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'a bit gay' ...?

Discussion in 'Personal' started by ginnyt, Jul 28, 2012.

  1. I posted on h & w some time ago as I had worries that OH was gay.
    I eventually managed a very sensitive conversation. He says that he's 'a bit gay'. Is it possible to be a 'bit' gay - or is it a case of you are or you aren't? This is a serious question - I'm going through hell at the moment.
  2. I think it's possible to be 100% gay, 100% straight and anywhere else in between those two. Most people would say they were somewhere on the spectrum of bisexuality rather than "a little bit gay". It sounds like you need to talk about this more so you can clarify what your OH means by this. Try not to worry too much. My partner is bisexual and it really makes no difference.
  3. It depends if he means as in he's attracted to men and women, within a scale (http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html) where he identifies more as being attracted to women, or if this is a means of softening a blow (to you/himself- whoever). But yes, it is possible to be marginally attracted to one gender and more the other (there are theories that very few people fall at 100% either way, or an exact 50% and that it's more fluid than being able to fix an exact number.) It took me YEARS to figure that out- that you don't have to be gay or straight. It may be that he's been struggling with that idea.
    But we can't read his mind- I have no idea what he means by "a bit gay" and the only way you will get any answers is to talk to him about it, if he even knows what he means by it.
    I'm coming at this from my own experience, but I think what matters for your relationship is not to determine his exact degree of sexuality, but how it impacts the two of you: is he still attracted to you, does he still want sex with you, does he still love you, does he still want to be with you, does he want to be with (in any respect) anyone else (regardless of gender). Possibly a better start point than "how gay are you on a scale of 1- 10?"
  4. Well, I don't think you can scale it. Many people will have times where they feel more attracted to men, or women. Many may have phases where they feel more understood by a man, or a woman. Many may discover this only after years of being heterosexual. Many people are bisexual (in fact, the theory is, that most of us are but are conditioned to think otherwise).
    What you need to know, is how this will effect your relationship. Does his being "a bit gay" mean he needs sexual experiences without you, and could you live with that? Or does it mean he feels attracted to men, but just attracted and prefers to have sex with you and only you? Sometimes, an attraction is only that, and not everyone acts upon it. If he loves you deeply, he would not wish to hurt you. But he may have needs which you can not meet - would you be prepared to allow him to fulfill them elsewhere or would you constantly worry that you may thus lose him?
    These are the kind of things you need to discuss with him (and your own needs too).

  5. lilachardy

    lilachardy Star commenter

    Sexuality is just a preference.

    Simplistic, I know, but...
    I prefer tea over coffee.
    Given the choice I will almost always choose tea, because I prefer it. However, that doesn't mean that on occasions I don't smell coffee and fancy a cup. If there is no tea available, I might have coffee, I might choose to go without. If I had to choose one or the other for the rest of my life, I'd choose tea without a thought, but I'd still sometimes smell coffee and fancy some.

    Just don't ask me about hot chocolate.
  6. jacob

    jacob Lead commenter

    You lot sure this is not a troll?
  7. Whether it is a troll or not, I love this reply!

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