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At the end of my tether

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    ((((Orkrider2)))) this does not sound like any kind of life for you. It is definitely time for drastic action which includes the possibility of walking away.

    He is killing himself at the moment. Leaving him will be better than staying with him and allowing this to continue.

    I agree with @silkywave's advice about talking to your GP, who is presumably also his GP.
  2. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    You beat me to it, Jude. I was going to say that this meticulous forward planning, and storing of items, is a direct result of your chaotic, hapless parenting, the childhood of neglect. You've got a survivalist mindset. You're all sorted for the Zombie Apocalypse ;)

    As to Ork's situation. I've been thinking about this most of the morning. I think you have been very brave, Ork, in opening up about this, getting some feelings and thoughts out in the open. Strong, capable people often find it hard to burst that bubble of 'stuff' as they are so used to being the strong one, the reliable and responsible one, the fixer, the go-to-person, the one that multi-tasks, and in your case taking on the role of father and mother for 3 children and a *passive aggressive procrastinator trapped in the body of an adult man. There are so many ways of looking at your husband's behaviour, and yours, but I can't help but feel that primarily he has sabotaged your chances as a family unit. The sabotage is rarely a conscious thing, but it leads to the same results as that of a deliberate act of sabotage. Instead of climbing into the harness next to you, and helping you pull that heavy sleigh together as a team, he has climbed onto the sleigh, adding his weight to an already heavy load, leaving you to pull it all by yourself.

    I know you don't want advice but . .

    1. Is it time to recognise this is no longer a phase he is going through, but is in fact who he is? You've simply taken over the job that his mother used to do.
    2. Is it time to stop making excuses for his behaviour?
    3. Is it time to put you and the real kids first?
    4. Is it time to start getting practical about things and looking at finances and how you might manage on your own?
    5. Or do you think there is something worthwhile to salvage from all this?

    * Thanks to the person who started a thread a while back about passive aggressive procrastinators . . it was a real 'ah ha' moment for me, finally being able to give a name to a set of behaviours that I'm familiar with, but didn't know how to describe succinctly.
  3. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    Who do you send these to?
    frangipani123 and Dunteachin like this.
  4. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Ooops. Ignore that. I've just realised there's been loads more posts since I started writing that post. I'm so slow! gr.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  5. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    Presumably he'd have to pay maintenance for the children if you split up. He sounds more like a child to me than a 'good guy'.
  6. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    kibosh and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  7. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Lead commenter

    Well, I'm very happy with my lifestyle and if I ever watch Dr Phil or people in prison meeting people not in prison and all blubbing or even a BBC series on inner peace (I couldn't live by the sea) I see that happiness doesn't have to involve getting up close and personal with other people.

    I observe them from a distance and it suits me well.

    But I still think that people in relationships should buy a travel kettle and go to Brancaster beach and tell the other people that they love them and then make a cup of tea.

    This is from the theorist point of view.

    I know that family life isn't at all easy.
    frangipani123 and slingshotsally like this.
  8. vannie

    vannie Star commenter

    @Orkrider2 I'm so sorry that this is haiiening to you. Obviously nobody on an Internet forum is well placed to give advice so I'm not going to.
    Whatever you decide to do remember that you're only young and you have as much right to be happy as anyone else.
    Sending you a big hug.

    Edited for fat fingers.
    slingshotsally and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  9. thatmaninthehat

    thatmaninthehat Occasional commenter

    I once lived with someone like Mr Oak but without the health issues.He is almost certainly high functioning autistic from what you've described.He will never change because he can't.Please think of yourself and children and leave him.I wasted years of my life before I realized this person only needed me and had slowly isolated us both.
  10. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    thank you for all of this. It sums up how I feel completely. He saw this marriage and our relationship as a way of passing off adult responsibilities, rather than sharing them. I do wonder if it's because he was very ill as a child and spent a lot of time in hospital, being cared for. His mother doted on him and the root of his weight issues are because there were years at a time when he did little but play whatever the 80s version of the playstation and eat McDonalds. He wasn't expected to do anything he didn't want to do, including school.
    Even now, his dad still paid his car insurance until I took that over.
    He hasn't even changed his address on official documents to reflect that he lives with me because effort.
    He is a man-child.

