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Bereavement Expectations

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by ClaireMiles, Mar 10, 2018.

  1. ClaireMiles

    ClaireMiles New commenter

    Standing in my classroom on Thursday, preparing to see my Year 8s in ten minutes, HR walked in and told me to ring my mum. That was the moment my life crashed as she told me Dad had died. HR in my school were amazing and I went home straight away to be with my family. Waking up this morning, all I can think about is work on Monday...
    Does anyone have any experience of this? Do you think I am expected to show up as normal on Monday? It makes me sick thinking about it - even the thought of walking through the front doors. I just don't know how I will hold it together in front of my students. Any advice would be greatly appreciated x
  2. bonxie

    bonxie Lead commenter

    Email the head teacher. Tell him/her how you feel. I'm sure they'll be understanding. If you don't get a reply by Monday morning, phone in and tell them you don't feel able to come into work.
    Stiltskin, needabreak and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  3. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Your School would understand if you don't go to work, especially as they were so good and sent you home straight away.

    You will be allowed compassionate leave- you need to check how long it is for your own School and then decide when you want to use it.

    If you're not nearby and have to make arrangements with family you couldn't travel back anyway.
    Your Mum will need your support too, as she copes, as well as trying to cope with your own grieving.

    As to work, f
    or now it may be self-certificating / going to see your gp for stress by caused by sudden death of parent., Some people find going back to work and doing 'normal life' helps, others just can't face work, especially when it involves standing in front of classes, so be guided by your own feelings.
    here really is no right or wrong decision.. Just as there is no right way to react. Some people cry a lot, others bottle it up, some rush around like headless chickens clearing etc, so don't worry if other members of the family react differently, or even temporarily seem to have 'delayed reaction'. It really is 'all normal'.

    ake care. My own father collapsed early one morning and was dead within 20 minutes and I never made it there as I couldn't get the children up in time, so I appreciate the shock factor'. It was like living life in a bubble watching everyone else carry on as normal whereas for us our world had collapsed.
    needabreak likes this.
  4. Sundaytrekker

    Sundaytrekker Star commenter

    No, you can’t go into work and they’re probably not expecting you. Email or phone following your usual absence procedures. Ask whether you can be granted compassionate leave and how long for. This is likely to be 1-5 days including what you’ve already had. If/when that finishes then self certificate your absence for a week due to bereavement stress. If you need more time again go to your gp and ask to be signed off for that reason.

    There is no right or wrong amount of time but at some point you will need to begin to get back to some kind of normal routine.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care.
    frangipani123 and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  5. needabreak

    needabreak Star commenter

    Sorry for your loss. The other posters are absolutely right, please send the email or make the call (they are expecting it anyway) and don't think about it till Monday, you have other priorities right now and school will carry on... you must ensure you are focusing on your immediate needs and those of your mum/close family, it's early days. All the best.
  6. frangipani123

    frangipani123 Lead commenter

    Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your news. No-one would expect you to return to work on Monday, as others have said you are entitled to compassionate leave, you can also self-certify for a week, and your GP will sign you off too due to bereavement and that is what they will write on the note.

    There's a lot to do initially but after that you may want to get extra support from CRUSE Bereavement Care - they offer information and counselling, and are very good if you need someone to talk to.

    Take care of yourself.
    Lara mfl 05 and needabreak like this.
  7. ClaireMiles

    ClaireMiles New commenter

    Guys thank you so much for the advice. It is really much appreciated. You have put my mind at ease x
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  8. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Star commenter

    So sorry for your loss. I'm sure your school won't be expecting you back on Monday. Good advice from everyone. I was at school when my dad phoned to say that my mum had had her second major stroke. I left straight away, and mum died two days later. I'm not sure how much time we officially get for compassionate leave, but I stayed with my dad for a week, then came back to school for a week before taking another three days to go down to dad's for the funeral. Sometimes you need to do these things - schools are usually very understanding and supportive. It's early days, but you will get through this saddest of times x
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  9. Gemini25

    Gemini25 New commenter

    Firstly, I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

    I just wanted to chip and say that it is important to accept your feelings over the course of the coming months. One of my parents died very suddenly and unexpectedly in July 2017. I returned to work for the Autumn term as usual and have not had any time off for it at all but that isn't to say I've been unaffected. I have been completely affected by it and had ten sessions of counselling through the wellbeing service at school. I am still very deeply affected by it every day and I know I will be for a long time to come. For me, going in gives me some sense of normality in the chaos of my new life without one of my parents that I never contemplated for a second. It is a long process so please don't place any expectations on yourself of what you should feel when. Grief isn't a nice neat linear process, it can be messy and unpredictable and that's okay and normal. I didn't take up the head's offer of counselling until 6 months after it happened. I wasn't in a place where I could bring myself to talk about it in detail until then.

    I had never realised until this happened to me that as you never 'grow out' of being your parents' child, even if you are an adult when your parent dies, you are still a 'grieving child' as you are their child.

    Take care
    Gem x
    ROSIEGIRL and Lara mfl 05 like this.

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