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Advice needed - my dad left when I was little but now wants to be called granddad!

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by betty73, Mar 16, 2012.

  1. I need opinions/help/advice please! I apologise now for how long this may be!
    My parents divorced when I was a few months old and my father loved to another country (10 hour flight away). My Mum remarried when I was 6 and her new husband adopted me as his own and he's been the only dad i've ever known (he met my mum when I was 2). He is and always has been my dad and I only got back in contact with my biological father when I was 15 and have seen him about 5 times since then. We don't speak often as he is too busy with his supposedly important jet setting lifestyle. I started calling him 'dad' as part of my teenage rebellion against my parents but now regret that as he isn't really my dad at all.
    Becoming a parent is really making me think about the relationship that I have with my biological father and is making me question whether I want her to know him because I know she won't see him often at all ( every 3 years if she is lucky) and he never remembers birthdays or christmas and never answers emails or phonecalls. He is a very over the top person so when he is around he is very much a self loving person who shows off about everything and i'm worried about what impact this will have on my daughter as she grows up.
    My dilema is that I don't know what to do about his relationship with my daughter who is due in a month. I feel very strongly that my daughter should know about her heritage (I have foreign blood and very obviously get my looks from his side of the family because of this) and I do not want to lie to her, however I also know that my mum and dad in this country are my parents and really that my biological father is just a random family member and will never be a proper grandparent to my daughter.
    Now, the reason i'm thinking about this is because my biological father has declared that he wants to be called granddad instead of the alternative I suggested (basically our familys cultures name for granddad - it acknowledges him as a family member but won't confuse my daughter as to who is her real granddad).
    Am I just being an emotional pregnant *** or am I right to question this? Is anyone else in a similar position? Any advice or ideas?
    I'm not sure what to do as I know that if I refuse his request to be called Granddad that it will cause a HUGE and messy arguement. This is really stressing me out [​IMG]
    ARGHHHHH!!!!
     
  2. not sure why i.d.i.o.t was editted out!!!!
     
  3. Because some people don't approve of the term ( I know, I know)
    Anyway - as to your situation, it really depends on how emotionally generous you feel. I had a less than good relationship with my mother and wondered how I'd deal with her wanting to be involved with my daughter when she was born (daughter is now 2 and a half)
    In the end I knew I just couldn't sustain/put the energy into all the crappy feelings I had about my mum and decided just to let things go, and allow my mum to be the doting granny. It's fine. My mum's even acknowledged she was a nightmare, and she tries.
    It's not to late to wipe the slate clean, even if it's just you who's doing it. It made me feel better about things, anyway.
     
  4. your baby, your choice. i really don't think seeing him once every 3 years will be a problem though - i think you are getting stressed about nothing. i got stressed while pregnant about what LO would call my step mother who he would see at most once a year - and here we are nearly a year and a half on and it still isn't an issue!
     
  5. Well as if life ain't complicated enough eh? I had similar issues to spider. My dad has remarried and he is grandad to his wife's grandchildren. There was NO WAY that my lo was going to call her granny or anything else. But I did worry about the hassle she might give my dad about it. Anyway it turned out fine and the way I wanted it to. If you don't want lo to call him grandad then you stick to your guns. Good luck with it all
     
  6. I dont think seeing him occasionally would be harmful he just wont be that important as far as your child is concerned. That said I think that it is a bit rich expecting to be called granddad and I think you have every right to put your foot down on that one.
     
  7. Thank you for all of your replies everyone, it's really helpful hearing other peoples experiences or thoughts.
    It's such a difficult thing as I really don't like upsetting anyone and if my Dad (adopted dad) were to ever hear my daughter talk about her foreign granddad it would kill him as he has done so much for me and raised me my whole life. On the other hand, I feel mean denying my biological father the chance to be a granddad but in reality I know he would never be a grandfather figure and that since he has never been a dad to me I don't really want him having the honour of being called granddad.
    I think my main issue is that I want to protect my daughter from the disappointment that he has given me my whole life - forgotten birthdays, christmases etc, he doesn't even know anything about me! My concern is that as a 'granddad' this disappointment would be amplified but if he was just a strange uncle character then my daughter wouldn't really put any emphasis on him not being around!
    Arghhhh!
     
  8. I think Betty that part of becoming a parent is learning to start calling the shots. Grandparents have to compromise in relation to grandchildren because how they are brought up is up to the parents. Using the title uncle seems the logical suggestion to me and if he doesnt like it then I'm afraid that's tough. This is your baby, not his. Its only really the same as expecting grandparents to do things your way when looking after the baby when he/she is older. I think the clearer and firmer you are from the start the easier it is later.
     
  9. Well, as susepcted, things didn't go at all well.
    I was honest and explained my feelings and why it was important that I wasn't disrespectful to my adoptive Dad. My biological father didn't take this at all well and after a huge row in which he refused to listen to me and he has now declared that he never wants to see me again.
    I don't know quite how to feel, part of me feels relieved that I won't have any more pain or hurt from him and that he won't be able to hurt my daughter either. I am also really upset that he wouldn't listen to me (as always) and that he resorted to being really horrible and abusive towards me because of it.
    Oh well, onwards and upwards I suppose! I need to focus on my baby as I don't have long left now!
     
  10. as hurtful as this has been for you, well done for standing up for yourself and your child. anyone who can throw their daughter and grandchild away with abuse is best off out of your child's life so that they can't be hurt they way you have. well done x
     
  11. Thank you Spiderkin, it really helps to hear someone say that.
    I know 100% that I have made the right decision but I still feel like I am going through a bereavement. I just feel sad, drained and heartbroken. Been getting some cramping (I think due to the stress and upset) so I know I need to stay calm and just relax as much as possible. Just want to sleep all the time so that I don't have to think about it.
    Thank you for your support x
     
  12. Spiderkin's right but I'm sorry it had to turn out like that.
     
  13. I was in a very similar situation to you when my kids were little, although my biological father has since passed away as well. Do whatever makes you feel 'right' for you and your child - then you'll know you did your best.
    Going off topic a bit, it might interest you to know that my youngest child has turned out to have my adoptive Dad's sense of humour - it's as if a little bit of him has been reincarnated into her! To me, this is proof of his lasting influence and importance in our lives, even though he died 10 years before she was born. It's something I treasure.
    Sounds like your bio father was too immature to handle being a father when you came along and has never really grown up - he still thinks it's all about him. What a shame for him.
     

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