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Absolute dilemma

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by TwoFishes, Aug 5, 2012.

  1. I hope noone objects to me putting this post on here but I really need to unload.
    I qualified in 2011 and only completed 1 term of NQT last year on a part time contract but am due to start full time in September at a wonderful school near me. I am 42 and have just discovered I am 4 weeks pregnant and delighted and horrified. My husband and I had unprotected sex once and thought there was no chance ( ridiculous I know!!) due to my age, being overweight and diabetic - all the odds are against me. I Conceived the day before the interview. I want a second child (first has just turned 3) but this timing is the worst ever and I am now in a complete dilemma.
    I know legally the school has to honour the contract - but I feel so guilty and just don't know whether to go through with the pregnancy which is something I never thoughts woudl write in a million years - I am so conscientious about work, and I do not want my name to be mud either. But Yet I want this baby too - despite the fact we have just been through 3 years of financial hell due to me retraining and the prohibitive cost of child are.
    This is a complete headbanger.
     
  2. I hope noone objects to me putting this post on here but I really need to unload.
    I qualified in 2011 and only completed 1 term of NQT last year on a part time contract but am due to start full time in September at a wonderful school near me. I am 42 and have just discovered I am 4 weeks pregnant and delighted and horrified. My husband and I had unprotected sex once and thought there was no chance ( ridiculous I know!!) due to my age, being overweight and diabetic - all the odds are against me. I Conceived the day before the interview. I want a second child (first has just turned 3) but this timing is the worst ever and I am now in a complete dilemma.
    I know legally the school has to honour the contract - but I feel so guilty and just don't know whether to go through with the pregnancy which is something I never thoughts woudl write in a million years - I am so conscientious about work, and I do not want my name to be mud either. But Yet I want this baby too - despite the fact we have just been through 3 years of financial hell due to me retraining and the prohibitive cost of child are.
    This is a complete headbanger.
     
  3. Oh, it's a hard one that. I'm a bit like you - I like to be honest and upfront about things. A lot of people on this forum will tell you that you don't have to tell them until you are 25 weeks (hard, if you're showing at 12!). They are perfectly right, but if it's a lovely school, I'd be inclined to 'fess up!
    If this is a wanted baby I wouldn't advise not going through with the pregnancy. It may be something you regret - remember a job is just a job, nothing more. Family is always more important.
    I have had three maternity leaves in three years. I felt guilty about that too but I felt that I was respected for being upfront about it (and by that, I mean after the 12 week scan - no point in telling them if you then find out bad news).
    Not sure what everyone else thinks?
     
  4. a job is a job hun, it can't be compared to a life. you say you wanted a second child and the odds were against you and here it is! i got pregnant with my LO after being told i would never conceive and it was at the worst time possible for me. i developed ante-natal and post-natal depression and i'm now thousands and thousands in debt after having to quickly buy a house for us. but it can be done - and i'm happier with the debt than i would be without LO. good luck x
     
  5. toeinwater

    toeinwater New commenter

    Congratulations!
    I hope this doesn't come across smacking of being a long-term trying-to-conceive-er, but here's my two-penneth:
    Although not planned, it sounds like you already realise that future babies could prove tricky, and just because this 'accident' happened and you already have a child doesn't mean it would necessarily come easily when you're ready for it. It sounds like an ideal age-gap to have between your children and at the end of the day, a job is just a job - in my experience, you don't get much thanks for turning up every day etc. etc. but a baby is part of your family, part of your life and your future. If you feel it necessary (though you shouldn't have to apologise) you can explain to your employer that it wasn't planned.
    Any way, I say go for it! Good luck in whatever you decide!
     
  6. Indeed.
    I'm still shocked, though. Really shocked.
     
  7. becky70

    becky70 Occasional commenter

    I'm not sure whether you want advice or just to offload - if the latter, you have every sympathy from me as it is a hard situation.
    If it's advice I can only say: please do not terminate your pregnancy because of your school. They may have the ****, they may not but even if they do they'll get over it. Nothing terrible will happen - they'll appoint someone to cover you while you're on maternity leave, your job will be done by that person and then you'll go back.
    You sound very worried about your finances - I would get all the advice you can about your entitlements - others on here can advise better than I can.
    It is possible, given your age, that you won't conceive again (I write this from the combination of bitter experience and reading plenty of books on fertility), and you are saying that you want this baby - that is really important.
    Good luck.
     
