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adult still being treated like a child! opinions please :)

Discussion in 'Personal' started by anon1369, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. My mum has recently written a letter to me to 'get things off her chest' and I would like an outsiders point of view because I am really quite annoyed about it. A bit of background, I am 24 started my NQT year in sept just gone and have been with MrCC for 6 years, lived together for 3 of those years.
    The other year MrCC and I lived in our own rented house, we were both students at the time however after I graduated I was unemployed although MrCC was still at uni. We made the decision to move back home to our parents houses as a temporary measure as we couldn't afford our own place with me being unemployed, him a student and not being entitled to any benefits.
    It took me over a year to find a job and so we have been living at home much longer than I would have liked (18months), although I tend to stay in MrCCs most of the time. My school is 40 miles away and I drive there every day meaning I am out the house from 6am until at least 6/7pm each day. When I reach home I get in, eat, do a couple hours of work and go straight to sleep.
    I feel like my mum is treating me like a child her letter says that she is really annoyed with me as I spend most of my time in his and that I need to stay at home monday-thursday or if I continue spending so much time in his then I will need to move all of my stuff out. Apparently I look a total wreck (cheers!) and need to be looked after properly.
    MrCC sometimes stays in mine and I will drop him home on the way to work in the morning (takes 5 mins and he has no other way of getting home) but according to the new rules he is not allowed to stay on a 'school night' because I am not allowed to drop him home of a morning? The amount of time we spend together is apparently unhealthy (realistically we talk for about an hour a night then he does his own stuff whilst I work and weekends are the only time we can do things). We both socialise with our own group of friends as often as possible and are definitely not attached at the hip, I will often go out on my own shopping etc and leave him to do his own thing.
    I am hoping to move out asap preferably closer to school because the travelling is killing me. MrCC has recently finished uni but is still unemployed, despite trying very hard to get a job. Hopefully he will be able to get a job in my work city because its much bigger than our home city. Obviously I will need to support both of us whilst he finds a job but I think we would be entitled to housing benefit which would help (although I could be wrong). However my mums letter also states that when we move out we must pay 50-50 and I am not to pay for him. I have talked to her about this before which was obviously a mistake.
    Can anybody give me their opinion on this situation, am I over-reacting? I am just soooo angry, I understand how fortunate I am that I was 'allowed' back but the problem is not that she wants me out, rather she wants me to be there ALL the time.
    Thanks :)
     
  2. doomzebra

    doomzebra Occasional commenter

    You moved back to live with mummy but want to be treated as an adult?
     
  3. lardylady

    lardylady Star commenter

    I get the impression that you're treating your mum's house like a hotel (to use a well worn expression) and maybe your mum is pissed off that you're using her house to save money but aren't really prepared to give anything up in return.
     
  4. v12

    v12

    Nightmare - and many sympathies.
    I moved back with my parents during my PGCE (I was a mature entrant into teaching and hadn't lived at home for a long time).
    My Mum was quite over-bearing as well - not quite as you describe - but she had her moments! (I had to do all my own washing at the local launderette and wasn't allowed out drinking in the evenings because she didn't want the house treated like an hotel!).
    You could always suggest that she moves to a house which is closer to your school [​IMG]
    Just a thought!

     
  5. emilystrange

    emilystrange Star commenter

    as far as how much time you spend with him now and what he pays in the future goes, she can sling her hook. nothing to do with her.

     
  6. While I don't agree with all your mums point I have a lot of sympathy for her. You are living in her house, you say you come home, eat and then work followed by bed..then you say you talk for an hour to your partner (must be lonely without him I realise) but how must it feel for your mum? Do you ever chat to her for an hour?
    Your mum may be thoroughly hacked off with a daughter who lives in her house but doesn't actually notice she exists!
     
  7. magic surf bus

    magic surf bus Star commenter

    My Mum used to occasionally send out such letters a long time after I'd left home. 'The Letter' became a running joke in our family, and all of us got one at some time or other. We ignored them, and didn't dignify them with a reply. As much as I mourn her passing, I won't be missing 'The Letter'.
     
  8. Cervinia

    Cervinia Occasional commenter

    Sorry to sound harsh, but, you can't have it both ways. If you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one. Move out, pay your own bills.
    That's the brilliant thing about when you move out... you get to make your own decisions. I'm not sure what influence or say your mum would have here.
     
  9. catmother

    catmother Star commenter

    OP: I'm pretty sure we've gone round and round the issue of where you live/where you could live many many many times before.
     
  10. It sounds as if she is worried about you ........ thats all. It may not be a good thing but you are there under her nose as it were.
    You dont say if she prepares your meals and what your financial contributions are...... whatever, you are still her child even if for you the child has gone.
    I would say try not to be cross with her. Try to understand and reassure her. It wont be for that long if your plans work out.
    All the best.

