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Bleurgh.... I'm becoming one of those women like in films who 'really wants a baby' :(

Discussion in 'Personal' started by disguise, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. Good evening tessers.

    Some people may be able to relate to this (I hope). I just feel I no longer have ANYTHING in common with my closest friends.

    They are now all married, all have kids. Don't get me wrong I love their kids and think it's wonderful they are so happy especially since some of them struggled to get there for various reasons. But I am single, not married, and childless.

    I have felt this way for a long time but being recently single and having just received an invite to one of the kids' 1st birthdays has not helped. The invite says parents and children to come together for a swim and party. I would feel completely like a lose part going with no child to take with me. Especially to swimming. So have bowed out graciously and said I will go and see them in the afternoon when they get home.

    The last of my 3 close friends had her baby the most recently and so up until then I guess I felt like I had an 'allie' but now most conversations are about babies and husbands and I can't contribute except to tell stories about when my sisters had kids.

    My Mum wants me settled down, I think she is worried I grow old alone and she will never see me settled.

    I'd love to settle down and have kids. Even though I tell people I am not sure about kids. I never thought I'd turn into one of those women pining after children but here I am.

    The sad part is I just can't see myself settling down. I was with my last bf for about a year and 3/4 and it went no where. the only other 'long' relationship I ever had was at 18 when I dated someone for 18 months. I just don't see myself 'with' someone ;long enough to settle down and would not want children on my own even though my sister has told me several times 'lots of people do it nowadays'.

    I don't really know what I want anyone to say to me. I just can't tell anyone I actually know (if you know what I mean) because I fear it will be so frowned upon.
     
  2. Good evening tessers.

    Some people may be able to relate to this (I hope). I just feel I no longer have ANYTHING in common with my closest friends.

    They are now all married, all have kids. Don't get me wrong I love their kids and think it's wonderful they are so happy especially since some of them struggled to get there for various reasons. But I am single, not married, and childless.

    I have felt this way for a long time but being recently single and having just received an invite to one of the kids' 1st birthdays has not helped. The invite says parents and children to come together for a swim and party. I would feel completely like a lose part going with no child to take with me. Especially to swimming. So have bowed out graciously and said I will go and see them in the afternoon when they get home.

    The last of my 3 close friends had her baby the most recently and so up until then I guess I felt like I had an 'allie' but now most conversations are about babies and husbands and I can't contribute except to tell stories about when my sisters had kids.

    My Mum wants me settled down, I think she is worried I grow old alone and she will never see me settled.

    I'd love to settle down and have kids. Even though I tell people I am not sure about kids. I never thought I'd turn into one of those women pining after children but here I am.

    The sad part is I just can't see myself settling down. I was with my last bf for about a year and 3/4 and it went no where. the only other 'long' relationship I ever had was at 18 when I dated someone for 18 months. I just don't see myself 'with' someone ;long enough to settle down and would not want children on my own even though my sister has told me several times 'lots of people do it nowadays'.

    I don't really know what I want anyone to say to me. I just can't tell anyone I actually know (if you know what I mean) because I fear it will be so frowned upon.
     
  3. Don't know if you know this, but there's a long running thread somewhere (Health and Wellbeing perhaps? Or maybe Pregnancy) with loads of other women in a similar position. I can't remember the name of it off the top of my head though.
     
  4. Thanks - that's a little reassuring. Assuming I track it down.
     
  5. Well, there are actually more than one... which is why I can't immediately remember the names of the threads. I suspect someone else could point you in a more specific direction, soon.
     
  6. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Have you considered a kitten?
     
  7. I have no idea if this is a sarcastic response or not, but assuming it is not: I already own a cat whom I love very much and everyone thinks I'm the crazy cat lady already because of how much I love her. I'd get her a friend, only she thinks she is human and hates other cats.
     
