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Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by spiderkin, Jun 10, 2011.

  1. i think it's lovely of you to think of adopting not one but two children. i think your worries are prefectly justified. my godmother adopted and it went well but she has never had any of her own.
    i'm not sure i can help you either way. i wouldn't think you a bad person if you didn't do it, and it'd be an amazing gesture if you did.
    good luck x
  2. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Could you not start trying anyway?
  3. Are ther certian rules when you adopt about not trying for your own baby? Can't remember but I think I read something when we were looking into it.
    Difficult decision to make. I know that adoption isn't for everyone and it is fantastic you are considering it. You do what you think is right and remember accidents do happen to lots of people [​IMG]
  4. Tigger1962

    Tigger1962 New commenter

    This is not advisable indeed most adoption agencoes recommend7require you to use contraception once you are paired with an adoptive child so that it is certain that they will get the full attention they need

    Most adoptive children need a lot of support and attention when they arrive in a new family- it is vital if they are to setle in - it would not be fair to them to go into a family whose attention was immediately reduced owing to pregnancy - and possibly further reduced if there are complications or morning sickness etc

    OP - your original plans sound very reasonable giving you a couple of years to settle the adoptive children. I would not underestimate how hard the period of adjusting to 2 new children in the family will be without adding pregnancy(with possible exhaustion, sickness and complications into the mix in the early months. If you feel unable to commit 100% to these adoptive children perhaps it would be better tolet them go to another family which would allow you to pursue the biological child that you so muchwant
  5. Lilac, we have for 16 months. SS want us to delay, which in the scheme of things is not too bad a wait since we'd need time for the 2 children to settle in new schools/nurserys/home etc.
    We went to see them yesterday. They both are really pulling at my heart strings. My OH sat there with a big grin on his face when one of them came over and and flung themself over his lap, there were big cuddles all round from them both.
  6. Sound advice Tigger. My heart's already committed, I just need to get my head in gear too! And to know that I'm not doing this because of a desire to to fill baby shaped holes in my life. This is my OH concern about this, but he too is more than happy to adopt. He said that he can see me being a mother to these two, but not to a tiny baby of our own, and I understand why he thinks that. I know what to do with children, not babies! But still, we haven't ruled out our own child.
    Going from no children to 2 sounds madness. We've already been thinking about bedrooms, car, our current rountines, support network, work, adoption leave etc and we can find ways round all that in theory.
    We are in contact with SS to answer some queries, but ultimately we need to make a decision, a massive decision about our life!
    Thanks for reading
  7. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    If you have the opportunity and your heart is pulling you towards these children then I would say go for it. I know adoption isn't easy - I've been reading extensively about it for the last three years and have worked with children who are adopted. I'm trying not to feel jealous of you - I'd love someone to find a family for me! I'm really worried we'll be turned down for adoption if we go down that route.
    When your children are settled into your family you could resume ttc - that's if you have the energy and inclinaton when you are a mum of two!
    Good luck - wishing you joy and happiness on your journey.
  8. Thank you Becky. Why do you think you'd be turned down for adoption? I think it's worth putting initial enquiries out there as there are so many children who desperately need to be placed in a family.
  9. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Maybe just being paranoid! My OH is mid 40s too although I am somewhat younger. We'll be giving IVF another go, perhaps see what happens after that. Keep us posted on what happens with you.
  10. Well.... we have reached a decision on this, for those of you who were reading this thread.
    We are going ahead with the intial enquiries into adoption of the two children in question. The adoption team are getting their act together to send someone over to interview us to see if this is a starter or non-goer, (but as we are out of county, this is taking time to organise- no-one wants to travel across 2 counties!!)
    The chn's SW is really keen and is not looking for any other sets of adopters as back up. Usually they seek at least 3 sets of potential adopters for chn, but we are fortunate that they're not!

