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After mc ...

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by jellybean_333, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. It has now been 5 months since I mc and I have had lots of questions and worries and people have been lovely on here but I feel I am still a bit negative and don't want to upset the newbies on the ttc thread who will probably never have to worry about this.
    My latest feeling is just WHEN will I stop feeling so miserable hearing other people are pg and getting jumped with scan photos I wasn't expecting? I've just found out another girl at dance is pg - the fourth after I announced and it is so hard when you are suddenly ambushed with amazing scan photos. I know I can't expect them to act any differently and I wouldn't want them to think about me but I really thought it would be easier by now and I still have a month before what would have been our due date.
    How did other people cope? I did a quick look and tried to gush without crying! Then joined in the joke about it being catching! but I was dying a little inside.
     
  2. It has now been 5 months since I mc and I have had lots of questions and worries and people have been lovely on here but I feel I am still a bit negative and don't want to upset the newbies on the ttc thread who will probably never have to worry about this.
    My latest feeling is just WHEN will I stop feeling so miserable hearing other people are pg and getting jumped with scan photos I wasn't expecting? I've just found out another girl at dance is pg - the fourth after I announced and it is so hard when you are suddenly ambushed with amazing scan photos. I know I can't expect them to act any differently and I wouldn't want them to think about me but I really thought it would be easier by now and I still have a month before what would have been our due date.
    How did other people cope? I did a quick look and tried to gush without crying! Then joined in the joke about it being catching! but I was dying a little inside.
     
  3. becky70

    becky70 New commenter

    I've never had a miscarriage but wanted to give you a response. You have suffered a serious loss and should not feel under pressure to get over it quickly. I know of someone who was bursting into tears almost a year later. Time is a healer - sometimes though it takes a lot of time.
    Your due date is approaching and I imagine you are finding that very difficult. Perhaps when you have got past that particular milestone things may get easier. It may also be easier if you become pregnant again although I realise another pregnancy would also bring up fears and you may be someone who finds it difficult to conceive.
    You can't rush recovering from grief, sadly, please look after yourself and don't expect too much from yourself. It won't always be as bad as this.
    (((jellybean)))
     
  4. I had an mc 8 years ago. I cannot remember exactly when I stopped feeling dreadful everytime someone announced a new pregnancy however I do remember the anguish each time. I still have moments of sadness even now but it has eased over time. Its usually at expected due date time, Christmas now. Coping, I am not sure I did very well - I was on a complete avoidance tactic of alot of people until I felt I could cope with it without crying. Couldn't explain to people what was wrong either - must have seemed really rude.
    Look after youself - it does get better
     
  5. I can't comment on when it gets easier, as my mc was more recent than yours (although mine was also much earlier) but you're not alone! Sorry you've had another announcement...I feel really bad when I hear an announcement or see scan pictures but I think 'that's great, I'm happy for you, but why not me?'. Also, I am getting a little fed up of whatever website or app it is that links with facebook that posts an update each week, sharing the developmental stage of a feotus...I have so many people all at different stages, and to be honest, I don't want to know which week they're all up to, every single week! But perhaps that makes me selfish...I just know I will try hard not to rub it in people's faces if I EVER get pregnant and dont mc!
     
  6. Thanks CB I was hoping you'd join me. That fb thing sounds bloody awful - I haven't met that thank goodness! And i completely agree with you, I've decided when I do get a pos result I will not post it in fb at any stage! Or on this thread for that matter! That can be a positive ttc thread comment! You are not selfish.
     
  7. I promised I would join you!
     
  8. Thanks Becky and Bradley - sorry I didn't seem to get your responses initally - or maybe I missed them.
    I try to tell myself we were only trying for 5 months before getting pg but it is now 5 months since mc and I think I am really only physically back to normal last cycle or so. Would love to be pg again, I'm sure I will be bonkersly worried but I don't care!
     
