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An unhappy fathers day

Discussion in 'Personal' started by 16 Heath, Jun 19, 2011.

  1. Have "lost" my father although he is very much alive, to an obscure cult/religion I simply do not understand 2 years ago. He denounced myself and all family members as meaningless to him and although he is happy for us to visit him, has actually stated he now feels so little for us that even our death or illness would not have any bearing on him.
    2 years on, I still feel as hurt and angry as the day he said it. I have spent most of the day crying or trying to distract myself.
    He will only discuss it if I am prepared to accept that we do not have a father daughter relationship, which I can't. Up until 2 years ago he was always my best friend and now I feel so lost without him. The counsellor I saw could only come up with a time will heal line and yet it is still so painful on a day like today. My mother and brother grew apart from him years prior to all this and therefore have moved on.
    Anyone else seen a family member come out the other end. I live in desperate hope for my dad to come back!


     
  2. Have "lost" my father although he is very much alive, to an obscure cult/religion I simply do not understand 2 years ago. He denounced myself and all family members as meaningless to him and although he is happy for us to visit him, has actually stated he now feels so little for us that even our death or illness would not have any bearing on him.
    2 years on, I still feel as hurt and angry as the day he said it. I have spent most of the day crying or trying to distract myself.
    He will only discuss it if I am prepared to accept that we do not have a father daughter relationship, which I can't. Up until 2 years ago he was always my best friend and now I feel so lost without him. The counsellor I saw could only come up with a time will heal line and yet it is still so painful on a day like today. My mother and brother grew apart from him years prior to all this and therefore have moved on.
    Anyone else seen a family member come out the other end. I live in desperate hope for my dad to come back!


     
  3. You need to move on.
    He may not ever come back. He most certainly will not come back on your say so.
    No matter how much it hurts - move on. See your life as it is - without him. Because you cannot force him to return. You cannot influence it.
    You can influence your own life.
     
  4. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    What a horrible situation.
    It is so bizarre, that you will obviously find it hard to accept. Good that you are able to discuss it with a counsellor.
     
  5. That sounded unsympathetic. I am sorry.
    I grew up without my father. I had princess wishes of him returning to declare his love.
    He never did.
    Then he died when I was 19.
    For sure, it was maybe easier - I had had no relationship with him really. But I did until I was 6. Then he disappeared.
    And I can remember - his drunkeness, his hittings, his throwing of shoes.
    I would have forgiven him all that - but he disappeared. I will not forgive him that.
    So I made my life. Without him and inspite of him.

     
  6. It's okay CQ.I can see I have no option but to follow your advice. A year ago I came to this conclusion and move on is what I am doing more of the time than not.........
    .......but then I suddenly see a big wave of hurt and come crashing down. Thought this would be less frequent and I am normally good at managing my feelings.
     
  7. I 'lost' my father some years before he died and we were never reconcilled. What you describe is what I've been through and still go through periodically. I suppose we're all different and deal with things in different ways, but I certainly haven't really got over it. I have moved on, through necessity, but it still hurts and I suspect it always will. I do hope the hurt goes further back in the mix though.
    Your situation sounds awful and I'm sure that days like today are especially difficult for you. Life's a blighter isn't it?!
     
  8. oh, I know those feelings. They hit you when you think you are coping.
    The more you live your own life, the easier it gets. Never perfect, but life is never perfect.

     
  9. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    How horrible. Dare you tell us the name of this cult?
    I recently posted that my elder brother and I were estranged and that my heart was broken by it. But if my father had rejected us for a cult, after years of being a loving dad, I think I'd have gone mad. I'd also be totally enraged. I'd probably make it my life's work to discredit the b@stards who'd stolen my father from me.
    You say that he grew apart from your mum and brother years ago, so I take it that he wasn't living with you. And now he's taken up with some selfish nutty religion that obliges [allows?] him to renounce all normal human ties.How convenient.
    The Early Years teacher in me would like to give him a proper telling-off for his mammoth selfishness.

