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Being pestered to have children!

Discussion in 'Personal' started by anon3946, Jun 26, 2011.

  1. No partner, so no hassle from the in-laws. But my mother likes to talk about "when I'm a grandmother" or "my grandchildren". Not entirely sure where said grandchildren are going to come from- I do not want to be a parent and I'm an only child. She is fully aware of my feelings on the matter but doesn't seem to take me seriously. And with so many friends getting married and having children, I find myself hassled more and more by just about everyone to start husband hunting and having babies- the former I don't want for a long time; the latter, never.
    With your MIL, have you tried explaining to her what you've said here? After all, you're 12 years younger than when she had your fiance!
  2. Hi Alliandra
    Yes, we have both tried explaining our situation and thoughts to her. My MIL had a few miscarriages before she had my fiance and his brother, and so ended up having children quite late, and I think she is scared that she won't see her grandchildren.
    It sounds selfish, but it's us who's lives will be majorly changed when we have children, not hers (especially as she lives almost 100 miles away) and I want to know that we're ready for that. Sometimes (and the only thing that's stopping me is that it would make things awkward for my fiance) I feel like telling her bluntly that the more she nags us, the less likely we are to have children!
  3. marshypops

    marshypops New commenter

    Only you and partner can decide when you're ready to have children, ignore hints from friends and family (they may be well meant but are so annoying). If you have to your OH may have to explain to mum that it's nothing to do with her.
  4. For years I got.. 'when are you going to give your mother a grandchild??' Neither I nor my then husband wanted kids. I always responded that I would when she would take them off my hands full time... obviously not the arrangement they wanted. Fortunately my sister gave her the wanted grandson and I was off the hook... I'm still childless and have no intention of ever having any even though I had to live through years of... 'you'll change your mind!' (I'm 44 this year and my current partner doesn't want kids either and his elderly parents have never even mentioned grandkids thankfully) Stick to your guns - it is your life (and that of your partner) you do what you want not what everyone else thinks is best...
  5. She lives 100 miles away ... I am guessing the "pestering" is therefore irregular and fairly low key

    Presumably you can simply say "we are looking to have children in 2/5/10 years time" and leave it at that

    She is not making you have a baby ... she is just expressing her desire to be a Gran

    Are you scared that you (or partner) will feel "guilted" into becoming pregnant ... I hope not ... so I do not really see what the issue is
  6. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Not now because a lot has changed but years ago when I was your age.
    You don't need to tell her where to go but you can politely say two things
    1) You aren't ready to start a family yet OR that starting a family is a private matter between you and your husband.
    2) There are no guarantees of having a family even if you want one. All you can do is try to start a family but you may not be able to - as she has had problems with miscarriages etc she should understand this.
  7. Unfortunately not! We see them every other weekend, and my fiance and her speak on the phone about 5 times a week. She mentions it and hints every time.
    I know - but she expresses this desire far too often.
    No, but I am fed up with every conversation we have with her including when we are going to make her a Gran. That is how she puts it too, not when are we going to become parents.
  8. jubilee

    jubilee Star commenter

    I have to admit to being guilty of letting my children know how much I'd like to have grandchildren but neither seem inclined to continue the family line.
    I was desperate to be a mum and would have liked more children (emergency hysterectomy put paid to that) and I suppose I've put my hopes on my children having babies.
    I think it's also a generation thing. I'm 57 and our generation tended to marry younger and have children sooner, before we had all the mod-cons. We managed to buy a basic 3 bedroom house (no central heating, rotten windows, no fitted kitchen) and could just about cope on one salary. There's no way I'd have gone back to work and let someone else raise my babies for the majority of their waking hours.
    I'd happily look after any grandchildren for the parents to continue in work but I've come to accept that I'll never be a grandmother.

  9. I do think it is a generation thing, Jubilee. However, I don't want to have to "just about cope," I want to know that when we do have children (and we will one day) we are comfortable and will be able to bring them up ourselves, without childminders etc. I also do not want to go back to work when we have a child - I want to be able to stay at home until it is school age. I know this is probably a pipe dream, but at least it's something to work towards. I think it's this that my MIL doesn't understand, even though she did the same with her children.
  10. lapinrose

    lapinrose Star commenter

    The real problem comes when you can't have them and are accused of being selfish.
  11. I don't get pestered as such but I do get comments from my mum and my nan about how they can't wait until I have children. I am the only (female) left in my family that hasn't got children. I have 2 cousins the same age as me, 1 has one child, the other has three. My older cousin is currently pregnant so it's safe to say I am the last one, and I have no intention of having them anytime soon unfortunately seeing as I have no job, money or house!
    Just a few years ago my mum would have said I was far too young to have children, but spending time with my cousins' babies has changed her mind!
  12. Chica77

    Chica77 New commenter

    My MIL used to make the odd comment or two when my husband i were first living together (2004) and say how she'd like grandchilden etc, but i just rolled my eyes and humoured her. She's quite young, only 53 now....so i'm not quite sure why she was that bothered about becoming a grandparent.
    Anyway, we do have children now, a 2 year old and a 6 week old, and i waited until we were married and i felt ready. I was 30 when i got pregnant.
  13. Me too! But only in a jokey way, they are only 24 and 21 at the moment.
    My older sister's son has just had a baby and she said she couldn't believe the emotion and instant love she felt when she met him! My parents adored all their 10 grandchildren, it made their family life complete, sadly they both died within 15 months of each other at 68 and 69, I feel they were robbed of the years they'd so enjoyed and the grandchildren were robbed of their love and wisdom.
    It must be hard being pestered but I can understand why she wants to be a Gran, just try and explain and be totally honest about your plans and tell she'll just have to wait.
  14. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    They are parents, you owe them nothing, your very existence is their fault, their
    selfishness and incontinence grants them no rights whatsoever. Ask them to cut it out. If they persist put them in a home, sell their house, move to Austrailia.

  15. Oh Lurk_much, that really cheered me up!
  16. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I am glad.
  17. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    Next time she asks when you are going to make her a gran, tell her when you've accumulated enough modelling clay...
  18. If only it was as simple as that!
    My parents still scare me rigid! And I'm 54.
    (One child, unplanned!)
  19. Tell her that.

    Actually get your husband to tell her. In a nice way say that you keep getting upset because you desperatly want children but you want to be a stay at home mum so it can't happen for a while.

    Better still next time you are there for a weekend burts into tears and run from the room and afterwards tell them the same thing.

  20. I have never had that problem although I am only 24. If anything, I have the complete opposite in that I would like to have children in the future but my mother is convinced that I won't be able to raise a child properly due to my Aspergers even though my job involves caring for vulnerable teenagers who are often still at the early stages of development due to learning disabilities and I am coping fine with it, as I have pointed out to her on numerous occasions. She also seems to think that my dyspraxia means I won't be able to hold a baby-even my dad makes me sit down when I hold my baby sister as he thinks, if I stand and hold a baby at the same time, I'll either fall over or drop the baby. I have been told I will make a fantastic auntie instead-it's lovely to be so trusted! My partner has been an orphan since infancy so there is no pressure from his side.

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