  9. I actually had a massive argument with someone on another forum who was sat whining how her friend was being unreasonable and selfish getting upset about that infernal facebook app. Silly selfish girl was so wrapped up in her own bubble of joy that she'd just completely lost the plot regarding considering anyone else's feelings.
    We had the run of losses starting almost 2 years ago - and I got so low that I hit the point where I automatically deleted anyone on facebook who announced a pregnancy... because I just couldn't take the barrage of scan photos and them being bumped up in my news feed every time someone commented on it... I think I was only starting to come to the point where things felt remotely tolerable after about a year or so - when we finally got pregnant again with one that seems to be hanging around staying put... it's a bereavement - but a particularly nasty one because you can't escape having to be joyful for other people when they announce what you so desperately want, and because it's so much of a hidden loss to the rest of the world - and, I have to say, because of some incredibly selfish pregnant women who seem to actively resent the fact that other women have miscarried and view it as intentionally putting a dampner on their own joy... the number of threads I've read on pregnancy forms (and promptly gone utterly ballistic on) whining that someone at work's dared to miscarry meaning that they don't feel they can <strike>bore the office witless </strike>sit and talk their own pregnancy all day and how mean it is and unfair yadda yadda... Heck - I almost committed suicide after my miscarriages - just couldn't take the barrage of announcements, people judging you as lesser for not having children, people shouting and yelling about how they needed more and more entitlements for having children and the flipping grief anymore - thankfully someone stopped me in time... but yep it's brutal.
    I decided long ago that I wouldn't put scan photos and the like on facebook after remembering how painful they'd been for me to see, and I don't flash my own around incessantly - at least it makes you a more empathatic and considerate person in the long run than some of the pregzillas doing the rounds. It gets easier - but it takes a tonne of time.
     
  10. Firstly Jellybean, Complicated bear Im sorry to hear of your losses and hope you are having the support you need. Misterflibble, so glad your pregnancy is staying put!
    I had 2 miscarriages 15 years ago. I was then lucky enough to have 2 sons who are now 11 and 14 and are my world!!!!
    Its so hard to recover emotionally. Physically you recover relatively quickly and from outsiders looking inyou are coping so that people forget. I remember people avoiding me rather than trying to talk to me. I think you find out who your real friends are! Time is a healer, you always remeber signficant dates and all emotions come flooding back when you hear of someone else going through a simular experience or when you hear it on TV.
    I got divorced and 3 years ago I remarried to my lovely hubby. Although I was 38 we decided we would love to have a baby of our own to cement our happiness - boy I should have known it doesnt work that way for me!
    Ive had 3 miscaariages in 18 months. With my experience I thought it would be better but its still so hard to hear pregnancy announcements. In Dec/January we had 2 births in the family alone and I found it so hard having to be so pleased for them at Christmas time when part of me just wanted to curl up.
    I am lucky to have my boys, and thats what makes it worth while and why we contininue. It does get better - honest. You need to grieve and mark the miscarriage somehow and give yourself time. Its still early days yet ( I know it wont feel like it) but you will get stronger and if you decide to try again it will give you something positive to focus on.
    I have just heard that my ex husband's wife is expecting - and I wanted to be the one to give my boys a baby brother or sister (half) so am gutted all over again even though I have been so positive lately. These things do keep rearing the ugly head...
    Im sure you will be successful next time and soon this will be a distant memory.
    I hope you have someone supportive who is there for you. My hubby is great at picking me up. But I have a friend who had a miscarriage a long time ago but she recognises my emotional rioller coaster and is always there for me. Unless you have been through it yourself I dont think you can REALLY understand.
    I completlely agree though about the annoying pregnancy app on FB and wish some people were more understanding! But I am just jealous and resentful of people who can get pregnant and it doesnt enter their heads that things arent alway that straight forward - Oh to be that innocent again!
    Best wishes for some happy news soon.
    take care xxxx
     