    Woohoo! We're trying so hard not to get too excited, when we're mentally reoganising bedrooms, schools, work.... and I've not breathed a word to anyone except my mum and OH in all this. We're doing it because we want to, regardless of what other family members/ friends think! Not quite sure how/when to approach my head about this!! eekkk!
  11. toeinwater

    toeinwater New commenter

    This all sounds very exciting! I'm glad you reached a decision and are moving on. Lots of luck to you!
  12. athome, I'm thrilled for you, how exciting! I hope the process is as straightforward as these things can be. I look forward to hearing all about it. Good luck! x x
  13. At home, that is terrific news! Good luck with the process. Please keep us all up to date xxx
  14. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    Fantastic do keep us posted on how it goes!
  15. Well, thought I could up date now we may have some news!
    I spent the afternoon of strike day with the children (a perfect way in my eyes!) having tea and playing in the park. The eldest one wanted to sit on my lap the whole way through, I didn't want to stop him! It was so lovely!
    And at last, we have a potential date for an 'initial' meeting with the ss, who is desperately trying to get a member of the adoption panel to attend with her. She is very insistent that they visit us in our own home, and I completely agree! Can't wait to begin to make this more real. It's still a bit pie in the sky until we we have some kind of tangible information!
    My OH is being lovely. He is s typical bloke who 'doesn't read'. Yet the other day in the super market he bought 2 books saying that he wanted to be a good role model for our children! I think we may be getting ahead of ourselves a little! In my head I can't see this not happening now! SS has said they are not looking at Family Finders for any other family, yet!
    This could be the most exciting thing I have ever done in my whole life (next to getting married!)
    Can't wait to give these special children a home and family!
  16. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    How wonderful! Lovely to hear all is going so well.
  17. More to update on! We had an initial meeting with SW and a member of the adfoption team nearly 2 weeks ago. It was 3 hours long, lots of questions and lots of silly questions. They asked how long we had been married (3 years), how long we'd been together (10.5 years) and then asked about previous partners. I explained that we'd been together a third of my life and left the answer at that!
    When they left, they said that we probably had lots to talk about, but that if we were still serious, we needed to read the pack they'd given, and return a form.
    So, we sat down and watched Enders! No talking needed, our decision was already made- of course we're still interested. We'd heard the children's full history, heard about the challenges and difficulties of attachment, problems within the children's futures (which can happen to birth children anyway) etc and we still want this. We both have first hand experience of what can go wrong in adoptions and also of the rewards it can bring. The feedback from the meeting was really positive and they are interested in persuing the adoption process with us.
    We have to attend a 4 day prep course in 2 consecutive months, possibly oct/nov course. At the meeting the SW inquired to the adoption team worker if there were spaces on the august course which sounded unlikely given the adoption TW's response!
    Today, the letter inviting us to the 4 day course and a course handbook were delivered! The course is August! Less than 3 weeks away! SOOOOOO excited. The only drawback is the dates of the second set- mid week in the 3rd week of september......
    Needless to say, I have not spoken of our plans to my head. I'm more nervous about approaching her for what I expect will be unpaid leave than adopting. Especially when osted are more than likely to appear within the first half term. I just don't know how sympathetic she'll be. Can heads refused unpaid leave of this nature? I don't know how to begin explaining it to her. I'm very anxious about this part; I want to do the right thing by school too. But moreso for the children.
    I sat in my garden today and read the entire 300 page handbook in one sitting.
    Last weekend we told my OH parents' about our plans, and then my parents. They were surprised we're not having oiur own first, but supportive when we explained how we felt about these children. They fully support us, thank goodness. Nobody else knows our plans other than now you, who are reading this! You are privvy to my excitement!!!
    I'm waiting for my OH to return home from work, and to share our excitement at the development today. In less than 3 weeks, we officially start this process.........eeeeeeekkkkk!

  18. Congratulations, I am so glad that everything is working out for you (and the children). Good luck with the course.
  19. That's wonderful!! Hopefully your Head has a heart and, if not, go to the governors. Surely this comes under parental leave? I would call them during the hols so you can prepare work and talk when they are less stressed. She can arrange suitable cover asap and not put you under pressure. Also gives you time to call your union if Head and governors refuse leave. But put your new family first, they need you more than the school xxx
  20. Hi, just read your story with interest, how brilliant and exciting for you! And the children too of course. Just wanted to ask why you think you'd only have unpaid leave when as far as I know, adopting gives you the same rights as giving birth as regards leave and pay. In fact I thunk you have to have a year off, and I know a teacher who got the same money as someone on maternity leave. You need and deserve the time off so don't be afraid to ask for it! :) x

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