     
  11. So, she was convenient when you wanted somewhere cheap to live but it is not convenient for her to voice her opinion?
    If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one.
    Either you get your own place and tighten your belt or you live with your Mum and abide by her rules.
    Her home is NOT a hotel.
    It maybe you find her rules not applicable to your life as an adult - then live as an adult, stand on your own two feet and don't abuse your mother as a cheap option for somewhere to live but do as you please.
     
  12. kittylion

    kittylion Established commenter

    If she is digging her heels in about you staying in Mon-Thurs then I think you will have to comply (except holidays I presume). As for your future plans, well just don't discuss them further. She cannot tell you how to organise your finances once you have left home, so just don't bring it up for the time being, or say something like "Well it's all academic at the moment anyway until we see if he gets a job and how much he earns and how much our living costs are." Once you have left home and are independent then she has no further say and may or may not need to be told that sometime in the future. As for the rest though I'm afraid it's her house her rules and you will just have to toe the line. You don't have to like it though and I think you could say so to her - "Well it's your house of course so I will have to do as you ask. I will miss seeing ... during the week but we will have to put up with it until we can afford our own place". But really if you are clashing like this it is more than time to find your own place as soon as you can. It wouldn't harm you to have a chat with your Mum every so often too to at least try and be sociable.
     
  13. lurk_much

    lurk_much Occasional commenter

    I would be gone by now.
    Move out, stop being such a drip.
    B&B this evening, you can normally negotiate a decent rate for longer stays in a hotel.
    I did six months in the ritz's basement for the price of bed and breakfast.

     
  14. suefla

    suefla New commenter

    Her house her rules.
    Your house your rules.
    Your choice!
     
  15. gruoch

    gruoch Occasional commenter

    You are an NQT, so earning a decent salary. How much do you contribute to the running of your home?
    How much do you contribute, not financially, to the running of your home?
    Poor baby. I'm more than twice your age, work full time, do the same journey as you and run a home.
    You're not organised. You aren't on a full timetable, don't have any added responsibilities and you have a mentor. If you're doing a 12 hour day, not including travel, there's something very wrong.

     
  16. anon8315

    anon8315 Established commenter

    Being an NQT is very hard, and I can understand the travelling issue being more of an issue for someone at the beginning of their career than a more experienced teacher. Everything must be very new to you CrazyChemist.
    Does your mum generally deal with things by writing letters? As we all know, things can sound much harsher in the written word than if someone is saying things face to face and what might have been just your mum having a moan has come over as quite rant-y and unpleasant.
    I'd talk to your mum first but in a pleasant way something like - "I'm sorry I've made life difficult for you, what would you like me to do to help out?"
    If it makes you feel better, I have been very unwell of late and spent Christmas at my dad's house and my brother wanted a lift to the train station - my dad said "No, I don't want you leaving this house!" I'm 31! But it's because he cares.
    Gruoch - maybe I wasn't/am not organised, I don't know, but I live five minutes from school and CC pretty much describes my life at the moment. I'm not an NQT but I am new to my role/job. These things take time. I'm sure it won't always be thus (I hope not anyway!) x
     
  17. marlin

    marlin Star commenter

    Have you thought that your mum might have quite liked it when you lived away from home? Look at it from her point of view - at last she had the house to run how she wished, she had her privacy and only herself to suit (you don't mention if she has a husband or partner).
    Now, she has to consider you and MrCC. Although he is very dear to you, it is not the same for your mum - she has to be aware that a man is in the house - her privacy is really lost when he stays. You haven't said how much you contribute to doing the housework and cooking etc. How much extra work is your mum being asked to take on?
    As children it is hard for us to imagine that our parents have their own lives too - for so many years we were the centre of their worlds (or at least thought we were!)
    How do you think you would feel if, once you do have your own place, mum decided to come and live with you!
    Do everything to find a place of your own. It is obviously time to move on before words are said that you might regret. I hope Mr CC has luck finding a job and that you two can really start your own life together in your own home.
    Good luck.
     
  18. gruoch

    gruoch Occasional commenter

    I have two not working adult offspring in my house. They were away on holiday last June - for a whole 10 days. It was fabulous.
     
  19. langteacher

    langteacher Occasional commenter

    sounds to me like you need to spend some quality time with your mum, not just treat her like a landlady

    act like an adult, move out, pay your own bills and visit your mum for quality time
     
  20. When my son moved away to university it was difficult for a while. However, after a few months it was bliss. Empty nest syndrome? ********, it was great.
    After graduating he moved back for a while. It was awful. He'd changed and so had we and it became difficult to live together. Thankfully, he found a job and moved out. Sanity and relationship restored.
    It may surprise children to know that their parents were people before they came along and will be people when they leave. Your mother doesn't want you around HER house. She has grown accustomed to you not being there and probably resents your presence.
    You will have a decent wage. Move out ASAP.









     

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