness as well.

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