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Any one else asexual?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by crabapple99, Jan 22, 2012.

  1. Following a recent spate of items on the bbc, there has been a huge influx into the online asexual communities. I am amazed by the number of people joining, and saying they have only just realised others like them exist. It has made me wonder how many asexuals there are out in every corner of the community, hiding, acting, and wondering why they are different.
    An asexual is someone who does not feel sexual desire. I never have done. I do feel romantic atraction, as in I can feel mildly attracted to a man, enjoy his company, want to get to know him, possibly want a peck on the cheek or occasional hug. That's it, full stop, no more than that, and even going that far just isn't a priority with me, That makes my sexual orientation "romantic asexual".
    If anyone thinks this might apply to them or someone they know, you can find out more through AVEN ( asexual visibility and education network) If more people are aware of this orientation, hopefully future generations will fall victim to less confusions and misunderstndings.
  2. madenglishgirl

    madenglishgirl New commenter

    You must have had some kind of sexual desire once upon a time in order to have a child though, surely?
  3. joli2

    joli2 New commenter

    That suggests any child is only the accidental by-product of sexual desire, rather than planned. It is possible to 'have sex' without desire.
  4. madenglishgirl

    madenglishgirl New commenter

    Hmmm...maybe. I have a friend who does describe herself as asexual. The idea of sex is quite repugnant to her - much like the thought of hetrosexual sex is for a homosexual, I should imagine!
  5. Forgive me if this is a stupid question -but how is a relationship supposed to work long term if you both have very different needs?
    No matter in what constellation - hetero/homo, sexual/asexual, bi-sexual, polygamous, monogomous, etc p p...
    surely you need to have the same needs and desires?
    If we leave out the unfortunate example of someone having an injury and henceforth no longer capable of sex (which does not mean the desire is not there), how does it work if your needs and desires are at opposite ends of the pole?
  6. madenglishgirl

    madenglishgirl New commenter

    I have to say I agree...one of my past relationships broke up for exactly that reason - he suddenly decided that he was 'asexual'. Turs out we were no longer compatible.
  7. Thank you for your post Laurs. I'm really pleased to hear your relationship is working out. I have no insight at all into how a relationship like this would work, as I've never been in one, but there is a forum on the AVEN website specifically for people in your situation. Evidently people are involved in mixed relationships, and there seem to be quite a lot of them happy and succeccful. I've also been quite surprised at the number of people posting annonymously on AVEN, describling themselves as asexual, and explaining the lengths they go to to cover it up and hide it, sometimes from their own families and partners. I should think a relationship with such fundemental information hidden, must be much harder to maintain. Happily your partner is one of the ones who felt they could be open and honest with you.
  8. polly.glot

    polly.glot New commenter

    How terribly sad.
  9. mandala1

    mandala1 Occasional commenter

    I think giving a simple label to something that is complex and could have many and multiple causes is misguided.
  10. It's not a stupid question, and one that I have considered for a long time. I think it helps that in my situation, he was upfront and honest with me about his sexuality before we became an official couple. We didn't know when we first got together if it would work, in fact we did split up for 16 months before getting back together again.
    I think the key things are honesty and compromise. We can and do talk about everything sexual. There is no boundary to our conversations and that, for me is crucial. There is no pressure from either of us for someone to do something they aren't entirely comfortable with.
    Honestly, I get everything I need from him, affection, trust, honesty, love. Sex isn't a central part of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are times when it can be incredibly frustrating, but there are others when it isn't a problem.
    I'm not entirely sure if I've answered your question properly, but I'm not sure I can. All I know is that for some reason, somehow, we make it work.

  11. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    I'm not sure I fully understand. Can you clarify something for me please?. I read a BBC report on asexualism a few days ago and it was not made clear whether asexual people
    • feel horny but don't want to have sex with another person (so mast.urbate instead)
    • don't feel any level of sexual arousal at all, ever
    The article was clouded in vagueness and it seemed to be highlighting an issue without going into the pertinent facts.

