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At the end of my tether

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    See if you can get a free half hour from a solicitor to talk through the basics of your rights and his rights and how to achieve what you want.
    pepper5, sabrinakat, InkyP and 3 others like this.
  2. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Ork, this is a sad situation and there's nothing I can add that hasn't already been said.

    His family regard you as his carer, and that suits them, although his mother is trying to make him see sense. Have you had a good talk to her? Between the two of you, you may come up with something.

    I'm afraid it's rocket up the backside time for Mr Ork. This b loody, pustulent toe and the stinking, rotten tooth are a matter of real concern! He needs antibiotics for starters! I wouldn't even share a bed with him.
    A trip to the GP is in order - tell him about the stress you're under because of Mr Ork's conditions, and ask him to phone him on the pretext of checking bloods and medications etc. He really needs to be seen in the surgery or have a visit from a health professional.

    This sorry state of affairs can't go on. It must be impacting on the children, too.
  3. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    I'd definitely kick him out of bed. How very unhygienic.

    My advice was really to make him think and maybe give him a kick up the bum. But what's the point? You have two kids in common and that's that. That's all.

    He doesn't know where you work. He doesn't care if you go out without him. As long as he has his pizza and his PS4 he's a happy boy. That's all he is. A fat lad with a mental age of 14. I have no sympathy. For him. 40! With 2 kids and your eldest! What a loser. You don't fancy him. You do nothing together.

    People do stay in marriages for practical reasons. They certainly do. And you might too. And you might not. It's list-time. Pros and cons.
  4. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Thank you all again. So much good advice and lots and lots to think about. The house and everything here including both cars, mobile phones etc are all in my name, because he's got ccjs for, you guessed it, not bothering to pay stuff on time.
    Sadly the gp thing won't work as we are registered at different surgeries (we both grew up near here so have stuck to our childhood ones).
    Still, lots of things I can do. One friend has suggested that I start keeping a log of what medication he takes each day, which will have to be monitored on the sly, and a diary of what's ailments he's complaining about each day. Ironically, he's not been too bad today, doesn't seem to be in much pain. But he limps partly out of habit now and is still so unfit that he looks like he's struggling even when he's not.
    It's not all bad between us. He's not all bad. Honest.
  5. Lalad

    Lalad Lead commenter

    He doesn't have to be all bad - but he's supposed to be your husband, not a lodger.

    How does he manage at work?
  6. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Okay, it's time for full on ranting and histrionics, never mind just nagging. If he doesn't sort himself out on the medical front, he has to go to his mother's, or somewhere. You can't take any more etc etc. Make him see what he's doing to YOU!

    You can't just leave, can you? You need his salary. You're trapped. Time to stop enabling him and indulging him. Separate beds, don't wash his soiled sheets, don't wait on him. Get tough. You control the purse strings. He's being coddled, shielded from all responsibility. Whilst you...

    I'd have gone ballistic ages ago. :(
  7. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    No. the last thing you need is more work and responsibility.

    Lots of people have given good advice. I agree with the people who have said he is depressed but I don't think this actually makes any practical difference. At the moment your care allows him to function without having to seek more help. It's not fair on either of you because it creates such an unequal relationship while letting him go untreated. I think at this point the kindest thing you can do is to end the relationship. Perhaps make it clear that you do still love him and if he seeks treatment you will support him and consider getting back together but be clear that you're not going to continue like this.

    Will he leave if you ask him to?
  8. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    I keep wondering....
    .....what example is he setting for your children. Is he the role model you want for them. Are they learning that the wife's role is to do all the work, that marriage is about not caring for the partner or sharing and supporting, that being an adult is being a slob, that pizza / junk food is ok, that you don't have to take responsibility for your own health, let alone care about others.
    What are they learning about adult relationships, where are they getting a role model of a healthy marriage?
    Edit: one day they will be in a relationship. What, in 20 years time, will they be taking with them, from the present scenario, into their marriages?
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2017
  9. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    When divorce is the only solution, the bullet has to be bit and dealt with in the least possible acrimonious manner. However I've known a number of people who divorced and lived to regret it; and others who considered divorce, but managed to bring about change through counseling.

    Relationships involve two people. How they interact with each other affects them both. Dysfunctional relationships often occur when one party feels the other is stifling them in some way, yet not appreciating they may be projecting their own frustrated ambitions onto their partner. It takes a bit of getting your head round how this works.

    As I said earlier, individuals are the product of their lifetime experiences. How they relate to those is incredibly complex and although we try to work out how we should live our lives and how to interact with others, there are no rules.

    Consider this. We all know there are givers and takers. It seems on the surface what's in it for the taker, bet it's less obvious what's in it for the giver. I put it to you all that the transaction brings mutual satisfaction, since how frustrating would it be to be a giver, who couldn't find someone to take?

    Takers too aren't necessarily as evil as they are made out to be. If they refuse to take what's being given, who does that satisfy?

    I could probably explain this better, but it's part of the essence of what I meant about projecting our frustrated ambitions onto others.

