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8 weeks on from my ectopic pregnancy surgery

Discussion in 'Pregnancy' started by FoundationStage!, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. Hi All. It is 8 weeks today since my keyhole surgery to remove my baby and part
    of my right Fallopian tube. I am doing very badly and am having to
    accept that I am depressed and need help. I am seeing two counsellors
    and going to see the GP on Wed. I have signed myself off for this week
    following an emotional breakdown on Friday. I then spent the afternoon in the
    staffroom crying with pregnant colleagues coming and going. This ectopic
    pregnancy is the worst experience of my life but I can't help but feel
    bad for not coping. My Head doesn't understand why the sight of babies and pregnant women upsets me. She can't see the link between other bumps and my baby being removed. I had a horrible discussion with her this morning and she told me that worse things in life happen and, that if I can't deal with this, then how will I cope with bigger issues. She started talking about being unable to have children and needing IVF and adoption. I was flabbergasted! I should have just stayed at home and called in sick. It was one of the least reassuring conversations of my working life. Now I am feeling depressed, empty, guilty and jealous of all expectant mothers. It is very sad and debilitating. Has anyone else experienced these emotions after baby loss? Thanks for reading and please don't judge me - I am an emotional wreck and don't mean to offend anyone lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy xxx
     
  2. Hi All. It is 8 weeks today since my keyhole surgery to remove my baby and part
    of my right Fallopian tube. I am doing very badly and am having to
    accept that I am depressed and need help. I am seeing two counsellors
    and going to see the GP on Wed. I have signed myself off for this week
    following an emotional breakdown on Friday. I then spent the afternoon in the
    staffroom crying with pregnant colleagues coming and going. This ectopic
    pregnancy is the worst experience of my life but I can't help but feel
    bad for not coping. My Head doesn't understand why the sight of babies and pregnant women upsets me. She can't see the link between other bumps and my baby being removed. I had a horrible discussion with her this morning and she told me that worse things in life happen and, that if I can't deal with this, then how will I cope with bigger issues. She started talking about being unable to have children and needing IVF and adoption. I was flabbergasted! I should have just stayed at home and called in sick. It was one of the least reassuring conversations of my working life. Now I am feeling depressed, empty, guilty and jealous of all expectant mothers. It is very sad and debilitating. Has anyone else experienced these emotions after baby loss? Thanks for reading and please don't judge me - I am an emotional wreck and don't mean to offend anyone lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy xxx
     
  3. thank you for sharing your story. You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't feel bad about it. The main thing is you recognise that you need some help and you are getting it. Unfortunately there are many unsympathetic people in the world, but there are also many wonderful people out there who will support you. I hope that with time and support you and your partner can learn to live with what's happened to you and find the best way forward for you. Take care SR
     
  4. Thanks, SR - you are absolutely right. It is just so hard to stay positive when people don't appreciate that you are at your lowest. At least if someone said, "I'm sorry you lost your baby and I know you feel like s**t" then I would know I am supported and that things can only get better. Urgh - I'm so miserable today [​IMG]
     
  5. FS I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I remember when you first posted about what had happened and I really felt for you then. Your HT is obviously very insensitive and lacking in people skills. You have suffered a loss and are entitled to grieve in the same way anyone else would. Unfortunately in life we all come across people who have little or no empathy with others. Get whatever help you need to get through this and be honest with the people you care about about your feelings. They are the only ones that matter and screw anyone else! You will get better but it will take time but you must believe that and try and stay positive. I know that's easy to say but it's the best coping mechanism we have. There will come a time when things are better and when you are ready and able you will get whatever you need in life to make you happy- you just have to believe that. In the meantime focus on the important people and not anyone else. That includes yourself. You have every right to feel the way you do but you are not alone.
    Thinking of you xx
     
  6. You lost a baby- of course you are going to feel horrbile- it IS a huge thing.... DO NOT feel bad for feeling this way- it is natural and anyone who has lost a baby will share in those emotions. What you are feeling is 100% natural so it is important to recognise that and be kinder to yourself. Take the time off work, rest, talk to people, cry and do not try to keep a stiff upper lip.

