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At the end of my tether

Discussion in 'Personal' started by Orkrider2, Oct 28, 2017.

  1. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Sorry, this is more of a wail into the void than a need for any kind of answers, but as the title says, I'm absolutely at the end of my tether.

    Husband is 40 and has gout. This was discovered about 10 years ago. He was put on an initial dose of allopurinol to manage it, and told to come back in 6 months to have blood tests and adjust the dose up to something that's appropriate for him. Needless to say, he didn't go back, he didn't get the dose adjusted and he lived in constant pain with attacks every 6 weeks or so because the dose is far too low.
    Two years ago, it got to boiling point after a flare up coincided with the birth of my 3rd child (via c-section) and 48 hours after my op, he retired to his sick bed because it was too painful to walk, leaving me to cater for 2 older kids and a newborn and all the medications I was supposed to take by myself. It was a week of absolute hell for me and the worst pain I've ever been in and he just ducked out and thought only of himself. If it weren't for the eldest Orklet, I don't know how the kids and I would have coped.

    Anyway, that nearly caused a divorce and he promised to go back to the doctors and get the dose of his medication sorted. He did, the dose was doubled, but that is still a very small dose for a very large man, and the doctor estimated he'd need something more like 6 times the amount he was currently taking, but wanted to increase slowly with blood tests inbetween to check when the dosage was right. Sensible eh? Needless to say, husband didn't return to the doctor and has remained on the second dose for the last 2 years, continuing to have almost constant flareups, living with constant pain. His mobility is severely restricted now. It takes him 5 minutes to get up from the sofa. 20 minutes to get out of bed. I'm getting scared of leaving the littlest with him because he can't chase him. The other week, he got the baby out of the car, put him down and baby bolted across the carpark. Husband couldn't chase him (or even walk after him - he shuffles and limps) so we're just lucky that there were no cars coming. It terrifies me that we won't be so lucky next time, but I can't physically be there with them all the time so it's a constant worry when I'm at work and he's doing the pick ups from nursery.

    Last week I checked in the medicine cupboard and he's all out of allopurinol, so can't be taking this medicine he needs daily. I've given it a week in case he was keeping them at work, but no, there are none. He's also run out of his prescription for naproxen, which he usually takes when he's having a severe flare up. So all he's left with is 400mg tablets of ibuprofen, and some colchicine.

    Recently he's been getting sick a lot. Like vomit sick. Both ibuprofen and colchicine are not great for your stomach, and all my instincts are screaming that he's been overdoing the painkillers because he's run out of his prescription some time ago and so is in increasing amounts of pain. All this rather than take 10 minutes to make a doctors appointment and go get a blood test.

    I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep on top of his medical stuff. I can't keep nagging at him because I can't stand it and he just gets angry and sulks for days. But I can't keep limiting my life according to whether he'll be able to walk the 20 yards from here to there or not, especially when he can't be bothered to go and at least try and get better. All he wants to do, all the time is sit in his den and play the PS4. Every night for hours. He's made no effort to lose weight or increase his mobility in the times when he isn't in chronic pain - which are now very rare. He's happy to sit and become someone who has worse mobility than most 80 year olds, is in constant pain and as a result is always grumpy and irritable, because it's less effort than trying to get better.

    I can't anymore. I don't even think there's enough of the marriage left worth saving. The only thing I feel when I look at him is resentment now.
     
  2. InkyP

    InkyP Star commenter

    I really don't know what to say, I hope someone will be along with some advice but in the meantime my gut reaction is to give him an ultimatum because, at present, he's not contributing much to family life.
     
    bonxie, Lara mfl 05 and FrankWolley like this.
  3. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Sorry to read this Ork... very sorry to...

    Have you tried any form of counselling? I know us men can be difficult when it comes to going to the doctors* but maybe in a neutral environment he'd be able to see how difficult you are finding things?

    * anyone from Well Well Well is laughing right now.
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  4. dunnocks

    dunnocks Star commenter

    this sounds horrible. I am sorry you have to put up with this. It sounds irrational too, why would he live with so much pain if it is unnecessary? It sounds as much a mental health problem as a physical one. (((Ork)))
     
    Lara mfl 05, FrankWolley and InkyP like this.
  5. lizziescat

    lizziescat Star commenter Forum guide

    Oh ((( orkrider))))), no real advice but didn't want to read and run.

    I'd print out a copy of your op and leave it on his PS4 . His reaction might be the best advice.
     
  6. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    So in effect you've gradually become his carer because of his apparent aversion to medication. Perhaps an approach to an organisation that cares for carers, for some advice on what to do next? Whilst your situation is distressing to read about it can't be unique, nor his situation for that matter. Knowing that you're not alone can be an important first step towards a solution.

    Alternatively an approach to a GP with whom you feel you can talk.
     
    ilovesooty likes this.
  7. Andy_91

    Andy_91 New commenter

    He is angry at being ill and relatively young. He doesn't know he's angry. Gout is also a comedy illness, so he's probably ashamed as well. I can understand playing the PS4 - -he could lose the painwhile he focuses on that.

