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bereavement

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by katemate24, Jan 9, 2012.

  1. Hi
    My grandad sadly passed away on friday, he has had advancing alzeimhers gradually worsening and numerous health issues and he was suddenly rushed to hospital on thurs unable to breathe and basically had cancer on one lung and all his organs were just shutting down. He passed away on friday. I saw him on thurs and realised I was saying goodbye and when I found out on fri I was at school- had a bit of a cry but mainly held it together all day and kept in a zone. Ive also been trying to keep busy the weekend. But I know I need to grieve. I am ok when I am teaching my lessons more or less. If anything it has made me accept no nonsense whatsoever. But as an NQT I have extra time so Im feeling lost lonely and out of my depth at school and I dont know what to do. All I want to do is go home wrap myself in my duvet and cry my heart out. Part of me wants to take a day off, but I can't see school having much symapthy towards that as it is a grandparent not a parent. But I feel that whilst I am "keeping going" I am not going to be able to carry on "keeping going" I just don't know what to do and feel alone.

    Thanks

    Kate
     
  2. Hi
    My grandad sadly passed away on friday, he has had advancing alzeimhers gradually worsening and numerous health issues and he was suddenly rushed to hospital on thurs unable to breathe and basically had cancer on one lung and all his organs were just shutting down. He passed away on friday. I saw him on thurs and realised I was saying goodbye and when I found out on fri I was at school- had a bit of a cry but mainly held it together all day and kept in a zone. Ive also been trying to keep busy the weekend. But I know I need to grieve. I am ok when I am teaching my lessons more or less. If anything it has made me accept no nonsense whatsoever. But as an NQT I have extra time so Im feeling lost lonely and out of my depth at school and I dont know what to do. All I want to do is go home wrap myself in my duvet and cry my heart out. Part of me wants to take a day off, but I can't see school having much symapthy towards that as it is a grandparent not a parent. But I feel that whilst I am "keeping going" I am not going to be able to carry on "keeping going" I just don't know what to do and feel alone.

    Thanks

    Kate
     
  3. BelleDuJour

    BelleDuJour Star commenter

    Go and have a good cry. I lost my dear Dad last July to Alzheimer's..................such a cruel and wicked disease. I know how you feel.
    Go and talk to your HoD first of all and if you need a day off then take one.
    There's a bereavement thread on here (http://community.tes.co.uk/forums/t/446307.aspx?PageIndex=94#7197230) that many of us have found very helpful.
    It does get easier with time, you learn to live with the loss, but I miss my Dad every day and will do for the rest of my life.
    Don't try to carry on as normal, this is not a 'normal' time for you.
    Sending hugs
    Belle
    xxx
     
  4. You are a human being though, going through the very real trauma of loss.
    Take a day off and cry your heart out. You need to. Don't reveal the reason for absence...a tummy upset will do.
    You can have a day off with a bad headache...so in my book you can have a day off with a breaking, aching heart too. You aren't functioning properly.
    Best wishes...as the days go by you'll cope better. x x
     
  5. When my dear, dear grandmother died four years ago yesterday, I absolutely went to pieces. As in, with retrospect, I can see that I completely lost the plot for a time. Fortunately, I was a student so it didn't really matter but I was genuinely unable to function properly, it hit me so hard. Some people's deaths just do and you can't quantify that some people 'should' mean more to you than others and so you 'should' be sadder when they die. If I had been working when my grandma died, I would have needed much more time off than one day. It wasn't wallowing or hamming it up; I walked around for a while feeling like I'd been hit by a train, then I was angry as hell with everything and everybody, and then I was a blubbering wreck for a bit, and only after all this could I start to occasionally see friends again or care a jot about my studies. Watching somebody die from a terrible disease is such a traumatic experience and their death stirs up such complicated emotions. If you want time off work, don't ask for it, explain that you need it. If your Head is an insensitive oaf, frame it as: 'you need some time to ensure that you are able to continue delivering the best quality provision to your pupils...' [​IMG]
    Also, I know you don't believe me, because I didn't when somebody said this to me, but with time, you will let go of how unjust it was and the memories of the illness will fade and you will be left with a sad but nice feeling that you were just jolly lucky to have known somebody so lovely xx
     
  6. fantastischfish

    fantastischfish Established commenter

    There is a wonderful thread over on Personal for those suffering a bereavement to share and listen. It was a great source of comfort to me last summer. Although it's not always at the top of the forum, anyone adding their story will receive quick and caring support.
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Eva x x x
    http://community.tes.co.uk/forums/t/446307.aspx?PageIndex=1
     
  7. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Just a big cyberhug [​IMG].
    I know it won't be of any comfort to you in the raw grief of losing your gran, but watching my own Mother's decline with Alzheimers I sometimes long for this 'struggle' to be over for her, and you might take some relief in the knowledge that he's gone fairly quickly as he probably wouldn't have coped with the cancer treatment.
    My own Mother has been declining into what they term 'moderate dementia' for the past 2 years and it is the most dreadful disease to see slowly robbing a person of all their memories and dignity. My mother is still incredibly fit physically and it's not beyond the realms of possiblity for her to last another 10 years like this. Her sister lasted for 6 years at 'end-stage' lying in a bed in the foetal position, being fed through a tube because her heart was strong. It breaks my heart to see her on a daily basis and see only a shell of the person she was.
    If your grandad recognised who you were at the end, hang on to that and know that you were able to say a 'proper goodbye'.
    It's still very raw - only last week. When my father died, hardly ever having had a day off sick in his life, died just 20 mins after my Mum's phone call that he had collapsed, I lived life in a bubble for about 3 weeks- as though everyone elese was living their life and mine had come to an abrupt halt and it took me a further 6 months before I could reflect on him without crying. Grief takes time and everyone is different.
    Do have a talk with your Head about time off for the funeral though. Use school to distract yourself if possible and then let yourself grieve if you need to in the comfort of your own home.
    Do have alook at the link quoted above https://community.tes.co.uk/forums/t/446307.aspx?PageIndex=1 there's lots pf good advice from people who've been there.
     

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