  12. tartetatin

    tartetatin New commenter

    Is there a hormonal reason for never feeling sexual? Why would someone never feel sexual?
    Sorry to sound so suspicious about the whole thing, but there has to be a reason for it. Is it generally set in childhood or adulthood?
    I'm honestly genuinely interested, by the way ... and thank you for being so open with us [​IMG]

  13. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Will anyone get back to us now though?
  14. I suspect there are many, many couples - perhaps those who have been in long-term relationships, who could say exactly the same thing! [​IMG]
    When I was in my twenties and at it like a rabbit, I had married women friends who just couldn't understand it. Their enthusiasm for the 'act' had gone off, so had their desire for intimacy, but they had no desire to end the relationship. Whether their husbands felt the same way I'll never know!
    Their revelations surprised me...almost confirmed the Les Dawson type 'joke' that there are people who begrudgingly put up with sexual relationships, their partners demands, even though they get no enjoyment or pleasure from the act. Could people who have experienced sex but gone right off it also be described as asexual'?
    I expect not...but isn't an asexual person seen as a 'cold fish' perhaps? One who doesn't encourage touch, intimacy, closeness for fear of a sexual reaction - from someone they like being with? They would form lasting relationships based on friendship? I can see nothing wrong with that if both people in the relationship are happy btw!
    Apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree in trying to understand, but I have also known very nice, self-contained people who seem like the proverbial islands. They manage very well on their own and seem to have no need for others....or indeed a need for hugs, touch or physical contact or even that phoney 'warmth' that is so prevalent in this day and age.. I quite admire their detached stance. They interact on their own terms almost. Again...perfectly OK....but I cannot imagine such a person enjoying a sexual relationship either.
    Perhaps all I am saying in a long-winded way is that
    "Honestly, I get everything I need from him, affection, trust, honesty, love. Sex isn't a central part of our relationship"
    I imagine many relationships work in the same way, although no one in them would say they were asexual.

  15. I just typed out a really long reply trying to respond, but then my computer crashed, losing the stupid thing. Don't have time to retype now, have friends due any minute for dinner, but will get back to you!
  16. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

    Arched - I was musing along the same lines as you. Tbh the BBC article (I'll go and see if i can get a link in a minute) annoyed me a bit. It set out to raise awareness and debunk the myths, but tried to do it without debunking the myths or . . . . . .erm . . . . raising awareness. If society at large is ignorant of the issues surrounding asexuality we need facts to counterbalance the ignorance and assumptions . . . not coy, skirting around the pivotals, reporting that leaves the reader more baffled than they imagined they could be.
  17. kibosh

    kibosh Star commenter

  18. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    it must be awful when one partner in an asexual relationship belatedly discovers sex and has an affair.

    How do asexual couples 'get it up,' so to speak? I'm not meaning to sound crude but there must be some stimulation...
  19. lardylady

    lardylady Star commenter

    I've been married for 14 years and haven't had any kind of physical relationship with my OH for the majority of that time (almost 13 years). I've never been bothered by sex and quite frankly, could never really be arsed. My OH feels the same, and we have talked about it openly. We hug, hold hands when we're out etc but we sleep in separate rooms. I love being in a marriage that is completely platonic.
  20. I'll try and answer as best I can, but, I am only one asexual person, and can't speak for everyone! I have read and posted on asexual forums though, and this is my understanding.
    Some asexual people **********, I'm not sure why in general, although someone did tell me once they use it to cure period pains. Others apparantly, so I've read, can have orgasms easily, but don't normally bother, or have any interest,
    Some asexual people do not **********.
    Some feel no sexual arousal ever.
    For myself I would say I can feel what I term "romantic attraction" I can get a sort of mild crush on someone, and really want to get to know them, and be realy pleased to see them, and be with them, but these feelings don't have any sort of physical component. I don't feel inclined to be physically close, or touch them.
    Apart from that, I have deep and genuine love and affection for many of my friends and family. I often feel like giving someone a hug, in an entirely non romantic way! if that makes sense, and do hug my friends, and get hugged by them. I wouldn't consider myself cold.

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