    It gets very difficult to work out from a distance how each partner in a relationship benefits from a relationship, but they rarely last more than a few months when neither gets anything.
  10. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    Meant to add, that I think lindenleas advice about seeking legal advice re your rights etc is important.
  11. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    Why? What's the point of this?
    You already know that he's not taking medication etc as required. His doctor , presumably, knows he's not been for follow up appointments, tests, medication etc.
    Your OH, presumably realises this too.
    So, apart from having a list, how is this going to change anything?
  12. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    It's only important when divorce is inevitable. I've yet to read anything from the OP that indicates every other alternative has been exhausted.
    monicabilongame and kibosh like this.
  13. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    All I can add is this rather extended philosophical waffle:

    Don't be a coward like I was, ork. I was cowardly and scared, and made myself believe a fantasy that things would get better with discussion, the passage of time, and verbal pacts to 'work at things' and 'make more of an effort', etc.. In all fairness to myself and my xOH, there were some pretty substantial mitigating factors that worked against us. I suppose I might be thinking that in your case, ork, an ultimatum might not work. It might just put you in a 'holding pattern' where your patience is tested even more, where your resentment grows.

    In addition to this, what i failed to recognise whilst busy being a doormat in my relationship, was that in our shared life we inhabited different, but parallel, universes and that we experienced very different lives, and that we did not live in the 'same' house. Some couples/families experience their home in different ways to the other inhabitants of the same house - so, for some it's a hotel, they live in a hotel, and for some it's a place of endless chores that provides 'the others' with the hotel experience. For all the love and goodwill in the world, it is sometimes beyond our, any of us, ability to fully comprehend an other person's reality, even when we are close to each other, because in spite of our personal similarities, the differences are always there, but sublimated.

    And, in part, that's because most conversations we have in life are carried out with the primary purpose of finding common ground, not for the sole purpose of finding out where the fault lines, the divergences in experience and expectation, lie. And there's no time that this is more pronounced, than at the start of any new relationship (collegiate or personal).

    By the time we realise what the personal differences are, we are in so deep that . . . . . *I'll let you, the reader, finish that sentence as you see fit.*

    In short, love is blind and an eye opener. The ultimate paradox.

    Ork, you might very well have serious doubts about passing the 'buck' back to his family, but they were quick enough to divest all their responsibility on to you. They will cope. They won't be happy, but hey, that's life. He will be fine. If there's anyone you ought to be SAVING just now, it's you and the children.
  14. JosieWhitehead

    JosieWhitehead Lead commenter

    Oh, I've almost wept because of what you've told us. I only wish that perhaps you lived near to me where I could do something practical to help you - and I would, willingly - but I think we all feel the same - and I send you a hug for certain.
  15. Flere-Imsaho

    Flere-Imsaho Star commenter

    And it has the added bonus of being the most likely way of making him save himself too.
  16. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    Is he still employed Ork? There was an accident at work not too long ago, wasn't there? How does he manage to get organised to get there?
  17. Norsemaid

    Norsemaid Senior commenter

    Dear @Orkrider2 ,
    That's what propelled me to do something about my own situation a few years ago- The effect on the children's perception of what relationships were about .
    I had the guilt eg, I should do more , what if I changed a bit more etc etc until one day, I had a light bulb moment at a family gathering and realised that nothing was going to change and I had to do what was best for the children and myself
    I'm in a different more positive situation now. The children have grown into mature, well adjusted adults and I'm with someone who loves me for me .

    You have shown tremendous strength, care and love to someone who seems incapable of returning it . I hope that you find the right path for you and your family , but I also hope that you realise that you matter and are worth so much .
    You are young enough and with the right person have lots of things to share , explore and live for . At the moment you are just existing and that's not good for anyone .
    I'm so glad that you have opened up and had the care and support that you need on here and as others have said, we wish we could practically help out as well be an emotional support.
  18. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter

    There might be actions which are being taken now ( someone mentioned about OP leaving the family home, joint accounts etc) which have implications if it comes to divorce in the future. It is worthwhile the op knowing these.
  19. frangipani123

    frangipani123 Lead commenter

    It's a complex situation and you're clearly very unhappy, so something needs to change.

    Having experienced a high level of pain for a couple of years myself, and taken strong painkillers that made me feel like a zombie, and in one case changed my personality (tramadol) I now always have sympathy for someone in pain. A good friend has intermittent gout and he finds it excruciating, and at times has to use a walking stick. That said, your husband needs to take his painkillers and take responsibility for getting them. I imagine they are on repeat prescription. Is there any hope of the gout going away? He does sound depressed and the tooth example just re-inforces it. If he stays indoors all the time too, he may be Vit D deficient which results in fatigue. However, he is an adult, a partner and a father so needs to take charge of his health so that he can fully participate in family life.

    You say that you go out several times a week and that he looks after the children. Could you arrange a babysitter and go out with him for one of those nights so that you can discuss what you've said here? People have mentioned counselling, that would seem to be a good idea to me. As you have children, I feel all avenues need to be explored. You plan to do a doctorate for three years - how would you support yourself through this? Would you have to change your plans if you separate.

    I agree that if you go down the route of divorce you need to get all your ducks in a row - get legal advice on the position with your house etc. It might be in your name, but as he has been paying towards bills, that might have an impact. Think about the reality of being a divorced couple - your two children going backwards and forwards to another household, their safety there (you have concerns now), the impact on them long term.
    JosieWhitehead likes this.
  20. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    I don't know the OP or her husband or kids. I have no knowledge what the impact of divorce would mean to them, nor what might happen to accelerate thing beyond control when meddlers suggest taking control of joint accounts etc.

    This is purely a matter for the couple involved. When the OP tells us she is studying for a doctorate, I'd suggest she won't be so naive as to be incapable of taking care of her finances. This doesn't exclude the possibility of emotional naivety though, which the majority of us suffer from.
    monicabilongame likes this.

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