    I just feel so stupid. When I met him, he was everything my abusive ex wasn't - kind, gentle, laid-back, complimentary, fun, listened to me, didn't put me down all the time, etc. I felt like he appreciated me.
    I don't know when that changed or why, but it was before the birth of our 1st child together (my middle one), and I got pregnant on the honeymoon, so it was probably around the time we got married. Not deliberate probably, but maybe he felt like now it was official, he didn't have to try anymore. I was his responsibility now.

    And he still is. Because who can divorce a guy because he got too ill?
    bonxie, slingshotsally and kibosh like this.
  11. thatmaninthehat

    thatmaninthehat Occasional commenter

    Sounds exactly like the person I was involved with.He will never change and it isn't your fault he is so ill.Please get yourself out of the relationship.
    EmanuelShadrack and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  12. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    It wouldn't be because he got too ill. It would be because he made no effort to deal with his illness! How dare he breathe the stench from a rotten tooth all over you, when he could go to the dentist and get it fixed?
  13. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    But you wouldn't be divorcing him for that reason. You would be divorcing him for not caring enough (about any of you, or himself) to try and get better.
  14. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    Still worth getting an objective second opinion perhaps?

    If that's not depression it's a bloody good imitation of it.

    Oh yes it is, and here's why:

    Try hiding the cables for his PS4 for a month and see how reasonably he behaves. We all have quirks and foibles and even fixations, but something's not right here @Orkrider2.
  15. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Snap to zizzy.
  16. thatmaninthehat

    thatmaninthehat Occasional commenter

    He isn't depressed. He has autistic spectrum disorder.The PS4 obsession nails it for me.I lived with someone like this for 15 years.
    pepper5 and slingshotsally like this.
  17. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Nah. Nothing else about him comes across as autistic spectrum at all. Or depressed.

    It's not like any of this is a compulsion, or that he's overcome with apathy or anything else. It's like he's decided that his ultimate dream in life is to sit on the sofa with people bringing him drinks and food from time to time, with no real adult responsibilities, and to play games / watch films / take naps as and when he wants.
    And he's carved out a relationship with me where he can live that dream.

    I know from things that he's said to other people and to me, that he has no idea how I can possibly be unhappy in this relationship because from his point of view, aside from the nagging, we've got the perfect setup and it could not be improved in anyway whatsoever. He thinks everything is absolutely brilliant in our life, our marriage, everything. Because living like this is his idea of the perfect life.
  18. Duke of York

    Duke of York Star commenter

    Nor me. At least not any to this specific case and the similar ones that crop up from time to time, giving just one side of the story.

    I will just say this.

    Around 40 years ago, I sat drinking coffee with the two colleagues I shared the workshop with discussing the marriages and relationships of the rest of the dept. We concluded that all of them were overly complicated, mismatched and none of them would do for us. Then the oldest of us said "Well at least we're alright." and we all laughed.

    It would be a sad world if we were all the same, but humans seek patterns in everything in their attempt to make sense of the world. Each of us are the product of our separate lifetime's experiences, which are patently never the same.

    What works for any of us can rarely be replicated in the lifestyle of another. All we can do is be supportive. Individuals have to resolve these matters themselves in the way that only they can.
  19. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    I don't think we need to diagnose HIM.

    He's basically a waste of a skin (as I hear it put so elegantly on TV sometimes).

    You're his mum. Which would be OK if that was a role you enjoyed playing. But you don't. You are actually thirsting for a bit of friendship/intimacy. Which you are not getting.

    You are obviously a very good organiser etc. You don't need a man for that. But you do need a man to give you a bit of zest and appreciation. This one is not that man.
  20. monicabilongame

    monicabilongame Star commenter

    You could just tell him you're taking out life insurance on him. Because when he kills himself through neglect or some totally curable infection that he hasn't bothered to sort out, you and the kids will need the money....

    And you could refuse to anything for him that he should be doing for himself - concentrate your attention on the real kids who do need you, so you know that at least they are safe.

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