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Attachment parenting

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Doglover, Feb 13, 2011.

  1. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    I am an adult who has struggled with self esteem issues.
    One of the biggest causes of self esteem issues in children rises not out of neglect as many think, but out of overparenting and overprotectiveness.
    It is vitally important that toddlers learn to develop a sense of self, and that this should grow with them as they grow. They should know that they are not an extension of their parent/parents. They are individuals.
    My children have Asperger Syndrome, and one of the most important things to teach them, is to have their own identity, their own sense of self, and to know that other people have needs and rights as well as them.
    One of the things I have become quite aware of as I have taught them this, it that many other parents don't in fact teach their supposedly "normal" children the same.
    Yes babies need to have their needs met, as and when. But this needs to change as they develop.
    I think one thing that worries me about the idea that babies needs must be paramount at all times is, that it can be very demanding to a mother who is feeling the pressure. In my opinion mum and dad's needs are just as important to babies.
    I do not agree with controlled crying etc, but I do think there is a time and a place for letting baby wait, especially if mum or dad feel so much under pressure by meeting baby's demands as and when, that their own health - mentally or physically- is at risk.
  2. Toddlers can wait. Babies shouldn't.
    A baby has no way of helping itself. A toddler, if needs must, can occupy itself for a minute or two.
    I would never, ever, leave a baby to cry.
    And mine cried buckets as babies - as toddlers they didn't. They knew they were safe and loved.
    They also found out that tantrums do not work.
  3. Well I have read wiki

    Apparently sensitive and emotionally open parents are the key to this

    So yes

    Assuming that a cry meant a need and a interpreting a look ... not exactly rocket science
  4. That pretty much sums up how I intend to parent, CQ. I don't like leaving her to cry, and am hoping as she gets older she is secure enough not to need to- she only cries when she needs something so I give her what she needs. She doesm't really understand anything else.
    I think that is the basic principle behind attachment parenting- but to most is just what comes naturally. As she ages so will my parenting and she will learn there are other people who matter.
  5. I get really upset over things like this and I know it's ridiculous but how literally do people mean statements like "never" leaving a baby to cry? If it's just you and you just get in the shower and they start, do you get out dripping wet or leave for ten minutes? What about if you're driving and you hear a wail - do you pull over straight away? I mean these questions genuinely, I'm not trying to be challenging in any way. I wouldn't let a baby just scream himself to sleep again but it isn't always practical to drop what you're doing and charge to them immediately.
  6. I would get out of the shower and pull over as soon as it was safe
  7. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    CQ, I tried my best not to leave either of my babies to cry, but I have to tell you that there were definitely times that if I hadn't walked away and left them for a few minutes, I may have ended up harming them, rather than doing them any good.
    There are times when mums and dads must walk away from their baby who they know has been fed, winded, changed etc.
    I think if more mothers and fathers were more honest about the fact that being the devoted mother isn't always as easy as some mothers would have them feel, there wouldn't be so many mums who are in despair because motherhood isn't the deam they thought it would be.
  8. Okey, maybe not 'never' as it isn't always possible, when in the car she often has to be left, sometimes she cries all the way, usually she falls asleep- sometimes I pull over...I usually grit my teeth and keep driving. If I'm in a important stage of cooking, I leave her.... and grab her at the end. I carried her a lot in a sling as a little baby as I couldn't put her down for long. I don't need to anymore as she is happy enough playing.
    I don't think it does an harm for the odd cry! Everyone parents slightly differently anyway- there is no hard and fast right way to do it..... and I know with number 2 I will probably be doing something with number 1 and won't be able to drop to go to a crying baby.
  9. I like the slings as well, moomoon [​IMG]
    Mine was quite fussy and initially I felt pressured to respond to every cry and I literally couldn't go to the toilet, brush my teeth, shower or anything - Doglover's post is very moving as it brings back how I felt, I just feel there are two extremes of responding to a baby's every cry and just leaving them and I don't advocate the latter but there is a big difference between leaving a baby to scream because you can't be bothered and because you know they won't come to any harm and you have a head full of shampoo!
  10. Chica77