  11. I suffered a miscarriage in August 2011, I was 9 weeks and we had been ttc for 18 months. I felt broken and it took me a long time before I began to feel more like myself again. I am one of the lucky ones, I fell pregnant again after just 2 months and this one seems to be a sticky one as we have reached 27 weeks today. My coping strategy was to try again as soon as possible as I felt age wasn't on my side, and I didn't give myself to grieve, I fully realise this is not the right approach for everyone but it paid off for us.
    The new pregnancy has helped me to come to terms with my loss because it has given me something else to focus on, but the first 3 months were awful, I was so nervous and I had reassurance scans at 8 weeks and 10 weeks to help my anxiety. I actually began to feel that if I lost this one I wouldn't be able to carry on with life - it was such a strong feeling, I can understand how people become overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts. I think I felt the new life inside me gave me a reason to live, and something to look forward to, but the thought of losing all that again, so soon after my first loss would have been too much for me. After my 12 week scan I gradually began to feel better but really it wasn't until I passed 20 weeks that I began to feel positive about being pregnant (and I still have my 'worry' days). When my original due date came along I was very emotional - as was my OH, he knew exactly what date it was. No one at work knew I was expecting or had mc but when I announced this pregnancy I waited until I was more than 4 months along and after sharing my happy news I also then told people I had previously suffered a loss - this led to loads of my colleagues sharing their own stories of loss (it really is true the statistic of how common it is - but no one talks about it!). It is frustrating that it is such a taboo subject as it really does help to be able to talk about it with someone who really understands.
    I have been very sensitive about announcements. I have made no mention of my pregnancy at all on facebook. I have refused to take scan pictures in to work as it used to upset me to see other peoples pinned on the notice board for weeks on end. I will answer questions about my pregnancy at work but I won't initiate conversations about babies or my bump, even though I am beyond excited (!), - as I remember only too well how painful it was to sit through that when I was so long ttc or immediately after my loss.
    Everyone is different and everyone finds their own way to cope, try and find what works for you. I found the miscarriage forum and the TTc after a loss forum on Bounty really useful. I don't think I will ever forget the baby I lost (and I do think of it as a baby I lost - even though I was only 9 weeks, I have grieved for the child I will never meet) and I think that is ok - and I think the only people who don't understand that and perhaps feel it is weird are the people who are lucky enough to have gone through life without personal experience of miscarriage.
     
  12. Hello,

    I miscarried in October 2010 after 18 months of trying. Have never fallen pregnant since and am currently going through my 1st IVF cycle. It's so difficult as I feel that even if I do manage to get pregnant again I'll never be able to enjoy my pregnancy like other people can. Right now I really don't know what I'm more scared of-IVF not working or it working and having to go through a miscarriage again. Don't know when things get easier. The only pregnancy I managed to get excited about was my sisters as I felt at least one of us could manage it then maybe I could too. Other people's pregnancy's I do struggle with and as others have said I've blocked people on facebook due to the pregnancy updates. Things are getting easier as I have now accepted I need help to fall pregnant and if this doesn't work then I'll need to try and find a way to move on-have already said I'll have 3 tries at IVF but that's it. Sorry total rambling and not sure how much it helps.

    T xxx
     
  13. Hello,

    I had a MMC almost a year ago and still
    think about the 'what could have been.' We lost our little one at 8
    weeks but didn't find out until our 12 week scan. No words can
    describe how much it hurt &ndash; particularly when my sister and
    sister-in-law were both expecting. It was hard again when their
    bundles of fun popped out within weeks of finding out our horrible
    news. However, I made myself just carry on and had my down days as
    expected. When it came to our EDD, we released a balloon to mark the
    occasion. Even though it was only a pea when we MC, I still think
    it's hard to get through &ndash; I saw it as a little person and still
    do.






    I was very lucky to fall pregnant again
    relatively quickly. However, every scan has been tainted and every
    check-up is a worry. Unless you have been through a MC I don't think
    people really understand what emotions you go through. I'm now 38
    weeks and still worry. I think this will be the situation for the
    next 18years. I hope that you have the luck on your side and enjoy
    being pregnant soon.






    Sorry if this hasn't helped,





    Jaynie
     
  14. Hi Jellybean,

    Don't feel bad about still thinking about you miscarriage all the time. I miscarried In the October, took a week off work and then in the March ended up with 2 weeks off and stressed/depressed for alot of the February before realising how ill I was. I think with everyone saying you'll fall again quickly I had hope which after 4 months that left me and I hit a new low. I felt like a fraud as how could I be off work for something that happened months ago and like you didn't want to worry people and talk about it constantly. Actually taking some time off work helped as I hadn't properly dealt with it all at the time.

