Last week, my girlfriend (I'm actually male by the way, my name isn't Sue) of 5 years ended the relationship out of the blue. I should've seen this coming. Lately there has been no romance in the relationship at all, we barely touched each other for months and she would actually move away when I went to kiss her. We went on holiday and all seemed fine, but she ended it four days after going home. At first, she said we will stay in touch and stay friends. That was a lie. She removed me from all of her social medias, and then blocked me after I went to collect my belongings. Couldn't even look at me, and made barely any conversation. I don't understand. How can anybody I invested so much love and time into go from loving me to pure hatred? I feel the need to look for answers, but she has already lied about staying in touch, so I can no longer distinguish between what she has told me which is true, and what isn't. I cannot even tell if she loved me at all. Now, I know what she's really like. HOWEVER. Since moving back in with my elderly mum, I no longer feel suicidal, or have any desire to hurt myself. This I did have when living at my partners, and I can't put my finger on why. For example, I used to actually Google ways to harm myself which I deeply, deeply regret. The day after the relationship broke down, I really wanted to go through with it, but I didn't. I have made a choice: "No harming myself, no ending my life". In addition to this, I uploaded some pictures to my Facebook after a road trip with some friends. Somebody commented that it is "nice to see my smiling again". Then it hit me, I hadn't smiled in a long time, and the pictures prior to the breakup showed this. Ex was not smiling in pictures of us together, either and that had been the case for the last two years or so. I also had an appointment with NHS Let's Talk. Although my symptoms for the depression questionnaire had gotten more severe, the therapist who I spoke to over the phone to said I actually sound more full of life. This is probably because it was a toxic relationship in which I was controlled and made to feel like I was walking on eggshells. She would also regularly say horrible things about my friends behind their backs and truthfully wasn't the same girl I met five years ago. As sad, confused and hurt as I feel, I think there is a genuine possibility of me one day going into a career in mental health, helping people who have had similar problems with theirs. Before, I didn't think this could happen, not even with a million years of training. Now I will be trying my best to finish my Masters so that this is possible.