    I don't often do hugs but I think you need a huge one. xxx
     
  10. Yes poeme. Have only been able to confide in 1 friend due to the shameful circumstances of his behaviour. He is a high functioning professional and I just don't feel I can trust anyone else. Tried to tell another friend who was just too freaked out by what I described and now avoids the subject. Who can blame her? If my father was not like this I may be unsympathetic too.


     
  11. A hug is appreciated inky as I am unable to ask anyone else for one without telling them the whole story and would rather not tell friends and colleagues.
    It is a branch of spiritualism but I forget the name and yes, I am heartbroken. I know I need to move on but feelings for an otherwise loving father and best friend of several decades cannot simply be halted/ignored.
    Posting here and having someone else share a similar experience does help me feel less isolated though. Thank you.

     
  12. Can you find it?
     
  13. I don't have a relationship with my birthdad....it's a fairly complicated situation.
    Some years ago he got back in touch - with some of the the family, including me. What hurt me was that he rejected me - again. He chose to keep up a somewhat hazy relationship with the others, but not me. A year or so passed and he asked one of the others if I would be prepared to get back in touch. And I did - like a shot. He was never a terrific father, and if I'm honest he did some stuff that was really not good...but when all is said and done, he is my birthdad. So I got back in touch. And after a few months he did it again. Simply cut me off and continued communicating with the others. A couple of years ago he asked for me again. And I wrote to him as soon as I was given an address. And again it lasted only a few months. ..Each time he rejected me I felt physical pain. I remembered the childhood rejection, I remembered how when he was still with Mum he said I should be put away in a mental institution, it still hurts today (especially today - Fathers' Day) .....and yet I know that if he asked for me again - I'd be there for him again. Even knowing that he would reject me again, I would want to give it another go.
    I refuse to give up hope. I long ago ceased to like him - but I still love him. And maybe only those who have 'lost' a father who is still around somewhere can follow that logic!
    All I can do is hope... Maybe one day he'll choose to get back in touch....and maybe next time it will be different...and if not, I have the hope of my faith that maybe I don't understand the situation now, but if it's necessary i will come to understand it in Glory....it doesn't take away the hurt, but it helps.
    And maybe, OP....(and others) ....all you can do is take a step back, get on with your life and hope that things might change for your father.
     
  14. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Poor Heath. These glib phrases like 'moving on' and 'finding closure' make me want to spit. As I've said in another thread, I seem to be feeling aggressive tonight. So please let me give the selfish - and, most probably, greedy - head cases who've stolen your dad from you a good cyber kick in the nuts. Sorry, I couldn't find the emoticon. As for your dad, he needs a kick too for being a selfish, feckless f uckwit.
    Yes, I was nasty about your dad but please don't take it personally.Carry on loving him, as I carry on loving my brother. Keep the door open. Carry on being the kind, loving person you are. And hope.xxx


     
  15. Glib?
    Inky - I am speaking of my life and how I had to learn to cope. I also posted that I would have forgiven my birth dad.
    That you find me glib is disappointing.

     
  16. Beth, i can relate to the whole rejection idea and yet you experienced it as a child too which is so much worse. Like you, I too would respond to any interest in me like a flash and yet I have never been one for falling for men who treat women like this.
    Am going for a bike ride to release some tension. Back soon
     
  17. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    Sorry sorry sorry CQ - I dind't mean to denigrate you or your experience. Please accept my sincere apology. I just think that stock phrases can be more hurtful than helpful.
     
  18. inky

    inky Lead commenter

    CQ, it's pure chance that I'm listening to an aria from Russalka at the moment. My brother loves Czech music, so I suppose he's on my mind. Falling out with one's brother is not on a par with being estranged from one's father.

    Hell, I've blown my cover but I really don't care.

    I'm just really sorry I offended you.
     
  19. Hey, we know each other and we have fallen out before and always made up. I still regard you as a friend.
    I shall listen to that music - for you and your brother, if you tell me which aria.
    Please don't worry - I still regard you highly xxxx
     
  20. giraffe

    giraffe New commenter

    Sounds like hugs all round are called for.[​IMG]


     

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