    Thinking of you. T xxx
     
  15. i had a mc nearly two years ago in August so didn't tKE TIME OFF FROM WORK BUT MAYBE SHOULD HAVE AS I was very very down about it. Sorry you are feeling the same.
    For right or wrong the way i coped was being very open about it. i had to be really as I was in tears at the drop of a hat. Anone who asked me how i was would get the truth! Probably made me look a bit odd but people were just so kind to me at work and i think its because they know what was going on for us and there was no guessing why i had big puffy eyes and disappeared to the toilet for CRY on a regular basis.
    if i am totally honest having a baby has helped enormously with the grief you feel after mc but i know that is little comfort when you are feeling like it might not happen for you- it most likely will of course but i remember that it's hard to believe that at the time.
    The horrible horrible jealous, bitter feeling when pg is announced by friends/family is awful but won't alwyas be so raw. A big hug to you. You will feel better bit by bit as time goes by xxxx
     
  16. Hi Jelly,
    It is so tough, that empty feeling that just won't go away isn't it. I had4 pregnancies in 12 months, the first 3 ending in mc. After the second which was at 12 1/2 weeks I found it realy tough as a few close friends were expecting. One was due the day before me. I found it difficult to even look her way as her tummy grew. Thankfully she is a lovely person and completely understood ans she tooka step back for a while. I got to bury my baby and that helps me knowing it was all done properly. I went onto have a third mc a few months later and although the process was less traumatic I think mentally I was in pieces, although I didnt realise. I had a bit of a break down and my body did too. I think I was exhausted an d needed time to let my cycles etc recover. I still tried to conceive but took it a little easier. I fell preg 3 months later with my little girl. I needed to keep going to help with the grief, it was the only thing that took me out of that darkness.
    Having my little girl has helped although every week was filled with worry, I still think of my babies all the time. It will always be with me butI had to move on to the next stage.
    xx
     
  17. Jellybean,
    Just to say, remember it is so so common for women to have a miscarriage and go on to have healthy babies after that. When I had mine in May last year, it was comforting to know an awful lot of my friends had been through the same, then gone on to have healthy ones. Hang on to the fact that you CAN get pregnant, and it sounds like you guys did it naturally too, which is a big deal. That little one wasn't meant to be and would probably have been very poorly.
    I am sure you'll get pregnant again soon (I did in September, despite having fertility problems, but with help from IVF). I am not adding this to make you feel bad but to show it often works out fine after that. I believe now that if it wasn't for that miscarriage, I wouldn't be getting my current son/daughter so when you're further down the line like this, I am sure it will help you feel a lot better about it. Best of luck trying again.
     
  18. Thank you so much everyone. I'm am really sorry to hear what you have all been through but appreciate your kindness in helping me realise I am not completely bonkers for still feeling like this.
    I am currently on my tww so am filled withsome hope again but already worrying about coming crashing down!
    I do have a belief that one day it will be my turn and that keeps me going plus I was thinking yesterday (and I know its a bit weird but it helped me feel better) to decide to think that when we get pg again it will be the same baby finally coming to us. Like we haven't lost the last one but it just wasn't quite right for it to come yet. When I spoke to my DH about this it turned out he had been thinking the same thing! Maybe that's not really dealing with what happened but it helped.
    I read a book last year by Marian Keyes - I forget the title but its the one where the house has been converted into flats and it is about the lives of all the people living there. I guess this might have influenced me. It's a great book but don't read it if you are finding baby stuff hard at the mo!
    Thank you again.
     
  19. Thanks Jane! OMG freaky thing just happened...I was getting ready for a night out, and realised I was singing to myself, and IW as singing 'Don't Stop Believing' (not a song I listen to a lot or happen to sing a lot). Anyway, I thought to myself, hmm, let's put some music on'. Put on the radio, and it was in the middle of a commercial break, but what was they very first song that came on after the adverts? 'Don't Stop Believing'. Coincidence, or a sign that I need to snap out of this and not stop believing!
     
  20. Hi I have been lurking for a while and was wondering if I could join this thread. I had mc in May last year but still finding it difficult to cope. Had to have surgery in September after they found a mass on my ovary which turned out to be a cyst. Started TTC again in January and think I had another MC early February. Now quite scare of TTC again in case it goes wrong yet again!
     

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