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At the end of my tether

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    In a funny sort of way this impresses me, not least as the antidote to the chaotic past you mention. All you need now is a bunker, in case Trump does what he's threatening to do.

    On the day after it'll be cockroaches, Keith Richards, and Jude Fawley emerging from the rubble to re-start humankind. I just hope cockroaches like electric guitar and offbeat tastes in music. :)
  2. Lara mfl 05

    Lara mfl 05 Star commenter

    Oh orkrder, such a very, very difficult situation and you've had some superb advice.
    Don't worry about that. At least here it's 'safe' to let it out and try to get somethings straight in your head. :)

    I think the concensus of opinion is
    amongst others advising the same thing.
    Yes I think he needs an ultimatum.
    Whether that leads to a separation, divorce . . . leave that decision a while. For now YOU need to be able to take a step out of the situation. For your own health's sake and that of your children.

    As others have said don't even give this a moment's thought.

    I truly hope he will 'mend his ways' at some point in the future, but if not you and your children deserve to live a life of your own.

    Can I just retell an incident to offer some hope. Someone I know basically banned her father from visiting as a result of a serious incident. Things have been really frosty for over a year, but only this week, there was a tentative move forward towards a reconciliation.:) It may take a while but any step towards change is a step forward on that journey.
  3. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    This is the crux of it.

    If I am going to be a single mum, I want to be able to meet people who take an interest in me, make me feel attractive and wanted, even if it's only for a short while. As it is, I can't because I'm supposed to have someone at home that does all that stuff. But I don't.

    I just want to feel like someone's got my back and I'm part of a team. :(
  4. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Thank you all for your advice, honestly everyone. I'm feeling a lot better and not as emotional as this morning. Took my kids into the food market in town (he didn't come obviously, because it's a 10 minute walk - 2000 steps according to my fitbit - and I refused to drive) and treated them to far more sweets than I intended. He's now napping in the other room while we're in the main living room watching Moana (which is fantastic btw, not least because the music is written by my biggest crush Lin Manuel Miranda *swoon*).

    I'm going to have to give him an ultimatum. I won't be very popular with his family. They baby him and treat him with kid gloves (they didn't tell him about his mother's breastcancer for 2 years until she was given the all clear because they thought her treatment might upset him) and his brother (who made a pass at me last Christmas interestingly enough) told me that I couldn't leave Mr Ork because he really did love me and I owed it to him to stay (?).

    But you're all right. It needs to be done. Ultimatum needs to be given and followed through. I'm just looking for excuses to put it off because it's going to be horrible and difficult and stressful and I'm hoping to do this 3 year doctorate next year so it's not exactly the ideal time to start thinking about divorce and all the financial problems that comes with that. But it can't carry on like this either.
  5. thatmaninthehat

    thatmaninthehat Occasional commenter

    It doesn't really matter what is causing him to behave in such an unreasonable manner. The point is you deserve a better life than this.
  6. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Yes, he loves you. Like a mum!

    Tell him he can keep his comfy billet but you'll be going out a lot. You'll do your doctorate and you'll give him a call if you plan to stay out the night. Because, if you get a better offer, you will be having yourself a bit of fun. He may have the energy of an octogenarian but you're a young woman. And a young woman has needs. He has what he wants and you're not going to rock the boat because neither of you can afford to do so and you will continue in this vein but you are looking around you. If you get a better offer then you will go for it because, as far as you can see, he doesn't give a damn about what you want or need and where's the 50/50 in this marriage?
  7. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter


    One good thing is that I do go out a lot. I get every Saturday night out with friends in the pub because he's got a game lined up with his buddies. Sometimes other nights too. I have a lot of male friends from there (some who I think would be happy if it became more) and he knows I go to hang out with them. He says he trusts me. But part of me is now wondering if he's actually hoping that I'll be getting it on with someone else as then that's another job off his list.
    kibosh, lindenlea and slingshotsally like this.
  8. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    That sounds like a hiding to nowhere to me. And it will cause all sorts of misery and strife.
  9. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    The secret people who come round and admire his sofa.
  10. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Agreed. I'm already dealing with one problem man, the last thing I need is to think about adding others to the mix!
  11. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    slingshotsally likes this.
  12. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    Ha ha. That's exactly what I wondered. More to Jude than meets the eye!
    kibosh and InkyP like this.
  13. cosmosinfrance

    cosmosinfrance Star commenter

    You've had some very good advice ork; all I would add is be careful when issuing ultimatums. Be absolutely certain you know what you want to achieve and be prepared to carry it out.
    None of this will be easy and I wish you all the very best for a resolution you will be happy living with.
  14. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    Ask yourself the question "Will this situation get any better if I do nothing ?"

    If the answer is no then you must do something about it.
  15. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    In no way wishing to trivialise this, but in my mind's eye I can see a note on the door of his room:

    Dear Ork

    Have decided to get a divorce, a doctorate and a life - your pizza is in the PS4.

