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Betrayal- am i just rowing this boat alone?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by tartybottom, Oct 7, 2015.

  1. tartybottom

    tartybottom New commenter

    I waited ten years before i got married. About four years into our relationship, i found that he had been emailing a woman (supposedly!) in America and chatting her up. He talked to her like a man chatting up a woman in a bar. She asked about his girlfriend and he said that i was pretty but nothing like her, then carried on chatting her up. No emotions were discussed. I left him. He knew that is what i would do. However, whilst parted from him, i realised that i couldn't fathom what my life would be without him. I love him very deeply. He swore he was just being stupid and sort of testing to see if he still had the ability to chat up a girl. I wasn't sure i believed this.. After a couple of weeks i went back to him, something i never thought i would do. We moved forward, everything was good, i trained and became a teacher.

    Next we got married and immediately i became pregnant with our first daughter. It was very stressful as i almost lost her several times, then finally had a very traumatic birth.
    Around a month later, my husband confessed that a woman had grabbed him and kissed him at a work do. He said he felt very flattered by her approach and that i hadn't noticed him in ages! I left again. My mother convinced me that it was just him feeling a bit jealous of our newborn and sent me back to him. With our daughter involved, i knew i had to at least try right?!

    I felt like an idiot and that he would do it again.

    Seven years later, i realised i was unexpectedly pregnant (not supposed to be able to fall pregnant) and we were over the moon. I noticed a woman kept commenting on things on his facebook account (he has me added as his wife). I ignored it, since he worked with around fifty women (and men) in his previous role. Then one day his phone beeped while i was making the bed and was stood next to it. The message showed up on the front of it as i looked across (i have never been the sort to check his phone etc and always happen upon things by accident, total honest truth and this sort of worries me, since he didn't care enough to be more careful or something?!). Flirting from the facebook woman, it was of a sexual nature. I was a month away from giving birth and chose to put it aside and speak to him about it later.
    I had our second beautiful daughter and almost bled to death on the table. He was with me the whole time, looking terrified and devastated. When everything was okay later, he kept reiterating that all he wanted was me (and crying). I had never seen him like this.

    Then another text when our child was ten months old. Again, of a sexual nature and i had to know. It was more innuendo than anything else, but still. So for the first time ever, i went on his ipad and there were a lot of messages to a completely different woman and these shared her feelings about her marriage and he said that he sometimes wished things had turned out differently.

    When i confronted him, he claimed it was all about lack of sex and me never initiating sex. I finally admitted to him why i have difficulty. In short, i feel like a ***** in most sexual scenarios as i had 'an experience' when i was eight. My mother never knew and she herself, was raised in a very religious household and passed on those ideas about sex being wrong etc.

    He has never, as far as i know, actively tried to meet any of these women and they live hundreds of miles away. Only an idiot would try to sort this out yet again though, right?!
    Eureka! likes this.
  2. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    I think you guys need to talk. Consider couples counselling with someone like Relate.
  3. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    Dragonlady30 and lindenlea like this.
  4. midnight_angel

    midnight_angel Senior commenter

    Definitely agree with the above. If you love this guy (as you appear to), then it is definitely worth attempting to get some 'help' as a couple, before completely separating.

    However, if you try counselling and it still doesn't change things then (and I feel really bad saying this - I appreciate that I'm not in your situation, and so it is easy for me to just comment) the likelihood is that he will continue to do this, especially if you keep taking him back and he feels he is 'having his cake and eating it'.
  5. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    It is amazing what you can work through if you love someone. Communication is key. The counselling suggestion is a good one.
    Dragonlady30 likes this.
  6. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    With my cynics hat on, is this someone who enjoyed Dr Foster last night?
    needabreak and grumpydogwoman like this.
  7. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    OK, he doesn't feel wanted so he's looking for that somewhere else. But he's doing the 'right thing' by you and your children. He didn't ever leave you. You walked out.

    I'll say what applies to all relationships. What's in it for him? You get a husband and kids and (presumably) a decent life. What's he getting? What does he THINK he's getting?

    So what IS in it for him? That he actually wants and enjoys?

    Counselling and listening. No use if you won't listen.
  8. harsh-but-fair

    harsh-but-fair Star commenter

    Certainly an interesting choice of username given the poster's background ...
    grumpydogwoman likes this.
  9. HelenREMfan

    HelenREMfan Star commenter

    I agree HBF. I was very surprised when looking at the user name having read the post.

    So...ok of one takes the post as genuine. I rather think the OP is very good at running away. The husband hasn't actually acted on any of his fantasies from the look of things and seems to need to discuss his life with others. So... there is obviously a real need to talk. Why is it only women are allowed to feel that someone wants them and that they are desired? It seems to me that this husband needs that also. You cannot just blame a childhood incident for a possible lack of desire/need for closeness - especially if you have never discussed this with him.
    grumpydogwoman likes this.
  10. xena-warrior

    xena-warrior Star commenter

    Where's the evidence he's never acted on them? His word? These are only the toy relationships OP knows about, for a start.
  11. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Well, I'm going to be devil's advocate. He sounds as if he's desperate for a bit of loving attention and has been trying to signpost this for a long time.

