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Brother- is he worth it?

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by sciencequeen00, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. sciencequeen00

    sciencequeen00 New commenter

    I'm have a younger brother who is really causing me some distress at the moment. My husband and I always make the effort to be polite to him and wife at family events and when we see them. I find that as long as you talk to,them about what they want and listen to all their news you are fine....... However how long do you let this go on for!? My brother rarely asks us about our lives, he has no interest- feels very one sided.

    He treats my parents poorly to, they have noticed this as have spoken to me about it. When my Dad was 60 we organised him a party, my husband and I made sure we gave my Mum lots of help and made the occasion as special as we could. On the day of the 60th my brother didn't turn up early to help, there was lots to do as it was a garden party...... My husband and I were helping all week. I felt bad for my parents as he rolled up with all the other guests......

    On my Mums 60th he didn't even get her a present. Mum being Mum said not to, however I think she was very shocked when he didn't get her anything, I only found this out last week but felt so sorry for my poor mum.


    Him and his wife are both complainer, my brother has moved jobs 6 times in last 2 years as doesn't get on with staff, wife isn't much better and the moves are never their fault.

    Could go on and on.... Sorry for so many typos!
     
  2. jonowen

    jonowen Occasional commenter

    Sciencequeen, you could be describing the dynamics of our family too! My husband's younger brother is a lovely guy but sadly he is married to a narcisst (sp?). This woman has ruined any brotherly relationship the 2 brothers could have as adults. We were all very close as Mr Jo and I were 18 when we met, wee brother was only 8 and as Mum (in-law) was busy (with an other sibling who is severly disabled) and keeping house etc.... we played lots of football, badminton on the grass and other similar games. When we married and moved away, wee brother started secondary school and I used to write to him, keeping him up-to-date with what we were doing and vice versa.

    When he was 16 he had his first girlfriend and brought her to visit us for a weekend in the summer. She was a lovely girl and wanted to do girlie things like coffee and cake, shopping and such like meaning that the 2 brothers could have a proper catch up or go to a football match.

    Then BANG! (future) wife comes on the scene and (she told me this the second time we met) she managed to split up wee brother+lovely GF because "what I want I make sure I get". This was 23 years ago and the whole situation has gradually deteriorated. Her own family don't speak to her at all, WB has to do most of the food shopping, do the washing and hang it out/take it in AND hold down a responsible full-time job. When she is on holiday, she feigns tiredness and WB has to run after her with regular meals and drinks while she lies in bed "catching up with her soaps". Her children do the housework in return for her paying for their phones. She treated Mum like absolute dirt, I could go on for ever but one example sums it up best: Mum sadly died 2 years ago, she had been ill with lung disease and generally very tired after caring for my disabled brother in-law. She had a few spells in and out of hospital and Christmas 2013 ,Mr.Jo + I collected her from hospital as we knew it was her last and she wanted to be with her family. Mum came home on the Friday and we arranged a Christmas-style dinner for the Saturday. Lo and behold WB , wife and kids arrived at lunch time on Saturday (why couldn't they have asked when we were having lunch and not disturbed Mum at a meal-time?) Anyway, they dumped the kids on us and with "we're going into town to do last minute shopping - you can spend time with your nephews - we'll be back for our dinner"!!! I was furious (at this stage Mr. Jo still felt his brother is his brother and needs some moral support, silly man!) I had looked forward to spending a quiet afternoon chatting to Mum, making a cup of tea for her whenever and having our own girlie afternoon. Mum (ever the peace maker) said she was tired and was happy to sleep in the afternoon and gave her grandchildren some money and said "your Aunty will take you out for a walk in the sunshine and you can buy something to read from the paper shop". I did as she asked but the poor kids didn't want to go for a walk,they wanted to watch TV but they knew Granny was ill so did as she said.

    We planned to eat at 5pm (Mum's usual dinner time) and had told WB+wife this - guess what time they returned? 7.15pm - they had gone to see a film, done their shopping and had a bite to eat. I will stop now as I'm getting wound up about it still,but nothing was said, nothing ever is, so they continue with this unacceptable behaviour. One good thing is that my husband sees the pair of them for what they are. Brother is not coping as well as his kids are soon to leave home and while he will miss them, she is looking forward to it as she will be able to have him all to herself. It's the lies she tells as well (boasting about what she does eg. doing a 10 mile sponsored walk in 2 hours, c'mon!) but at least we don't need to live with her, and only tolerate her for the sake of WB.

    Sorry this has been so long SQ, please share some more if it helps, hugs of compassion and sympathy!

    Joni x
     
  3. jonowen

    jonowen Occasional commenter

    PS
    Our brother+wife rarely ask about our lives, wife and I both work with children (she is a nursery assisstant, I'm a teacher - I have never been the big I AM as I'm not like that to anybody) but I have yet to have a discussion with her about child-care.; the nearest I got was when she was told off by her boss for kissing a child and she made a big deal of being told off, we can never compare notes about learning in our different age groups. I did offer once to help her out with some Christmas music (this was late October) and I was scorned and told "it's far too early, they will never remember the words" I didn't mean for her to teach the wee ones, just to familiarise them (and herself) with some music.

    In the grerat scheme of things SQ, they are the ones who miss out and by being bitter and wishing things were different only gets ourselves stressed and sad (but revenge would be wonderful!) Knowing that you and your husband are caring, loving towards your Mum and other relations will please your Mum and that's the best thing to come out of this sad situation.
     

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