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At the end of my tether

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. Moony

    Moony Lead commenter

    Something else that's just occurred to me. You need to sit down and work out which is a higher priority for you, being a wife or being an enabler. Now being an enabler can be a positive thing if you are helping someone to live independently say, however in a situation like this it's not that sort of Nanking that is coming to mind.
    slingshotsally and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  2. ilovesooty

    ilovesooty Lead commenter

    I began to change my viewpoint as the thread progressed. If it were simply a question of encouraging him to comply with his medication that might have been doable but the stinking tooth and infected toe are something else. It's grossly disrespectful to you.
    If he is prepared to risk amputation and sepsis I'm not sure that you can succeed in encouraging him to change his behaviour. He doesn't seem to care enough about marriage and fatherhood to move out of expecting to be protected and enabled as he has been all his life.
    I wonder whether he realises that you are close to giving up on the marriage? If that isn't a wake up call for him I imagine you will have no alternative but to look at ending the relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this.
  3. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    I don't think it's that he doesn't care so much as he's used to just being able to bury his head in the sand and ignore anything he doesn't like. I've contributed to that by enabling him just as much as his parents do/did. That has to change.

    For the person asking about the doctorate (sorry, can't look back because on the iPad now) it is fully funded plus a decent bursary in year 1 and a wage in years 2 and 3. Chances are I won't get it anyway because there are 30 people to each place

    A lot rests on the results of the MSc which come out next month. I'm sure I'll be on here either humblebragging or wailing in despair in a couple of weeks.

    Incidentally, I had to ask my supervisor and the marker of my project (a reasonably well known professor) if he could be my referee and he said he'd be 'delighted' to.
    Now, that's either sarcasm because I've done really badly in my thesis and it's going to be awful, or I've done well and he's happy to because he won't have to think up nice ways of letting them know that I'm terrible student, right? Ive been driving myself nuts trying to read into his 3 word email reply to my request for a reference (which was: Of course. Delighted).
  4. MrsArmitage

    MrsArmitage Occasional commenter

    As he seems to be always buried away in another room in the house anyway, could you stick a bed of some variety in there? Telll him you'll stop paying his mobile/insurance bills within X months and pass them back to him. He'll either pay, or he won't, and will be without phone and transport.

    Could you and your children go and stay with family for a week or two? A bit of distance might make you see what you pr lives would be like without him, whether for good or not.

    Either way, although I don't know you, I really do hope things look up for you soon.
  5. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    False modesty.

    He'd be delighted to.

    Because you're bloody good. Damned bloody good.
  6. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    That's what I thought too.
  7. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    The only reason I'm paying for his mobile and car is because he stopped paying for it himself while I was heavily pregnant with my 2nd. I needed to be able to contact him if I went into labour (they don't have a work phone that i can get him on) and I needed someone who is able to do the pick ups and drop offs for the kids when I'm at work and without a car, he can't. I suspect he knows this but although it sounds very manipulative, I'm not sure he has the brain power to think things through that far ahead. He's more of an act now and think about stuff later, if he's forced to, kind of person.
  8. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    My god I hope so. He's a reasonably big name in the psychology world (done some TV stuff, written some best selling books, and is an alumni of the Uni I'm applying to) and I spent most of my research time feeling utterly intimidated by him (even though he is an exceptionally nice man who went out of his way to help me!)
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  9. chelsea2

    chelsea2 Star commenter

    Ork, if someone else had posted your OP, what would you think? What would your advice be? There's your answer.
    I am so sorry. Hugs.
  10. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    Orkrider, it is abundantly clear to anyone with half a brain that you are very smart, motivated and have boundless enthusiasm for your subject. Stop doubting yourself!
  11. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Thank you.

    You've all been so lovely to me today. You honestly don't know how much it's helped.
  12. Sundaytrekker

    Sundaytrekker Star commenter

    I don’t really know what to add but didn’t want to read and run. He needs to understand that he has got to deal with these health issues and make changes if there is any chance of carrying on. He needs to understand you are reaching the end of your tether.im so sorry for you.
    Lara mfl 05 and slingshotsally like this.
  13. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    I know it can't be THAT easy but you come across as one of those women who is pretty damned capable. And I am slightly under-egging it.

    You're too good for him.

    End of.

    He's a burden. You have 3 kids. You don't need another one. And you are enabling his ineptitude. What's his motivation here? He's like a pig in muck. Yes, you can juggle all this and still excel academically. But why should you?

    He doesn't deserve you.
  14. Moony

    Moony Lead commenter

    You'll be fine. You don't have to have written a perfect thesis to be a good candidate for further study. I do completely get where you are coming from with this as well. I've just started a new job, all through the application process I was switching between being really optimistic and doubting/questioning why they would be interested in me. Anyway, skipping the waffling I could do I got the job, and they seem really pleased to have me there which is still weirding me out a bit.
  15. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    That may be true, but is probably mitigated somewhat by the frequency of which I tell him this. :oops:
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  16. Moony

    Moony Lead commenter

    Well then, when you kick him out it's not like he's not had any notice to the fact.
  17. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    an alumnus
  18. chelsea2

    chelsea2 Star commenter

    Could the smallest Orklet 'accidentally' damage the PS4 beyond repair? Where does the food and drink come from - if from you, why not insist he gets his own? Change to a PAYG phone - no need for regular payments if it's only used to arrange child pick-ups.
  19. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    Lara mfl 05 and slingshotsally like this.
  20. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    You are a star, Orkrider, and we don't like to think of you being disrespected.
    InkyP, Laphroig, Norsemaid and 4 others like this.

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