    Very religious? Sex is wrong? Sounds like two idiots to me. Why's he sticking around with tartybottom (EXCEEDINGLY odd choice of moniker) if she's so repressed?
  12. xena-warrior

    xena-warrior Star commenter

    Presuming it isn't a wind-up. I'd say OP was hugely unlucky or exercised poor judgement in falling in love with a spoilt little boy who plays games with other people despite knowing the harm he does to someone who loves him.
    Still being in love is lousy justification for clinging on to a career jerk. Cut your losses and move on. Once you're no longer his wife, he'll probably start sexting you as well.
    RedQuilt likes this.
  13. RedQuilt

    RedQuilt Star commenter

    Well put, xena!
    I can't see any point in clinging onto a broken and irreparable relationship.
  14. tartybottom

    tartybottom New commenter

    Thank you for the advice, it is is needed and appreciated.

    I have had that username for ten years now and never really thought to use it much until now. A good friend used to call me that so i thought i'd use it -I reserve judgement on all of your usernames!

    Whoever mentioned Dr Foster is right on the money, I have watched it and wondered about my blurred communication with my husband. I thought about it a lot as it was on and posted on here to see what different ideas people may have about my situation. I have not 'created' anything though, this is my life (sad though it may seem). Sorry to disappoint anyone.

    Each time something happened, my initial reaction was to leave. I am not the sort of person to stand for being treated badly, but i did return. Each time we sorted it out, or so i thought.

    I should have said to him about being attacked long before now. However if anyone has any experience of rape on here, they will know why it took me so long. I did seek help over the years and received counselling. I just never wanted to see 'that' look on his face. The one he has now, where a lot of things now add up for him and he pities me. That look makes me feel worse and a part of me wishes i never said. He seems to think he can fix it somehow, but he never can.

    We will try relate. The sex has been good for a few weeks now, but i just can't cross some barriers and think maybe that is what makes him unhappy. In all other respects he seems happy and we do talk openly.
    grumpydogwoman likes this.
  15. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    I think it's probably better that he's sorry for what you went through than fed up with you for being not quite as 'adventurous' as he thought you should be. You will both adapt to that.

    But why not give the FINAL ultimatum. Only if you mean it though. No creeping back at a later date.

    "Your flirting makes me feel like muck on your shoe. I will try to remember to tell you and show you that I love you and find you attractive but you are going to have to promise to stop chatting up other women. And, when I feel anxious, you are going to have to reassure me. But no texting, emailing. Nothing. It's not appropriate. Every adult knows it's playing with fire. Your track record is poor. Stop."
    tartybottom likes this.
  16. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    I understand why it took so long to disclose what happened, and I equally understand that you do not want, or need, to see the 'pity' look now that he knows.

    Counselling as a pair can help this - the opportunity to learn to communicate in a safe space where you can explain how you respond emotionally to the things he does, and he can do the same; where you can explain about the barriers; where he can explain about how he feels about them; where you can both learn to accommodate and work with and around these things. That's what partnership is all about.

    No-one can 'fix' the past, but people can change how they face the future (and the present) despite having had damaging past experiences.

    It is not up to any poster to make judgements on what's going on between you, because only you two can know, or if you don't, only you two can explore and discover what is going on, and work things out - if that's what you both want - but again only you two can decide this.

    Get talking!
    solvacrime and tartybottom like this.
  17. tartybottom

    tartybottom New commenter

    Thank you both. Sound advice. It is strange but i feel 'safer' discussing this with some random strangers rather than with friends or family. Maybe I don't want their interference or judgement as i continue with my marriage. I know that ultimately nobody can give me the answer, but some different perspectives have helped me here.

    I have already issued that ultimatum. I was clear that he would always see his daughters as much as i can possibly fit in if our marriage should fail. I don't want him to have any fears on that score. I would never want to be the sort of person to use my children like that. He knows it is simply finished if he does it again. Counselling now. Just dreading it though!
  18. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    But counselling really needs you to be able to be honest. We go every month or so as a matter of course but I'm naturally quite secretive (no, not about infidelity or anything) so the value is limited. Sometimes I open up and sometimes I keep my own counsel. And, when I'm not 'in the mood' or 'not playing' and bring it all back home with me, it does rather depend on the participating parties.

    Try it but it can be excruciating. Just be prepared.
    solvacrime likes this.
  19. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Just seen your post.

    Be brave! It can be a bit 'ouch'. I lie. It can be VERY painful. We do it like having routine service on your car. A sort of preventative measure.

    If you're fairly shy then it could take a while to get going but you might just find it an enormous relief and take to it like a duck to water! Best wishes!
    tartybottom likes this.
  20. tartybottom

    tartybottom New commenter

    I received counselling (told husband it was doctor app) for a couple of years regarding the rape. I think that for the first year i have never hated anyone as much as i hated the counsellor. Gradually i was able to accept the therapy in a sense. I did not like to accept that i was raped and could never refer to it as that. I see that i slipped into old habits in my first post and referred to it as "an experience".

    I just immediately feel the weight of that word if i ever use it. I spent years pretending it had never really happened to me and then when i finally accepted that this really had happened to me, i guarded my secret sort of to empower myself i suppose..

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