    There are many people on here who have lost babies- I am sure they will be here to support you soon- and all will tell you the road to recovery was not simple.
    No guilt is needed, your head is an idiot and her attitude is ridiculous.... Losing a baby IS hard- not something you can just pick yourself up from. You need to greive x
    Take care and rest xxx
     
  7. I can only echo what other people have said - you are grieving for the loss of your son/daughter. Born or not, you have lost someone dear to you.
    As I have not been through the nightmare you have, I can only sympathise and hope that you heal in your own time.
    Keep talking about your feelings to whoever you can confide in; be it on here or with your OH / family / friends - bottling things up will be more destructive than constructive.
    Take care of yourself
    Lily
    x
     
  8. Hi FS,
    Really sorry you are feeling so low. Counselling sounds like a good idea. I hope this doesn't sound odd but to be honest i think it might be stranger if you were feeling ok. I think it is normal to feel depressed and helpless after such a big event. Not only losing your baby but having to have surgery and the shock of something bad happening that you weren't expecting.8 weeks is not very long to get over that so don't be too hard on yuorself as there is no timescale to get over a loss no matter what your HT might think!
    Don't feel like it is wrong to be sad. Your HT has been very silly and inconsiderate and I expect is feeling like a real idiot by now. Some people are just rubbish at 'saying the right thing'.
    Keep chatting to us if it helps. i know it helped me when i had a miscarriage.Things will get better bit by bit but be patient with yourself it is still early days in your recovery. x
     
  9. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    Foundationstage I'm sending you big hugs (( ))
    You have every right to still be grieving for your baby. People seem to think we should get over these things quickly - it's old news to them so why are we still thinking about it? The only people who can understand are those who have also experienced the loss of a baby. It has been 7 weeks since my mc and I am still not coping. I too have been referred to counselling and hope this might help. Your Head seems so unhelpful and unsympathetic - some people have no idea!
    I have found my OH a great support but even he does not completely understand why I am still so emotional. It is difficult to be positive and I don't want this post to make you feel worse. I just want you to know that you are not the only one going through this type of pain - there are plenty of people here to talk to.
    I am trying to take every day as it comes, hoping that the pain will eventually ease. I hope that it does for you as well. x x
     
  10. FS - have wondered how u were getting on....my mc was at the beginning of Oct and it still hurts. One family member said to me "It wasn't even a baby, just think of it as a bunch of cells." Understanding eh?? People who have never been in this boat have NO idea. It hurts and I was only pregnant for a day. So yes, biologically my baby was just an accumulation of cells but to me and my hubby it was 18 months of waiting, a lifetime of dreams that was snatched away from us in 24 hours. You take whatever time you need. Sending many hugs x x x x
     
  11. Did your head mean that she was unable to have children or referring to other people who can't? If it's her, I'd expect her to be more sympathetic, if other people then I think she has misunderstood. I've gone through IVF and don't have children, may never be able to have them but it doesn't mean I wouldn't feel sympathy for someone who has suffered a miscarriage. They are two different experiences but both are painful, profound and life changing. 8 weeks is too short a time to expect you to just get over it and the sight of pregnant colleagues must be very distressing.
    As a frequent visitor to fertility forums I read posts from many women who have suffered miscarriages - your feelings are very common and absolutely normal. Close friends who have suffered miscarriages have shared similar feelings to the ones you describe.
    What I do hear from others is that time is a healer but you haven't had much time yet. Look after yourself.
     
  12. Thanks for your kind replies, everyone. I am still feeling very sad. I really want to start trying to conceive asap but my husband wants to wait a year. I am stuck in limbo and the uncertainty is very debilitating.
    Mariposa: A colleague at work said about my pregnancy, "don't be sad, it was never going to be a baby anyway". So insensitive and unhelpful!
    Becky70: My Head was talking about me having to deal with not being able to have children and needing IVF or adoption. Just what I wanted to hear this morning. I am so angry with her!!
    Nawoods: Are you back at work? It is so traumatic.
    Big hugs to everyone xxx


     
  13. Urgh your colleagues sound so awful and i'd feel exactly the same as you.

    Maybe your husband is finding it hard to cope with too, so how about leaving it for just as much as you can handle... a couple of weeks? and approach the subject then. You never know he may be willing but right now may not want to think about it.
    Anyway, Big hugs to you FS. Definitely think about talking about it to someone, don't bottle it up x
     
  14. nawoods

    nawoods New commenter

    Hi FS,
    I did go back to work for a couple of days last week, but it all got a bit too much. Then yesterday my af showed and I got really upset - memories flooding back. I am also in quite a bit of pain as it is quite heavy. So I have not gone into work today or yesterday. I am hoping that by tommorow the pain will have eased.
    I really hope that you and your OH heal together, Maybe at the moment OH cannot think about ttc because of the pain and grief you have gone through. I know my OH is happy to ttc but as long as I am in a good enough emotional state. It very difficult to see us going through these things.
    x x
     
  15. Hi FS
    So sorry to hear about your loss :(
    I dont know how much comfort this is but a colleague of mine had an ectopic pregnancy a while back and has recently had a little boy so please have hope.
    Sending you hugs
    DD
    xx
     
