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Aspirations other than having a family

Discussion in 'Personal' started by becky70, Dec 7, 2011.

  1. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    For years being a mother has been my aspiration but it's looking less and less likely to happen. Now I'm wondering what to do next. My career has been well scuppered by infertility and at the moment I'm working really hard on my temporary contract but as I'm on UPS I don't know if I'll ever have a permanent contract again.
    So if you aren't/don't want to be a mother or father, what are you doing or planning to do with your life instead?
    If you are a mother or father, what do you think you would have done if you couldn't be a parent?
     
  2. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    For years being a mother has been my aspiration but it's looking less and less likely to happen. Now I'm wondering what to do next. My career has been well scuppered by infertility and at the moment I'm working really hard on my temporary contract but as I'm on UPS I don't know if I'll ever have a permanent contract again.
    So if you aren't/don't want to be a mother or father, what are you doing or planning to do with your life instead?
    If you are a mother or father, what do you think you would have done if you couldn't be a parent?
     
  3. bombaysapphire

    bombaysapphire Star commenter

    I am not and don't plan to be a mother. I am happy where I am on the career ladder.
    My aspiration is to enjoy my life. Any maternal instincts are invested in my doggies. Spending time out walking them is something I enjoy.
     
  4. Ruthie66

    Ruthie66 New commenter

    when it looked like we couldn't have children (we eventually adopted) I decided that I would
    1. enjoy my holidays and hobbies
    2. spoil my niece
    3. enjoy my work
    Now I'm too knackered to do anything much!
     
  5. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    i would like to write a novel. I'm planning to have saved enough to have bought another house by the time I'm 40 and let it out to aid me in my retirement! I want to ski; I want to travel all over America and I'd like to have children as well x
     
  6. If I didn't have children I would like to travel as much as possible to unusual places. See the world!!
     
  7. My parents had three children and have nevertheless managed careers and extensive travel. You might have to have these things one at a time instead of all together or wait until the children grow up, but having children doesn't disqualify you from having anything else for 70 years!
     
  8. In the last dark year after the miscarriages hit, and when I assumed they'd wrecked my body for good I'd gone through lots of this myself - trying to figure out exactly what the point of "me" was when my career was in tatters (I think you know I was in a similar position to you - trapped on supply, too far up the pay scale to ever get back into schools full-time... and my health wouldn't have stood it anyway) and as far as I was aware, my body was completely borked - and so much of how women in particular define themselves is by the children they've produced.
    It's a vile feeling - and crashed me into the blackest, grimmest depression I've ever known - and I'm convinced it was only getting one very raggedy rescue dog (and then my second dog) that kept me sane and gave me the butt-kicking to get out of bed some days. I don't know what the answer is - but I do know those feelings only too well. I was coping with it by throwing myself into the plan of having an awesome house and garden (scuppered by the dogs - the lawn now resembles a charred battlefield of craters) and that was about it really.
     
  9. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Thanks for replying, everyone, it is really interesting to hear your views.
    To deliasmithbook - I'm well aware that some people who have children do still have careers and travel particularly as their children get older but I was really asking about people who are childless as it looks like that's my future.
    I think we do have some things in common, MF! I certainly remember thinking my health wouldn't stand up to full time - that was the reason I went on supply. I've managed to go back full time (only on a temporary contract though) and my health is fine so I've been lucky. Just worried about what happens when my contract ends - I still keep an eye on the supply forum and it just sounds dire. No dogs - guess they do force you to get out of bed - but I've found my cats a great source of comfort.
     
  10. You have my sympathy, I was in this situation for more than 10 years, I travelled and did a lot of voluntary work. I sponsored children through sos children's village.I am a parent now, which might or might not happen to you in the end, but those 10 years have stood me in good stead, forthe experience and personal development I got froma them. If I had never had children, I would have still settled down eventually, probably with animalsand a mortgage, ( exactly what I have got now with children!) but still travelled more and further ,and more regularly.

    Hope things work out for you. I know I sound a bit complacement now I have the children I longed for, but life can have meaning, and excitement and gulfillment without them too., And if they arrive after a struggle and a long wait, you will appreciate them so much more.
    If you are on temparary contracts, are you in a positon to vary what you apply for for a wider experience and more challenge? I did prison teaching for a while.. hospital teaching, working as a governessabroad during school holidays?
    (((hugs)))

     
  11. I don't have children and will not be having any- not able to

    I do what I want to do....travel, play instruments...

    children aren't the only definition of happiness.

    you can either make yourself happy- and enjoy life- or let it destroy you....dont let that happen.
     
  12. bnm

    bnm

    I don't have children (and getting too old now) and am happy...but I've never made a plan for my life.
    I believe my life is now, not some aspiration in the future, and I usually enjoy at least some aspect of every day. I count my blessings and am constantly in shock as to how well I've ended up with a happy marriage, a secure home and a well paid job which I enjoy.
    I've been successful in my career, but I never planned it. I take life pretty much as it happens, and if something seems like a good idea at the time, I do it. (Including resigning from a permanent job to volunteer abroad. One of my better off-the-cuff decisions.)
    However, if there is something I'm not happy about, I take steps to change it if I can. So, for instance, when I've found myself living in a place where I know no one and I'm feeling miserable and lonely, I get up and out and join every club/society I see advertised whether I'm interested in it or not. When I've been in a job in which I've been miserable, I've taken active steps to either change the situation, or get myself another job. Of course, things come along which make me miserable which I can't change (watching dad die of lung cancer was the worst) and those times simply have to be ridden out.
    So, becky, are you happy? Do you count your blessings? Is there something you're miserable about that you can take steps to change?
    I wish you every happiness in your life now and in the future.
     
  13. I'm living my life and doing things I enjoy. i don't feel the need for a cause to devote my life to.
     
  14. Missed the point somewhat deliasmithbook. Becky- I'd have probably travelled and/or worked abroad; can you plan something amazing for thd summer holidays? Also like the idea of prison/hospital teaching as mentioned- you might find yourself another niche. Hugs xx
     
  15. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Thanks again, everyone. I can't really go and work abroad at the moment because I still want to live with my husband and he has a secure job and elderly parents. He doesn't want to give up his job and it is a source of financial security for us. At one point I did consider going away for a while to do voluntary work but I didn't want to leave him.
    I'm actually really enjoying being a class teacher again - just wish I could do it til I retire. I have had some fantastic days with my Year 1s so far. The hospital and prison teaching are interesting ideas for the future.
    Thanks for all the hugs and good wishes x
     

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