    Two things. 1 Caring for an invalid is never fun, and 2 it is rare that anyone with a worsening illness remains cheery, grateful and upbeat, but you do need for there to be something in it for you and the kids.

    Ultimatum time: find a private counsellor who specialises in couple's counselling. Tell him it's non negotiable. The counsellor will either help resolve your issues (because you will be doing something irritating as well - he isn't 100% *******) or lead you gently to a breakup.

    Give him 3 months (or whatever) to think about it. Then if not, start separation or divorce proceedings. Living with a martyr sucks and apparently we aren't allowed to burn martyrs at the stake now.
     
  8. Andy_91

    Andy_91 New commenter

    See below
     
  9. Andy_91

    Andy_91 New commenter

    He is angry at being ill and relatively young. He doesn't know he's angry. Gout is also a comedy illness, so he's probably ashamed as well. I can understand playing the PS4 - -he could lose the painwhile he focuses on that.

    Two things. 1 Caring for an invalid is never fun, and 2 it is rare that anyone with a worsening illness remains cheery, grateful and upbeat, but you do need for there to be something in it for you and the kids.

    Ultimatum time: find a private counsellor who specialises in couple's counselling. Tell him it's non negotiable. The counsellor will either help resolve your issues (because you will be doing something irritating as well - he isn't 100% evil) or lead you gently to a breakup.

    Give him 3 months (or whatever) to think about it. Then if not, start separation or divorce proceedings. Living with a martyr sucks and apparently we aren't allowed to burn martyrs at the stake now.
     
    calamansi likes this.
  10. Mangleworzle

    Mangleworzle Star commenter

    Some years ago (quite a lot now) we were all similarly having bigger issues with Mrs. M's illness than it seemed she was herself. I went to the doctor on a pretext about myself and then brought up the situation with her (she went to the same doctor). It seemed she wasn't telling the doctor anywhere near the whole truth and he believed me as what I said fitted into what he had seen and been told. Slowly, the situation was rectified.

    I think also you need to confront him with the stark truth, that this isn't just HIS illness, it is something that is affecting the whole family, he needs to deal with the illness that is affecting you all and which CAN be dealt with quite easily rather than being voluntarily disabled. Are there family members you can recruit to help get the message across too?

    This also. It sounds like he is using the illness as an excuse to retreat from his life. You need to start somewhere though and for what it's worth I think addressing the relatively simple matter of medication is the place to begin.
     
  11. lexus300

    lexus300 Star commenter

    Is there a neutral family member on his side that you can bring in to talk with him?
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  12. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Oh.

    That truly sucks.

    He sounds like a right selfish ducker.

    What do you need to make it worthwhile carrying on? What's his contribution or does he represent a net drain on the family. Is he a Germany or a Greece or somewhere in the middle?

    I love this! (below)

     
    EmanuelShadrack likes this.
  13. drvs

    drvs Lead commenter

    :(
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  14. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    They are relying on me because they've spent years trying to get him to sort himself out.

    Mother in law was over here the other week practically sobbing and saying that he needed to sort himself out, he needs to get his gout sorted so that he can start to exercise and lose some weight (he's about 8 stone overweight atm) and he told her to eff off (in those words), called her a meddling b****. He doesn't do that to me, it's more self-pitying "I know, I must do something, I will, I promise etc."

    He doesn't care though. He's got an infection in his toe as well that oozes pus and blood all over the place. It's been like that for a year. He just doesn't care. It's not our business. He has an infection in his tooth, which doesn't cause him pain but does smell really bad. As a result I said I'm not kissing him till he gets it sorted because it's gross. That was over 2 years ago and we haven't kissed since. I'm only 40, I'm not hideous, this shouldn't be how life is now.

    I cried the other day because someone hugged me and it was the first time a grown up had hugged me in about 6 months. Sad but true. :(
     
  15. Orkrider2

    Orkrider2 Star commenter

    Thank you all, didn't mean just to reply to Lexus. Don't know what's happened today but something's opened the floodgates and it's all just pouring out at the moment. :(
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.
  16. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Happens to us all... better to let it out than bottle it up.


    [walks away slapping himself for being a hypocrite]
     
  17. lexus300

    lexus300 Star commenter

    If I knew you, you would have another hug too :)
     
    Alice K, Lara mfl 05, InkyP and 2 others like this.
  18. grumpydogwoman

    grumpydogwoman Star commenter

    Amazed you have held it together for so long!

    You deserve to let it out. Even his own mother is driven to despair.

    You don't need this. Kick him out. Tell him he can come back when he's fixed his tooth. From now on he can find a budget hotel or go to his mother. Then he has a week to get his toe sorted or he gets thrown out again. And so on.
     
  19. lanokia

    lanokia Star commenter

    Ouch...

    Yeah somehow you got to get him to sort his sheet out. Because that bit there, that shocked me.
     
    Alice K and Lara mfl 05 like this.
  20. coffeekid

    coffeekid Star commenter

    You poor thing.
     
    Lara mfl 05 likes this.

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