  8. Not very helpful, LM!

     
  9. Clearly it was meant as sarcastic. I can never tell tbh.
     
  10. Just before I got married I confided in my Mum that I didn't want children. She said I'd change my mind once I was married etc to which I replied 'Yeah right!'. Low and behold it hit me like a thunderbolt, completely overwhelmed and quite frankly scared me. Six months after getting married we officially started trying, unfortunately that was almost 3 years ago and we're still childless.
    I'm the only one in my group of friends from school who is childless, it's terribly sad. I'm past resenting others now as I've faced up to the fact that it might never happen and that I need to start living in the real world again instead of limbo.
    Apologies for rambling just wanted to let you know that there are others who feel the same, best of luck x
     
  11. paulie86

    paulie86 New commenter

    I am pleased you replied as feel I am in a similar position, but don't know if my reply will help in anyway! I am a gay bloke and people often say you'd make a lovely dad. To which I always reply I don't want children, but recently I have started to realise that really I would, but am firghtned about what people might think and if it would scare partners off!.
     
  12. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    There are LOADS of us!
    Hey - surely a massive part of having a partner is having similar goals and outlooks on life? Anyone put off by this aspect of you isn't worth knowing anyway. I wish you luck paulie, never worry about what people might think, I'm sure you have heard before that "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
    I'm not sure LM was being sarcastic? I know he has a love of animals so he probably was trying to help?
     
  13. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    Not sarcasm I have no children, I decided they were an indulgence. I prefer cats. I know a fair few older women that having seen the brood depart suggest that cats would have been better. Maybe they are being polite, maybe not.
     
  14. I feel just the same! I'm married and have been trying for a baby for years, with no luck. I also feel as though I am growing apart from friends with babies. I also feel as though I am growing apart from my own life - I want to settle down a bit, but have nothing to settle down for. Cats are very lovely, but not quite enough.
    Perhaps I should get a dog!
     
  15. Hi all thanks for your responses. I think perhaps I gave the wrong impression - my mates haven't made me feel bad or excluded me in any way and we are not the sorts of mates who go drinking every weekend. We're more the go out for dinner once a month and bbq in the summer types. But when I was single before they encouraged me to get on match.com. No doubt they'll be encouraging me again. My mum also encourages me... so much so that the morning after I broke up with my recent boyfriend she was asking if I'd get back on there! They are all very much interested in my life as much as I am them but they all have the one thing I feel is out of reach. Everyone says 'you need to get yourself a nice man' like it's as easy as clicking my fingers. Sigh.
     
  16. Doesn't help when watching TV of an evening 3 adverts in a row mention having a baby, trying for a baby or being pregnant. It's a conspiracy.
     
  17. Good long-term friends will love you no matter whether you have kids or not, whether you are married or not, whether you are divorced or not or even when you have a huge zit on the end of your nose.
    Often, friends are transient and only for a particular period in your life. That is normal.
    Sometimes, we change and our friends no longer suit us. It is not always the others at "fault".
    Sometimes our friends change - or their circumstances. Well, that is life too and they have not done it to annoy us.
    So we have to accept their new life - or we have to move on and find others who we think suit us better.
    Or we are patient and wait and are there.
    Because a true friend is there. Always.
    And I am so glad I have some!

     
  18. CQ I agree with you 100% on every word you have said. Sadly, none of this is the issue. My friends are not the issue. My friends are great. The issue is I want what they have and fear I will never get it. For many reasons.
     

  19. Look
    I know what you are going through, I remember a time when after years and years
    of not wanting children I was suddenly hit by the urge to have them. I was 35
    by the time I actually got pregnant. I then had to wait 5 years before I had my
    next son. I had lots of problems getting pregnant after years and years on the
    pill. I had a miscarriage between the two pregnancies. My point is I loved
    having my babies but they were such hard work. I am now in my fifties and
    sometimes wonder what all the fuss was about, the boys grow up and live their
    own lives and I must have a life for me. It’s a weird sort of thing, I miss the
    children but I have to let them grow up. Also please see my post about how my older
    son is driving me nuts at the moment.
    Having
    said all that good luck to you.

     
  20. ah, sorry - I misinterpreted. And my whole post probably made you feel even worse - mea maxima culpa xx
    Well, you know, I am in my mid-40s and could tell you many a tale of women I know, including myself and my sister, and lots of my friends, who had children later in life, and often after even being told they couldn't. Or not having a partner. Then there was one. Or IVF was no longer needed, or whatever.
    I also have several friends - some by choice, some not by choice. But believe me, all of them are actually now happy with their lives.
    I know how yucky it is to be in the middle of the wood and not be able to see the glade. But there is one, just yonder xxxx
     

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