  8. You said yourself that you want the baby. Its as simple as that I think.
     
  9. Hi TwoFishes. I do sympathise with you and appreciate what you are saying, but very much echo what others are saying, that if you want the baby you should prioritise that...sounds like a real blessing. And the only other thing I can add is that I did experience myself the pregnancy -NQT collide! And to be honest, it really wasn't so bad (I don'tknow if the idea of carrying out NQT whilst pregnant is a stress to you? But, my point being it shouldn't be...its totally do-able). I remember feeling so worried that I wouldn't be able to perform etc, but despite serious sickness etc I got through fine and fellow staff (inc. Head) were nothing but supportive. They do (Heads and Employers) expect this sort of thing more than we would assume, and are more than capable of putting things in place to support, they CAN'T give you a hard time over this? My Head was initially shocked and a little put out I'd say, but she understood really andwas actually very supportive once she got her head around it all. As previous posters have said, honesty is good, but do wait till after 12 weeks.Also, the longer you wait to say, you do have time to get your foot in,make your good impressions andshow your commitment to the School so that they bear that in mind when you tell them and then I'm sure they'll be great support. I hope this helps and wish you all the best.
     
  10. Thank-you all so, so much for your help and advice - before I even came back on here - I had decided to keep the baby. The comments about schools coping and the story of NQT and preganacy etc have really helped - so I am furiously plannng my first terms lessons now - to show how outstanding I am - and how happy they will be to have me back after my maternity leave!
    I had no-one to talk to about this and I am so greatful for your positive and non judgemental feedback. I guess I was panicking and unloading and considering all options and as soon as I had written it I knew what I was going to do!
    I am going to try and wait as long as possible to tell the school (anyone any advice on this - definitely after 12 weeks - but should I wait even longer?) as I have previousy had a missed miscarriage (before DS1) and do not take anything for granted. Morning sickness has kicked in big time - hoping it will subside by Sept!
    Katherinelily - you insult me by trivalising my dilemma by asusming I see it as 'inconvenient'. If you read my original post properly you will see it is far more than that and I would never never consider pregnancy as 'inconvenience'. 'Blessed' is the word I used. Don't judge me by your own standards.
    Thank you spiderkin and BigFatBuffalo for your support xxx
     
  11. noemie

    noemie Occasional commenter

    I'd try and hide it until the second scan if you can. Then you can explain that with a previous experience of miscarriage you didn't feel confident to tell anyone, etc... I'd also start thinking about how long you want to have off, so that you can be as informative to the school as possible when you "come out". Finally, be really, really selective about who you tell - if I could do things again I'd only tell my one close colleague so that if anything went wrong at work then she could support me. The minute some senior staff found out (and were sworn to secrecy, pah!), it started spreading and eventually got to the kids.
    I'm so glad you've made that decision. The more I go on in this job, the more I realise it is just a job (a fantastic one, where you get to make a difference in a lot of lives, but just a job nonetheless). [​IMG]
     
  12. FollyFairy

    FollyFairy Occasional commenter

    Totally agree with this! Yes the timing is not great, but you want this baby so see the pregnancy as a blessing. I started a new school pregnant (like you, unprotected sex! And I teach Sex Ed. including contraception to Year 9's!!!). I didn't know I was pregnant to begin with and then was horrified when I found out... I told my HT two weeks into the new term, when I was only 7 weeks. Very early I know and of course, legally I did not have to tell him, but I didn't want him to think I had done it deliberately... and wanted to be honest and upfront about it. He was brilliant!! and very supportive throughout. I asked to respect my privacy and not to tell even other members of SLT until my 12 week scan, which he did. The only downside is that I had not been there long enough to collect maternity pay, therefore, was only entitled to Maternity allowance! I wish you all the best and Congratulations! xxx
     
  13. I'm so glad you've made the right decision for you. School will cope, no one is indispensible. Enjoy your pregnancy and I hope the sickness gets better.
     
  14. Hi Twofishes,
    I am in a very similar situation to you... I found out I am pregnant two weeks ago and am just due to start my NQT year. For me it was a bit different as my husband and I have been trying to conceive for nearly four years, were eventually offered IVF this summer and it worked. We are over the moon but, like you, I am terrified about telling my new school and also how I will cope with how sick I am already feeling in a brand new job. I'm finding it hard enough to do any planning so kudos to you for being able to.

    I'd be really interested to know how it all goes for you and to share advice etc. If you want to drop me a message that would be fab.

    Best wishes and best of luck.
    Vx
     

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