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5 year relationship over, but mental health has improved

Discussion in 'Personal' started by suertesamp, Sep 6, 2020.

  1. suertesamp

    suertesamp New commenter

    Last week, my girlfriend (I'm actually male by the way, my name isn't Sue) of 5 years ended the relationship out of the blue. I should've seen this coming. Lately there has been no romance in the relationship at all, we barely touched each other for months and she would actually move away when I went to kiss her. We went on holiday and all seemed fine, but she ended it four days after going home.
    At first, she said we will stay in touch and stay friends. That was a lie. She removed me from all of her social medias, and then blocked me after I went to collect my belongings. Couldn't even look at me, and made barely any conversation.

    I don't understand. How can anybody I invested so much love and time into go from loving me to pure hatred? I feel the need to look for answers, but she has already lied about staying in touch, so I can no longer distinguish between what she has told me which is true, and what isn't. I cannot even tell if she loved me at all. Now, I know what she's really like.

    HOWEVER. Since moving back in with my elderly mum, I no longer feel suicidal, or have any desire to hurt myself. This I did have when living at my partners, and I can't put my finger on why. For example, I used to actually Google ways to harm myself which I deeply, deeply regret. The day after the relationship broke down, I really wanted to go through with it, but I didn't. I have made a choice: "No harming myself, no ending my life".

    In addition to this, I uploaded some pictures to my Facebook after a road trip with some friends. Somebody commented that it is "nice to see my smiling again". Then it hit me, I hadn't smiled in a long time, and the pictures prior to the breakup showed this. Ex was not smiling in pictures of us together, either and that had been the case for the last two years or so.

    I also had an appointment with NHS Let's Talk. Although my symptoms for the depression questionnaire had gotten more severe, the therapist who I spoke to over the phone to said I actually sound more full of life. This is probably because it was a toxic relationship in which I was controlled and made to feel like I was walking on eggshells. She would also regularly say horrible things about my friends behind their backs and truthfully wasn't the same girl I met five years ago.

    As sad, confused and hurt as I feel, I think there is a genuine possibility of me one day going into a career in mental health, helping people who have had similar problems with theirs. Before, I didn't think this could happen, not even with a million years of training. Now I will be trying my best to finish my Masters so that this is possible.
    Lalad, ms honey, alex_teccy and 12 others like this.
  2. jubilee

    jubilee Star commenter

    Sounds like things are actually on the up for you despite having your life turned upside down.
    Is your username partly in Spanish? Are you Sam, not Sue, and Lucky Sam P at that?
  3. Jamvic

    Jamvic Star commenter

    Congratulations, it sounds as though you have some very exciting and interesting future plans.
  4. suertesamp

    suertesamp New commenter

    Yes my nickname is in Spanish. Samp is my old nickname so I just went with it when I made my Google account. I dont want to give my first name out in case I am identified. Could get me in very hot water with an employer if they saw some of my posts.
    Impressed you've noticed that.
    Lalad, phlogiston and Jamvic like this.
  5. EmanuelShadrack

    EmanuelShadrack Star commenter

    There might not be a great deal to understand. Some people behave in ways we would never dream of behaving. It's just one of those things - the best we can do is become aware of it, and protect ourselves.

    But as you say, now you know what she's really like, and better late than never. I wouldn't beat yourself up for not realizing earlier - some people are highly skilled at hiding their true nature, often for many years. Rare indeed is the person who can't be fooled, as any stage magician knows.

    I'll send you a PM.
    alex_teccy and needabreak like this.
  6. catbefriender

    catbefriender Lead commenter

    Sounds like a blessing that she left you!:)

    I hope you continue to feel good about yourself and find someone who enables you to feel that way and even better.

    Good luck with the Masters and gaining a career in Mental Health.
    ms honey and alex_teccy like this.
  7. foxtail3

    foxtail3 Star commenter

    She ended the relationship and you are moving on. People can behave in a manner that seems to be out of character at those times. Maybe she feels bad that she ended things, although she didn’t want to continue the relationship and blocking you and appearing unkind, is her way of dealing with it.

    You have made some decisions about your future and it will be good for you o move on from this and not have contact. Before social media, when relationships ended, that was it. Think of it like that.

    Good luck.
    7eleven likes this.
  8. oldsomeman

    oldsomeman Star commenter

    When love walks in it takes you by the hand,.When love walks out if dumps you and goes
    There are many, many reasons love can die and although the signs of your relationship wanning have been noticed by you the 'bits' come together suddenly.
    I am always sorry when folks relationships break up,and for the hurt and sorrow that often follows in the wake of breakups (been there and worn the T-shirt).
    This loss at first hurts then gradually we awake and start to realise or wonder why we never saw the end coming.
    For yourself rejoice that you have survived. Ahead of you is opportunity and hope and maybe time to kindle a new , more rewarding, relationship
    Good luck with your future,
  9. nizebaby

    nizebaby Star commenter

    Calling your ex a liar won't help in the long run. How hard was it for her to tell the truth, and would it have helped if she had done?
    alex_teccy likes this.
  10. phlogiston

    phlogiston Star commenter

    It can seem like the end of the world when a reltionship goes bang, but your post sounds as if you're working through it and realising that the relationship was no longer sustainable.
    Perhaps, rather than being a liar she was trying to soften the blow of separation. Perhaps once the dust settles, friendship can resume.
    I once spent way too long brooding and not trusting my emotions to ladies - although having said that there were none who were completely right. Be open to the possibilities of friendship and love.
  11. sunshineneeded

    sunshineneeded Star commenter

    Relationship endings are never without tears, even when it's a relationship you're better off out of - but it sounds as though you are working through this difficult time and coming out stronger. Well done and very best of luck with your plans for the future.
    Lalad, agathamorse and needabreak like this.
  12. lunarita

    lunarita Lead commenter

    Very positive post @suertesamp, hopefully the start of much better times to come.

    Just remember not to let the first (almost inevitable) wobble make you think you can't do this - there are always bumps on the road.
    agathamorse and needabreak like this.
  13. suertesamp

    suertesamp New commenter

    I counted three lies this week already which have been uncovered. I cannot believe anything she says.
    EmanuelShadrack likes this.
  14. jellycowfish

    jellycowfish Occasional commenter

    Then it's probably a good thing that you don't have any contact now. Well done for looking forward, and good luck with the training!
    mothorchid and needabreak like this.
  15. EmanuelShadrack

    EmanuelShadrack Star commenter

    Perfectly normal and healthy in my book. I'm exactly the same. Once someone has lied to me just once, I will never trust them as I did before.

    Some people are pathological liars. It happens. It's extremely difficult to determine this in advance.

    As the old saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".
  16. lunarita

    lunarita Lead commenter

    Let it go, and if you're not ready to let it go, at least put it -her and everything about her - on the back burner for the moment while you focus on getting yourself back on track. Don't let her, or her lies, get in the way of a full recovery.
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2020
    7eleven and nizebaby like this.
  17. Dunteachin

    Dunteachin Star commenter

    Good grief, suertesamp! I've just been reading your other thread. What a nightmare! And you've been unemployed most of your adult life, too.

    What you're going through is, well...unbelievable. Truly.
    colacao17 likes this.
  18. Mr_Ed

    Mr_Ed Lead commenter

    Snowflake alert!

    These things happen, get a grip.
  19. EmanuelShadrack

    EmanuelShadrack Star commenter

    A tad unsympathetic.

    If you've never experienced just how dishonest and conniving some people can be, it can come as a shock when one first encounters it.
  20. suertesamp

    suertesamp New commenter

    Snowflake? That's your opinion. You get a grip keyboard warrior.

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