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Children, advice sought.

Discussion in 'Personal' started by slippeddisc, Apr 14, 2012.

  1. slippeddisc

    slippeddisc New commenter

    People manage on far less money than that.
    I would be more concerned about your recent split. Make sure that you are really settled and happy together before bringing children into the situation.
     
  2. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    I don't have children so feel free to disregard my opinion, but given the discontent you've been feeling regarding your relationship and you and your partner's different values, I think having a child is the last thing you should be thinking about doing. If you're going to stay in the relationship it sounds as though it needs a lot more work and reflection before you consider a family.
     
  3. Crowbob

    Crowbob Senior commenter

    Given your recent history with your partner and only a month ago you were saying you didn't see a future with him, I don't think it is the smartest thing to be thinking about.
    Would that not involve you moving again?
    Is this still due to the same issue as before?
     
  4. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Thanks, the split was my decision he never wanted to it to end. I am happy now that I have stopped worrying about things as much and just accepted some things I couldn't before.
    I do think we need to live together first, I lived with him for 10 months when I relocated but that was in his parent's massive house so not the same as two of his in mym two bed cottage!
     
  5. Ok - here goes!!
    There's never a right time
    There's nothing you can do to prepare you for the way you'll feel about it
    Your life will never be the same
    But apart from that it's great!!

    Seriously though it is sensible to consider finances, childcare etc, so well done for doing that. You are also wise to wait a little longer as your relationship has been through a rocky patch. I wish I could tell you that I managed really well, I didn't I struggled for years financially, but I wouldn't change it for the world - My kids are brilliant and I am in constant awe of how someone as disorganised and hopeless as me could have produced 4 fantastic and loving human beings!! if I can do it......
     
  6. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    Does that mean you've accepted that he isn't going to put his energies into forging a proper career and a decent income? You're prepared to bankroll the accommodation and the bills for the foreseeable future?
    If he's never going to earn much, you'll almost certainly end up having to return to work full time after maternity leave. A lot of women find that hard. Are you sure you won't end up resenting his lack of ambition and very limited financial contribution?
     
  7. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    His mum only lives 6 miles away so I would not have to move. Like I said this is not something I am planning to do tomorrow, would not even come off the pill for a long while yet.
    You are correct in saying things need sorting between us first and we have had conversations about that. His money does come from his semi-pro rugby and working in the family cafe yes, I have accepted that this is not going to change any time soon and to be honest I have stopped worrying about it, it is his life not mine and if that is where he chooses to stay that is up to him. It does allow for flexibility in a number of ways, which would actually be a blessing with regard to having a family.
    If we were both in well paid careers with ambition I don't think that would work for me, someone has to be in a more flexible position I think when children are considered.
    I am not saying our relationship is perfect or that we will be together forever, he has talked about marriage and things but like I have said he sees the world in a far more positive way than I do. I don't think you have to belive that you are in a fantastic wonderful relationship to consider children, I think you have to be more realistic and appreciate your relationship if it is good and work to keep it that way.
    Lots of people have children in the believe they will stay with their partner forever, and they get a massive shock when it all goes wrong. All I know is that we get on really well and that he would make a fantastic dad for a number of reasons and his family up here are very supportive.
     
  8. You don't seem to want to hear people's concerns. Do you really believe you will stay together? Things already seem rocky, from what you have said on here, not from what people are surmising. I could never be with someone who didn't want to work hard, but there are advantages in having that attitude. Rugby doesn't last for long though. What happens when this dries up - will you be happy working when he is presumably a house husband?
     
  9. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    Thanks for the concern sooty, I have considered all the things you have spoken about. I would not be bankrolling the bills and the accommodation. I would pay the mortgage and insurances as it is my house, and I would never put someone on that mortgage (if things worked out long term I would rent mine and get a house together). He would pay the gas, electric, water and sky TV (if he wanted it) council tax,would be split and so would food. Whilst I was on materity leave it would be a straight split on everything for those few months, or we would pool our savings together.
    It is doubtful that he will ever earn the same as me, but he brings other things to the relationship like a very supportive family that mean very little childcare costs and a calm and positive nature which balances me out a fair bit! I have realised there is more to a relationship than money, and having been bought up with a single parent mother who taught me to stand alone this has been a very big lesson for me. I have spent my entire life so far doing everything myself and striving to earn money to be independent. It has paid off, but now I want more than that. Hope that makes sense!
     