    Mrs Ork

    (Sorry, couldn't resist, hope it hits the light relief button) :)
  16. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    I assume your man has had all the tests to be sure its Gout.No doubt if he is putting on weight he is not following a diet to lower weight..probably lack of exercise puts on the weight.of sysmpathy eating.
    Is he drinking enough water or any other recommendations that having gout is useful for..because gout is a build up of uric acid in the blood and this can be caused by many things.

    We men never like to admit we are ill.i never used to when i was young.....and my wife used to watch me and realise i was hiding pain and suffering....then again she does the same. However, you might find he is frightened as well as in pain and so diesnt want to admit to the fear he has.
    Its been suggested that you going to the doctor ight be useful...i do that for me, but see for the wife and often the doctor will then take action.
    He might need a dose of hospitalisation to help sort out the pain and the doctor can ask to see him then suggest this course of action.
    Yes, he seems an idiot for not sorting himself out, he might be all the other things others have suggested, he might be suffering to be man like,he might even not realise the problems he is causing you.
    Unfortunately, at the end of the day you might have to leave him to suffer......and if he is not realising the pain and worry you suffer then you might have no other choice.A lot will depend upon whether you love him enough to put up with the hassle. yet even love has a point at which it cant take any more.
    I hope you sort it out.x
    JosieWhitehead and kibosh like this.
  17. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Definitely gout. Confirmed with blood tests. Lack of mobility is contributing to his weight, but he also eats junk constantly, even though he will swear on his mother's life that he doesn't. The empty crisp packets and biscuit boxes don't get there by themselves.
    I've tried to get him to drink more water, and I can't monitor that during the day but he says he does (I suspect that's a lie though).
    He's tried cherry juice, admittedly only for like a day or so before he gave up.
    Everything is too much effort. He's just completely stuck in his ways and wants to sit, eat **** and play ps and that's it.
    kibosh likes this.
  18. secretsiren

    secretsiren Star commenter

    First of all - I'm really sorry. Life sometimes sucks a lot.

    Ask yourself some questions: where is this going to be in a year, five years, ten years? Is he likely to change? If not, you may have spent your late 30s and all your 40s stuck in a marriage where you are miserable, unsupported and frustrated, not to say worried about your children. Do you have any love or desire left for your husband? Do you get any support (emotional, physical, mental)? It doesn't sound like it.

    You're not abandoning him because he's ill. You may choose to leave him because you get one life, and being stuck in a kiss-less marriage with someone who won't see the doctor, won't control his own behaviour and is rude to his own family is not bearable. In the meantime, have a metaphorical ((hug)).
    JosieWhitehead, InkyP, kibosh and 3 others like this.
  19. Moony

    Moony Lead commenter

    I'm coming to this late and I'm so pleased that you are feeling more focused and happier with a plan. Whilst the situation was completely different to yours I ended up calling things off with my ex because (whilst he was genuinely a nice guy) things had fizzled to the point I had all the restrictions that you have with being in a relationship but with none of the good stuff. That sounds a bit like what you have here Orkrider and I really hope you can sort that because I know how unfunny that is to be in that position.

    One thing I would say is, and I'm assuming that you are paying the bulk of the bills, don't be the one to walk away from the house if you are paying a mortgage. As I understand that can cause problems come separation time, it's a comment I heard years ago.

    It also strikes me, and several here have possibly thought it but not said it, that him not taking his health seriously is putting lives at risk. You said about your youngest being a Houdini, well if he's not fit enough to manage to run after him then he is putting the child's life at risk and that's effectively neglect on his part. Theres also the fact that with failing to get his treatable health issues treated he's not being an active Dad to your kids. Is that what you want for them?

    I'm also amazed that the GP hasn't cut off his prescriptions sooner. I have hypothyroidism and I'll be honest I can be a bit **** with managing it properly. Although with me it's just forgetting to pick up prescriptions in a timely manner and occasionally needing the doctors to threaten to cut off my supply of thyroxine to make me remember to book my blood tests. I've only had that threat once/twice but it gave me the kick I needed, it's also why I'm amazed he's still got a supply when he's ignored the need for blood tests for years. For me it would just make my life so much easier if I had more than 28 days worth at a time and some manner to test my levels at home the way diabetics do.

    Irrispective of me going off on a tangent he does not at this point in time deserve you, and you don't deserve to be expected to have to look after him. Sod what his family think it's what you and your children need. And you don't need someone that's self invalided themselves in this sort of deliberate and wilful manner. Yes mental health could be an issue here but that can only be a mitigating factor for so long.

    You deserve hugs and snogs and your kids deserve someone that engages with them fully to the best of their ability despite medical issues.
    sabrinakat and kibosh like this.
  20. thatmaninthehat

    thatmaninthehat Occasional commenter

    Have you thought through all the implications of a divorce?Financial?kids etc?Doesn't sound like his family are going to support you so you'll need to be thick-skinned to get through it.Do you have any close family of your own who'll help you? By all means try the ultimatum approach first but I think at best he'll maybe just go through the motions of appearing to sort himself out for a while.Hoping you have a nice evening in the pub tonight as a switch- off .Think carefully about the advice you've been given on here.As far as anyone knows for sure we only have one life.
    frangipani123 and kibosh like this.

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