    Chica77 New commenter

    I never left my son to cry (and still don't) but I did used to jump in the shower if I was on my own and he would cry for maybe a minute, but that was more like a 'don't leave me' cry, but then he would settle as he didn't really need anything. Now he's nearly 20 months I put him in the cot with a load of toys when I have a shower and he does whinge for a minute and then plays.
    I always put him first as a baby, and pretty much still do. I work part time and went back when he was 7.5 months old, but he is pretty settled at his childminder's. He is the centre of mine and my husband's world, but we do have our own lives too. Our 2nd is due in 11 weeks, and he will have to learn to share then!!
  11. I also have to say, I was lucky, I didn't have a colicy baby- but for someone alone with a sceaming baby for hours on end, the best thing can be to put the baby somewhere safe... step away and relax for a short time, then go back to baby in a better frame of mind. It doesn't do the mum any good to feel like that,
  12. I think, PD, rather than read other peoples 'I never....' and start to doubt yourself, it is important to follow your own instincts and what works for you and your baby. They change over time and some cries are more 'important' than others.... eg mine cries when she drops a toy- frustration rather than anything! You know your own baby.
  13. Doglover

    Doglover Occasional commenter

    Believe me, I strongly believe in putting the kids first, which goes part way to explaining why I have only just managed a few months ago, to get my 9 year old sleeping in her own be.
    We did have to resort to a routine similar to controlled crying, when she was about a year, after months of no sleep. we never left her alone to cry, but when we knew that she was warm, safe, dry, not hungry etc, and she was still crying, we had to do something about it. We went through a couple of nights, of going to her when she cried, reassuring her, and withdrawing slowly from the room. Just as you swung your legs into your own bed, she did the same again.
    It worked after a few nights, though, and we had no problems until she moved to a bed. Once she realised there was nothing keeping her in bed, she couldn't believe her luck.
    We went through months of having to out her back, and put her back, and then we had to put a stairgate on her room while we sat outside her room, and then the top of the stairs, made charts - everything!!
    Eventually we succeeded with though.
    I am sure our difficulties were not helped by the then undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome, but sometimes you have to do things for your own sanity.
  14. Lol moomoon, mine did that - by the end of the day I would be crying along in frustration as well! [​IMG] x
  15. I didn't drive when mine were babies and since their prams and pushchairs faced me, they never cried when we were out. I never left them to cry deliberately, mainly out of wetness, but if I'd just got in the shower when the grizzling started - and it took a few minutes for them to get up to Full Wail - then I'm afraid they just had to wait the two minutes necessary.
    A baby sounds as if its arm is being torn off when there is nothing wrong with it at all apart from discovering that mother is not in its eyeline. When I appeared, I would be met with a beaming smile and an instant cessation of howling, so no harm done. They don't remember anything ten minutes later anyway!
  16. Exactly. I had to use controlled crying on my son when he was 18 months old. He was a very difficult baby, cried constantly and slept for only 3-4 hours at a time. I was advised by a health visitor to put him in the bed with us (bad advice), I defy anyone to get any sleep whilst sharing a bed with a wriggly 18 month old.
    I was back at work, exhausted and extremely tearful. I'm 5ft 9in and my size 10 jeans were dropping off me. The crunch came when I childminder let us know that he went down for his afternoon nap without any difficulty whilst he was at her house.
    Controlled crying was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The first time he cried for 20 minutes (so did I), the second day it took 10 minutes but by the end of the week he was dropping off to sleep with no argument at all.
    The interesting thing was, once he was sleeping better, he was far more content and happy.
    He's 13 now and, needless to say, he could sleep for England
  17. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    I am at this moment leaving my 18 month old to cry herself to sleep [​IMG]. I've done all the right things: bathed her, read to her, given her milk, sung lullabies, soothed her etc.
    At the end of the day though, she's 18 months and should be able by now to get herself off to sleep. I have sh.itloads of things to do around the house (just came on here for 5 mins to preserve my sanity) and have her two older siblings to get off to bed too (schools off here next week).
    I guess she's gonna learn that we all have to do things we don't want to do and at 9pm, it's mamma's time.
    Wonder what the attachment parents would make of that .... [​IMG]
  18. Yes. Nobody wants to leave their baby crying, but sometimes it's just got to be done, for the sanity of all concerned.
  19. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    You are posting on here while your child is crying for you?
  20. Hmmmmm

    I had one who would get off to sleep alone from birth or there abouts and another who liked to be sung or read to sleep ... so that was what we did ... he would then sleep through from very young

    Babies are all different

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