  10. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    He works full time, the rugby is semi pro so he gets paid about £350 a month for it but only involves training and the games. He has coaching qualifications and is looking to do that after his career is finished. He would not be a house husband, I have always said I want to work it is one of the reasons I would not have children with someone ambitious like myself as I don't think that is fair on the children someone has to be able to leave work to get them etc if needs be and I would be happy for a man to take that role on. I don't believe that because I am female I should have to be a house wife, or be the one to take a side step in their career.
    I have issues with the idea of staying together long term with anyone, I always will have. He believes we will stay together and that is a start, I could be with someone 10yrs and always think it might not last. But that is to do with me and not this particular relationship.
    I have been brought up to belive that I have to manage by myself, like I have already said my mum has always told me if I have children I need to be able to do it by myself. If you spend almost 30yrs seeing and hearing that things don't last it has an effect, I do think we have the potential to be together for a very long time I just believe that can't be taken as a given thing.
     
  11. dogcat

    dogcat New commenter

    If anyone has any advice not related to their opinion on my relationship I would appreciate it. I understand the concerns and issues raised by people given my previous postings on here, but I would like to know how people managed when they had their first child.
    Thanks seagirl for you response :)
     
  12. becky70

    becky70 New commenter

    I don't have children either, although I wanted to. In your situation I'd consider children as a possibility for the future but for now would want to concentrate on rebuilding my relationship with my partner.
    A concerning aspect for me is what your OH is going to contribute to bringing up your possible child. He brings in £1300 a year so he's not really helping financially. You've spoken about his mum doing the childcare. It sounds like she'll care for baby and you'll bring in the dosh. Surely you're going to feel a bit resentful?
    I really would advise spending a long time sorting out your relationship. People who've had children will tell you the strain it puts on your relationship - whatever you do, don't have a baby to bring you closer together.
    Perhaps having a baby is something to give serious thought to in a year's time when hopefully your relationship is re-established.
    Good luck - hope things get better with you and your partner.
     
  13. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    I think that's what the OP started with!
     

  14. You are allowing your broodiness to overcome common sense. You are in a relationship that, a few months ago, you were unhappy about. After a five month split you still don't see yourself staying with this chap. His earning potential ( or lack of it) will irk you in the years to come. You say he will pay half the bills......with what?
    You seem to be convinced that his mother will take on the largest share of childcare. Well, she must be a saint because I wouldn't do that for my children, much as I love them. Have you asked her?
    To be honest, I don't think you are ready to have children. You are still young and can afford to wait another few years until you both have matured a little more.
     
  15. becky70

    becky70 New commenter

    Sorry, dogcat, crossed posts with you. Obviously can't give you advice about managing after first child but hope you get some good advice soon.
    This may be a good topic to post on Pregancy/Baby and Toddler - loads of people on there getting to grips with early motherhood. Very friendly and supportive posters too.
     
  16. Have you ever seen the Trueman Show?
    It just seems that you feel the need to live your life out via TES. Have you no dignity? Or shall we have the pleasure of voting on every aspect of your upcoming pregnancy?
     
  17. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    I wouldn't rely on your partner's mother committing to f/t childcare long term either. In practice she'd find herself tied down, unable to have a social life, and eventually getting on in years and possibly having to keep up with the demands of more than one child at a time in her life when she's done her own child rearing.If you're going to make this decision (and it sounds as though you've made your mind up anyway) at least take personal responsibility and factor childcare costs in.
     
  18. becky70

    becky70 New commenter

    Sorry, Lil, I meant only think about it in a year's time, not necessarily do it that soon! Hope you're OK anyway.
     
  19. Surely the state of your relationship is key here.
    I don't think it's unfair of people to raise their concerns given some of your previous postings.
     
  20. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    What about your cat?
     

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