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Assauledt by partner

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by rockchick7, Mar 19, 2011.

  1. Please help me because I have noone to turn to. Last night I argued with my partner over the cooking and cleaning or lack of on his part. As often happens he got very angry. I started recording his rant on my phone which I realise was provocative but I wanted evidence of his unreasonable behaviour - maybe I thought if he could hear himself he would learn to control his temper. Anyway he said he was going to take my phone and smash it. He grabbed me and tried to wrestle the phone off me. I tried very hard to stop him and in the end had to beg him not to and plead how sorry I was. He eventually let go of me. I am currently off work at the moment recovering from surgery which in my mind makes it quite brutal. I locked myself in the bathroom but he used tools to undo the lock from the outside. I got in the car to leave but he held the car door preventing me from going. I can not move very fast at the moment so could not shut the door quick enough. My family all live at the other end of the country and I am too ashamed to seek support from my friends. He is very sorry today but says he was angry and provoked. I think he sees it all as less serious than me. I don't know what to do. I feel if I were able to forgive I would be giving the wrong message to my teenage son and should not accept this in anyway. I feel like going to the police to see if they can impress upon him how unacceptable this is but do not know how this would affect my son. He says the police would laugh at me. I just need someone elses perspective on this. Maybe I am over reacting.
     
  2. Oh no - have just spotted typo in title of thread. I was typing through tears so making mistakes.
     
  3. Don't worry about the mistakes.
    Only you can make the decision to leave and look after yourself. Abusers will always be so 'sorry' the next day and make you feel guilty. It will never be their fault. They will find reasons as to how you made them angry and you provoked them and you are all to blame. It is all part of the control, as is the laughing over people not believing you or taking your seriously.
     
  4. You are not overreacting rockchick. You have a son to think of too - you don't say how old he is and this cannot be good for him to witness. The police take domestic violence more seriously now than they used to so you need not be afraid that they will laugh at you.
    PFF is right, this will not get better. I can't advise you to leave - only you know what you are able to do but I wish you and your son a happy ending.
     
  5. voodoo child

    voodoo child New commenter

    Get out now with your child and go to the police. Between 6 - 10% of women suffer domestic violence in a given year according to the Council of Europe so it is very common. He won't change and you will get used to it and your child will suffer as he sees what is being done to you. Good luck.
     

  6. I agree with the others. You were assaulted and you should report it.
     
  7. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    I would definitely not be pretending all is ok.When my ex got violent he only did it once. As you say, it is no example to your children to see a relationship like that which was a large part of my thinking at the time. The problem with reporting it to the police is that presumably you will still be living with him. Personally I would have found that a hard thing to do as i would have been even more scared of repercussions. In my case he went away to work for a while and then we split up. You need to think hard about whether you trust him to not do something like that again or whether you want the relationship to continue.
     
  8. ROSIEGIRL

    ROSIEGIRL Occasional commenter

    http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
    They might be able to help you to clarify your thoughts?
    Take care.
     
  9. You say he gets angry very quickly and often. Is this the first time he has got physical with you? Not that I'm saying that being frightened, belittled, and verbally and emotionally abused isn't as bad, just that if this is the first time, it does suggest an escalation. You might be actually injured next time.
    He needs his card marking.
     
  10. I agree with the others, things can escalate, not quickly either.
    My friends husband [before they got married] pushed her over during a row. 6 months later he did it again and hit her head against the wall. A year later her strangled her until she blacked out. They are still together which I think is rediculous but I worry what he could do next time. He is dreadfully sorry afterwards.
    The police would not laugh at you, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Perhaps some sort of anger management would help him. I know a lot of men would baulk at the idea but if he is genuinely sorry then he should consider it.
    Keep safe and don't be afraid to ask for help x
     
  11. Thank you for all the replies. You can not imagine how good it is to be able to get support over something you don 't want to share with people who know you. I have not been to the police - yet! I need to know what the police would do so that I could decide whether or not it would be of benefit to me and my son. My partner has offered to leave if I wish it and he has also made an appointment to go to relate on Thursday to discuss the most appropriate type of support for them to offer. We are wondering if they may do anger management therapy. He has also listened to the recording of the event on my phone. He listened silently and then said he realised and admitted he was a domestic abuser. It felt a bit like someone admitting they were an alcoholic! He says he has always thought getting angry and blowing a fuse for a few minutes was better than bottling up annoyance and feeling stressed. We have discussed that it may be better for him but not for me. Although generally bad tempered he has only occasionally been physical (usually grabbing arms ) and has never hit me. I was worried when people pointed out that this could be an escalation but actually for many years now he has been much better. He says he has been dealing with it by walking away (usually whilst ranting) but on this occasion I followed him out of the room with my phone on record. I think I want to try and sort this because apart from a handful of incidents in 20 years we have been extremely happy. Maybe with counselling things can be even better.
     
  12. MrsArmitage

    MrsArmitage Occasional commenter

    Maybe it will, and I really hope that it all works out well for you. But do be prepared for the fact that maybe nothing can 'fix' this. I'm in counselling currently for a somewhat different form of domestic abuse, but it has made me see that the only behaviour I can control is my own. If he can't change, will you? You might need to start seeing someone professionally to enable yourself to say 'enough is enough' and to start looking after yourself and your kids. I really do hope that this all works out well for you though.xx
     
  13. You won't know how the police will act until you speak to them.
    I'm sure when he's calm and feeling a bit guilty he can see how his actions are hurting you. The problem is, the next time he is wound up or angry, his perspective will be different and he'll be less willing or able to listen to reason. You're still offering him excuses for his actions (following him to record), and he will use that next time he is angry. He'll blame you, and you'll let him.
    You need to consider your safety.
     
  14. voodoo child

    voodoo child New commenter

    Please do take the advice given seriously. The police are highly trained and sensitive to your needs - domestic violence is take very seriously indeed. Many women put up with masses of abuse before seeking help - the longer you leave it the harder it gets. Please do not put yourself or your child at risk. Hope things work out well for you.
     
  15. PlymouthMaid

    PlymouthMaid Occasional commenter

    I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. Remember that your future is in your hands. I hope the police take it seriously but you need to consider a plan for yourself and your son if you are too scared to stay in your home.
     
  16. please go to the police and report him - i do understand it will be difficult but as someone who spent her childhood watching her father abuse her mother all i can say is get out now, it will be the best choice. My mum took 10 yrs to get out and it was the best move she made, she has spent years of abuse both physical and mental and it was dreadful.
    your son will understand that you are making the right choice and he will see that you are being strong for the two of you, your partner is banking on you doing nothing and his comments of the police will do nothing are far from the truth. I suggets that you also keep a diary of any incidents and photograph any injuries/bruises that he causes. The more information you have the stronger your case is, also www.womensaid.org.uk is a really good resource to look at

    i hope everything goes well for you - our thoughts are with you x
     

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