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At the end of my tether

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    He had disengaged from Medical professionals, showing apathy, angry when you express concern about his health...

    I'm not going to be popular- but I'll post anyway.

    You say this has been going on for over a year, and you've tried very hard to help him. So, in the MONTHS prior to the birth of your last child, he had disengaged/refused to manage his condition, knowing that you might need his help after the birth? He was not prepared to ensure he was taking medication and ensure he was physically able to support you and the children at that crucial time!

    Separation may be the only choice, for your own well being, Think carefully how much attention you are giving him,

    Keep walking, continue onwards, and live your life with your children. You've done ALL you can. For years! How exhausting is that. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your duty.

    He is neglecting himself by not following up on blood tests, taking his medications and actively seeking to change his diet, or researching his condition.

    Whilst other's might suggest couples counselling :)rolleyes:eek:_O:oops::oops::oops:), I suggest self-preservation and a life of hope.

    I'm all for supporting someone, being patient, but I'm not a saint.
  2. zizzyballoon

    zizzyballoon Star commenter

    Oh no no no no no no! A rotten stinking tooth and a stinking pus- leaking toe, 8 stone of excess weight, self pity and all the rest of it. You've backed a loser, Orkrider. Chuck him out. Have done with him. If he won't help himself, why should you be helping him, along with looking after the children too and yourself? Enough is enough. :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
  3. slingshotsally

    slingshotsally Star commenter

    He'll end up with an amputation.

    He is being overtly aggressive towards her because he doesn't rely on her to help him day to day. The reason he's being slightly less verbally abusive to you, is because you are more use day to day to him.

    Either leave- or pack his bags and get him to leave.

    This is misery. Is he emotionally abusive to the children, too?
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  4. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    To me it sounds like your husband is seriously depressed - but you must do something and if that ends in a parting of the ways then so be it.

    Good luck Orky - it's not a nice picture of family life at present that you paint
  5. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    I'm really torn... I believe couples should work to make their marriages work...

    But reading this I think you've tolerated more than enough ... 2 years no kissing? Heck my wife can barely get through two hours without me kissing her [unless she's asleep... I give her a break then]...

    I was going to say something like ''3 kids on your own''... but from the sounds of it you're working with 4 kids on your own at the moment...
  6. Laphroig

    Laphroig Senior commenter

    So sorry to hear this, @Orkrider2. I have nothing to add to the advice here as it's all sensible and good. Hugs, though.
    slingshotsally and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  7. sabrinakat

    sabrinakat Star commenter

    Oh, orky - get out now. Give the ultimatium and if there is no improvement within a few days, kick him out.

    Biggest hugs :(
  8. blazer

    blazer Star commenter

    People I know who have gout swear by cherries. Cherry juice, fresh cherries or dried ones. Apparently there is some science behind this.
  9. baitranger

    baitranger Occasional commenter

    It could be that the drug he's been prescribed has very unpleasant side effects for him. Not every ailment has a remedy in the form of a drug with dangerous side effects.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  10. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    I think you've given it your best shot Ork. You've been his carer and that's fine by him because he's relied on you to sort it out. Lan's right, you've got four kids at the moment.

    Every instinct is to tell you to kick him out, but we're not you. Is there anything left of the person you married? Could you see a way through if he were to get his sheet together and start taking responsibility for himself, let alone his family? Would you feel worried or just relieved if you weren't together.

    Mr F periodically has gout and so does our son and people do smirk at it, but it isn't a laughing matter. But if Mr Ork won't do anything to help himself, except getting more unwell, I'd think he is suffering from anxiety and depression as well and it's really easy to get into that downward spiral. Perhaps it would jolt him into some sort of action if you were to kick him out. Drastic, but he won't get better without something drastic and he's not going to improve by doing nothing.