  16. Oh FS, how unsupportive of your HT and colleagues. Might be worth getting leaflets from the Miscarriage Association and giving them to the HT - might help them understand what you're going through.
    Not only are you grieving the loss of your baby, but you've also been through quite a procedure. It would be more worrying if you weren't upset.
    Counselling is a good idea - I had it following my first miscarriage and it helped enormously. When I had that miscarriage (which was by far the most physically and emotionally painful thing I've ever been through, and it left me physically weak for a good few weeks after) I discovered my neighbour was pregnant. Every time I passed her house I'd cry. In the end I just thought "this is ridiculous!" and I went and spoke with the neighbour about her pregnancy, and told her what had happened to me - and I found being around pregnant people much easier after that.
    Good luck to you, and be ever so kind to yourself. You will feel better in your own time - however long that takes. xxxx
     
  17. Thanks for your agreement, I also think my Headteacher was a witch yesterday. I really must try to let that go though and focus on myself. I am trying to find the motivation to wash my hair and go out somewhere but it looks so dreary outside today. I need a long walk I think. I hope I feel better and more sane soon. I think all innocence and excitement around pregnancy and ttc is lost
    once you have experienced pregnancy loss. Although I also hope I can
    prove to myself that is not the case in a few months time...
    Nawoods, how are you feeling today? I am thinking of you and understand how you are feeling. I am also very disturbed at the sight of blood these days.
    Have a good day, everyone xxx
     
  18. I've been thinking about you FS since you first shared your news, and nawoods too. I am so sorry for your loss, and it is a huge loss. After my mc in February I was a wreck for a very long time. I even found myself crying many months after when something 'sparked' me off again, seeing my new nephew was so hard for a long time. I dreaded blood for a long time, and unfortunately had alot of bleeding for 2 months after. Eventually I had my af and although I found it very difficult I remember my OH saying that at least everything was working again. I'll never get over losing my LOs but it does become easier. We'll be releasing 2 balloons this February, some may say this is silly, but it's our way of remembering and valuaing what we had, even though it was for a short time.
    And never give up hope. We've finally managed to conceive again but the agony every month to get there was unbearable. Your HT was very unsupportive, look after yourself. You are number one, you and your OH. Maybe you can get away in Feb half term for some sun/relaxation. We eventually did and it did make a difference.
    Best wishes xx
     
  19. FoundationStage it is so good to hear from you. That you are still talking about everything is a very positive things.

    Clearly you are finding you conflict with OH regarding when to TTC again very hard to bear. He, of course, is likely to be very shaken by this too - not only by the loss but by your reaction to it.

    The suggestion that you plan a holiday soon (like during half term) is an excellent one FoundationStage. If you can't afford sunshine then just go somewhere you both love. Try, if you can, to shelf the discussion about when to TTC until then. It does sound like you could do with some relaxing time together and space to talk before you begin again. He's not ready yet - you need to create a little space for him to be. Try discussing this again after you've had such a holiday?

    If this kind of thinking doesn't help you then I'm sure specialist counselling will. Look at all the evidence here from those who've had it as reassurance.

    lol weebecka
     
  20. Hi JJF and weebecka! It's lovely to hear from you both. Thanks for your messages. I think I most definitely need a holiday, the further the better.
    I have just got home from the GP. I have been signed off work for two weeks. She had an ectopic pregnancy six years ago and showed me the photo of her son who she had by IVF. It was so good to talk to a medic who knows how I feel. She said after her ectopic pregnancy she felt "black" for a long time. I feel so sad, empty and desolate all the time. She said I could have antidepressants but I'll wait until this sick note is up and, if I still feel so low, I'll ask for more time off and antidepressants.
    I will surely have to go back after half term at the very latest. My sick record was bad before this, who would want to employ me now?! She offered me 4 weeks off on my sick note but I felt that was too long. She wrote a letter to my Headteacher to ask that my absence is regarded with empathy and patience. She also said my Head sounds like a horrible person who doesn't know what she is talking about, and to try and not think about it.
    The GP talked to my husband too, said she was so sorry about losing the baby and our trauma and asked how he feels. He said he is just concerned about me and that I haven't been myself ever since, and that I have been going downhill over the last few weeks. She said only time can help but that she understood my sadness at no longer being pregnant and my urgency to get pregnant again.
    All I can think is that I should be 14 weeks pregnant and that we would have announced our happy news by now. So I return to the gloom and overwhelming sadness. I really don't know how to feel better. I am going to meet a friend for coffee this afternoon. When you are signed off as unfit for work can you go out and about? I was thinking of going into London to take photos of landmarks and meet friends for coffee. My counsellor told me to do nice things and I think that would help as I love photography. What if I am spotted by a parent from work? The thought of that is enough to keep me locked up all day every day.
    Thanks for your support, it is really helping me to get through this awful time xxx
     

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