    I'm sorry you and he are in this situation.
  11. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    I agree here. Apathy about managing medical conditions is no less self-harm than barcoding your arms with something sharp. Seeking refuge in computer game world is also a kind of withdrawal from reality. Maybe some sort of ultimatum is needed along the lines of 'either help me to help you or help yourself'. Being ill is one thing, wallowing in it is something else. Some form of outside intervention is needed - you can only do so much.
  12. peakster

    peakster Star commenter

    You've got to the stage where some external help or advice is definitely needed
  13. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    These might be good pieces of advice for someone who wanted to help themselves but I think Mr Ork has gone way beyond this. He is almost certainly depressed but he needs to get help for this as well in order for his family to survive with any sanity (or indeed basic safety). Having considered this at more length I am still convinced an ultimatum is the only way to shake his ideas up.
  14. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Star commenter

    I look at these posts and realise I couldn't do any of this stuff involving living with other people.

    My life is completely the opposite. I have stores of stuff that is for months and years ahead.

    There isn't any aspect of my life that isn't prepared in advance. First aid kits in the house and car. Spare oil and other lubricants etc in the car. Teak oil bought in for the garden bench and table.

    Teabags, cereal, washing up liquid (in 5 Litre drums), washing liquid (in 5 litre drums) for a couple of years ahead. All bought at the exact right time when they're on offer. Soap, shampoo, toothpaste for months ahead.

    Everything planned to the minutest detail for years ahead. Bedding, towels, clothes, work clothes (I've just bought fifty pairs of work gloves), three pairs of overalls packed away to cover this coming year at work (I'm still using the present pair).

    Stamps, Christmas cards, birthday cards, envelopes, A4, A4 pads, A6 pads, biros.

    It's like a military campaign. But it works and I'm never stuck for anything.

    I'd drive any partner insane.

    And the next meal I need to prepare is tomorrow night's dinner (which I'll do tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. before work). So when I come in from work it's just clicking switches.

    My parents were chaotic in the way the lived. They bounced from one problem to the next. They were truly error-driven.
  15. Jude Fawley

    Jude Fawley Star commenter

    And, I had all my clocks and watches turned back an hour by 11 a.m. yesterday morning.
    slingshotsally likes this.
  16. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    I don't think he's depressed. He likes doing nothing. He doesn't have any hobbies aside from the PS, he doesn't really want to do anything apart from play PS. He has no desire to travel or go out to restaurants. When we first met, he had a lot of friends and was out all the time, but as soon as he settled down into my house, he chose not to bother anymore. He gets invited out, he'd rather stay home and chat to the mates he has on the PS. They all come together every night to carry out 'missions' or something. It's no different to being in the pub with your friends, except you're guaranteed a seat and you can eat pizza the whole time, and you don't have to worry about getting there, or washing or putting on clothes, he says.

    I'm making him sound worse than he is I'm sure. He is still a good guy. He's not emotionally abusive or anything like that, he's good with the kids. We get on well and still have a joke and a laugh when he's not in the other room. There's just no physical bond anymore, and I know I can't rely on him for anything because if it's even slightly hard or takes the tiniest bit of effort, he will let me down. So I'm pretty much a single mum as it is. I handle all the finances (including ALL of his - that's snuck up on me over the years), the majority of the housework, the DIY, childcare, etc. I need the money from his salary to afford to live, but that's all now. If I'm in trouble, or need to talk to someone, I turn to my friends. I'm not even sure if he could tell you what the name of the school I work in is. It's sad, but the marriage is pretty much over I think.
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  17. lindenlea

    lindenlea Star commenter

    You might want to seek some legal advice to find out how you can leave in the safest way for you and the children, legally and financially. I think you have to go which is an awful thing to say but why should you go through this anymore. if it shocks him into taking action that might open a way to going back, possibly.
  18. silkywave

    silkywave Lead commenter

    I’m racking my brain to think how to help? I suggest you go to your GP and repeat all this after all it is affecting your health as well. The GP may be able to visit him? I know my doctor would. It could be a start.
    Sounds like you need a break as well. Can you have a break away from him? This may make him realise he how much he needs you?
    It’s all very well saying kick him out but easier said than done!
    ((((((( Orkrider2 )))))))))
    pepper5, sabrinakat, InkyP and 2 others like this.
  19. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    Clearly a man ahead of his time.
  20. nomad

    nomad Star commenter

    I don't know what advice I can offer either. However, is sounds to me that he has lost his self-worth. Not some of it - all of it.

    How to address that problem is a task for someone with greater expertise in these matters than I have.
    pepper5, frangipani123, InkyP and 3 others like this.

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